bubble's story

Greetings everyone and a megga thankyou to ALL the posts I have read over & over from you amazing people, I thought I was the only one in the world! I am new here, having read near everything available online ( yes, including S.V )& books to boot... I too hurt, am angry, feel a complete & utter fool of what I was to my N all along and struggle to move on and this is the 1st time I have given an account of the happenings that occured.

My story?... I met J the (N) 10 years ago at a music rehearsal when in my early 30's ( he 39 ), I recently divorced at the time from a verbally abusive alcoholic husband of 10 years (who I'm happy to say is now sober, healthy and remarried.) Moving on with my life and my 3 beautiful daughters aged 7,5 & 3 at the time of meeting my N I now realise it has to be the worst day of my life!!
How do I cut a long story short though?

He was separating ( so he said )from his wife of 19 years at the time and we would meet every week for 3 years rehearsing with many musicians, he giving me a lift to the venues a good hour away so plenty of time to 'connect'in what I thought to be an amazing friendship, I knew I could tell him everything and anything about my life as time passed.

Over the years I became magnetised by his musical professionalism, his impeccable health, being vegetarian, no alcohol,tobacco,drugs - always calm, whitty and almost spiritual, authorative but never pushy.

He had a recording studio at his house where many of us would attend and put down our music and his wife would rarely be around which I found 'strange' but he would tell me 'snippets' but never verbally put her down.

His words - when they met she was a virgin and they married within 3 months at a registry office, he didn't want any friends or family to know or attend his marriage ( only HIS mother ) and this caused friction with her immediate family.
He told me with what seemed 'great pride' that it took another 3 months to consumate the marriage, he didn't want to 'push' her and wanted to bond..

Moving on - it turns out that his wife has full blown depression, Fibromyalgia, stomach disorders and thoughts of suicide and early menopause. I met M ( wife ) a few times and thought she was a really nice person and not too late for me as I had feelings for this guy to recoil but Mr Wonderful telling me they will divorce when the house is sold.
Just as our music was being recognised ( 13 musicians and a CD in the shops )he left, saying the music wasn't going anywhere we were gobsmacked.. Ohhh.. and would I never see him again?

Then his phonecalls started, he always calling about 9.30pm once or twice a week..( I now know his wife retired early ) "how are you.. what you up to.. want to meet up?" etc..
I was smitten, hell yeah.. we would talk for hours and agree on everything.

His wife had moved out( I didn't know temporarily ) to live with her mother as she was too ill to work and he replaced her in the workplace, working in a homeopathic company in the next village to me, 4 miles away.

We would meet up for lunch once or twice a week ( his a packed lunch ) I too excited to eat and we'd sit in my car and natter away.. Of course sexual chit-chat reared its head at times and when he said his wife had never 'gone down there' I thought it sad.. what better way to compliment a man eh..? (provided you like doing it that is..

Something was happening.. our meetings were more intense, I didn't feel I wanted to talk about my children and I remember back now that he didn't ask any longer. It was he and I in our 'lunchtime bubble' him saying they hadn't had sex in years because of her pains and occasionally in the past years she would 't*ss him off'. When he mentioned the 'oral act' I performed it, sad for me thinking it the best thing since sliced bead and he sooo grateful with tears in his eyes.
All this luchtime stuff went on for about 2 years,his wife too and fro from their house and her mothers, their house being on and off the market either falling through at the last minute or just not plain selling. Then it did sell.. what would this mean? He would get his divorce and MAYBE ( not that he ever did say the words ) consider me as a partner.. of some kind? I would accept anything he gave out at this point - like the shortest email saying hope you are well and see you soon..? Errrr... and nothing came again for weeks on end. I realise I must have bombarded him with emails asking his whereabouts etc..wrong thing to do I now know.

Turned out they had sold the house and bought a smaller property opposite her mothers (6 miles from me )to rent out and a new motorhome - I had an email he ( sent to everyone on his email addy ) from Spain after no contact from him in 4 months,how wonderful!!! Describing the amazing places they visited right from the off at the ferry crossing, the Chateaux's in France all the blurb travelling to Spain and their destination.. Portugal. OK!

For me it was bitter sweet at its worst. I was still on his contact list, hoorah! and he was ok, hoorah! So I could contact him surely as he had sent to me.. no?

I had never used instant messenger before ( Im in early 2008 now folks ) so emailed and suggested it so we could catch up, I hid my words well, feeling rejected and duped but wanted to hear from him wtf happened and why he disappeared. (He rarely came to my home and certainly we never did anything but chat on the few occasions that he did over the years, odd.)

It is at this point and I will call it 'the point of no return'.. he started to email his fantasies about me while abroad,( I mean huge fk off mutant fantasies of absolute passion) I had done the oral thing but it never went further, we never kissed even, but now his emails and Instant messages were coming fast and furious always late at night and if I heard nothing it was because there was no wi-fi wherever they were. He said he still had not had sex with his wife and "not to worry", they are like brother and sister, her condition is better in warm weather but he wanted to come home - to be with me - I love you 'Bubbles'. Wow!! I got what I wanted to hear.. this guy I thought unpenetratable actually 'wrote' I love you!

So..They were on their way back and he asked me to find somewhere we could be together for a few days alone, to sing dance, laugh, cry, make love - and I did cost me £300 for 2 days and nights a beautiful converted barn near the coast( looking back,did I get half from him? Did I feel bad I could have spent the money on my girls? At that time NO!! )
He was back about 2 weeks before we met up at our planned haven and his emails were odd I thought ( he living in the motorhome on his parents driveway, wife back with mother. The new house still had tenants, but I put it down to the excitement and nervousness of he and I meeting up after such a long time and the build up of emotions shared over the months, d'oh.

It was fantastic, he was ( I thought ) the most considerate beautiful man I could ever have imagined, I felt truly whole - a real woman. I tried to extract info on what he was to do and he would go from "my parents will love you" to "I really don't want to hurt M" ( wife )and he said he was being unfair to both of us.. then said he loved us both! Where is this divorce? I didn't have the courage now to ask.. seems I realised at that point to him I was the OW and was all along :o(

We left our retreat, I crying and he looking what I can only describe as grave and calculating but I never thought him to be a liar. His phone was NEVER on, only when HE texted or called me but that night it was when I rang I told him if he did not tell his apparentley soon to be ex wife .. I would as I felt she had the right to know.

That night I flipped! 9yrs of knowing this guy so I thought, and I didn't know him at all! ( he told me of previous daliances with a couple of other women during his marriage and I didn't see the red flags until now )

Armed with every email he had sent over the years I did the silliest thing in the name of rescuing his supposed 'soon to be divorced wife'.. I knocked on her mothers door, was M ( wife )there? Oh.. they have gone travelling for the weekend.. I explained myself gave her the emails apologised profusely tears streaming and left. She knew about me as my N had told his wife that night that he had fallen in love with me, but the horror when I told her we had been orally intimate for over 3 yrs and had gone further only recently. She said M's ( wifes )health had deteriorated because of J's odd behaviour over the years with his controlling and abandoning her when her illness was at its worst. What had I done? Why did he do this to me.. to her?

3 weeks later ( 8th July 2008 ) I recieved an email saying that our relationship was too confusing for him, he had told M he was in love with me but it would be better that we did not contact each other and would I please forgive him for not being the man he thought he was. Right on!

The pain, the hiding in shadows when I went out even for shopping should I bump into him or her for nearly a year..but still checking my phone,looking at my emails... nothing!

Nearly a year on ( June 2009 ) in my local paper, staring back at me was their 'new' place up for sale.. and it hurt so bad. What was going on now? But I had moved on, got my head together and grateful my children didn't know about the 'friendship' we had shared ( weird to think I never told anyone about us, he never actually told me not to tell but it somehow felt that way.) So I assumed they had sorted themselves out, I had heard nothing nor did I contact him.
WHAM!!! 1 year to the day of his last email..

Hello Bubbles how are you?

The email wasn't signed and the address was a joke - noughtbutrice.. I didn't get it ( although he's a veggie I thought it too close to Naughtybutnice and that wasn't his style ( so I thought ) Mind games anyone???
I replied with 'who is this' and received the oddest freaky reply >
1.If I was someone you didn't know and I didn't know you, how would you feel?
2.If I was someone you knew but only a little, how would you feel?
3. If I was someone you knew WELL how would you feel? Signed >> thankyou for your patients this far X

Well.. This threw me of course, in a way I felt it MAYBE him,the 1st email 1 year to the day of last correspondence, but I thought maybe also a friend having a joke?
So I replied to email>
1. How could I feel anything!
2.Why hide behind the screen, if you want to know me better?
3.If you are someone I know, wtf you playing at eh by asking me how I am?

3 Long weeks of waiting and a reply came >
If you REALLY knew me you would know who I am. Thank you for your time. You have given me some hope in the human race but sadly not enough! After this email is sent this email address will be shut down. Signed X

Alrighty tighty.. Now I knew! But why? and only 1 thing to do about it.. contact the mother-in-law and let her pass on the info to his ( I assumed they were together still ) wife.
A whole year of agony, thinking it was me going nuts.. nearly healed to end up back at square 1! I told her to pass the message on that he was trying to contact me again and she said he had been acting odd of late.. ( odd? ) poor woman!

Soooo... all done, that should keep him away, yeah?

September another email, could we meet up and talk.. so much he wanted to say. ( I was angry and soooo happy, I know thats sick and I have acted as bad as he in some ways but thats how he made me react! )

We met up.. 1st time a hug and walked miles, he so intrested in my girls health and education etc.. we talked pretty much about everything apart from what we wanted to say I guess.
He was cool and I was a bag of nerves.

2nd time we met.. HIS arrangement by email (I have not asked for his new phone number) we talked and walked but nothing amounted to much only he said they were seperated once more as he lied and said he hadn't tried to contact me with those freaky questions. Guilt got the better of him and he confessed and his wife threw him out. Oh dear! Back to his parents driveway in the motorhome ( his home he called it ) and rare visits to the house as mother-in-law can't stand the sight of him and its not fair on the ... wife? ( Groundhog day... )

Our 3rd and final meet up friday 13th Nov 2009 he said he would like to take me to see Peterborough Cathedral, we both enjoyed architecture and history and I picked him up.. ( as I had the last 2 meet ups and without realising or giving thought - NOT at his parents house, a supermarket carpark or just by the river! Why am I so fkn stupid????????

Armed with my camera we headed out and it was awkward.. he was hard work. I am a Dental Hygienist and he started to question my qualifications and put his own ( some health and hygiene ) down. He wanted to be a chef, took 2 yrs at college to not even like cooking!

He started to ask why I had not found another man.. I said I didn't want another man.. then he said he'd been out visiting an OLD ladyfriend with NO children (neither does he & wife) and she had a campervan too, was well travelled and knew the ropes! Oh.. I said thats nice ( hurting so much inside I was but unsure if there was any truth in what he said.

We arrived in Peterborough and spent a whole day at the Cathedral.. totally magnificent and stayed late to hear the choir rehearse. I was in some kind of fog not knowing myself or him but knew there was a connection somewhere and danged if I could make it. We left in pouring rain and headed back in the dark on our 200 mile round trip and both realised how hungry we were. Had a meal in an vegetarian restaurant ( I paid LOL ) then as we got closer to home he asked if we could spend the night together as he had had such a wonderful day. Guess what.. I was so happy at that moment.. he had come back to me!! All that crazy stuff from the year before was him unsure of himself, scared of divorce and losing money I'm sure LOL but... what about me??

We found a hotel ( I paid again £150 for the night.. no offer from him )and I had the most awful experience of my life.
While he took a shower.. I sat on the bed thinking about his wife.. were they really seperated? was it all bollocks? coming out of my thoughts I could hear him humming and it took me a time to work out the song... get this >> The Rolling Stones.. This could be the last time!

( putting words to his humming )
Well I told you once and I told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
You don't try very hard to please me
With what you know it should be easy

Well this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don't know. Oh no. Oh no

Well, I'm sorry girl but I can't stay
Feelin' like I do today
It's too much pain and too much sorrow
Guess I'll feel the same tomorrow

Well this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don't know. Oh no. Oh no

Well I told you once and I told you twice
That someone will have to pay the price
But here's a chance to change your mind
'Cuz I'll be gone a long, long time

Well this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don't know. Oh no. Oh no
Well, this could be the last time

I asked why he was humming that tune and he replied 'it'd been in his head all day'.. ouch!!

I had my shower and he was asleep so I slept ( like a drug induced sleep, disorientated on the sofa) to be woken about 4am with him telling me he was going travelling for 6 months possibly to Morrocco this time and yes, again with his wife but he was certain that at the end of the trip it would be the end for them. I asked when he was going and he said ferry tickets booked for the 26th November.. my birthday (25th)in less than 2 weeks! I roared.. I mean absolutely ROARED of laughter and he looked at me like I was a mad woman.. hell dang right I looked like one, I even felt like one!
I just said thats cool.. I had seriously had enough, he didn't want to have sex which now I am happy about and we left the hotel early without breakfast.

On the way back I had a calm about me that frightened me and he came up with an excuse that while away he would not email me as it was so hard for him on his last travels... and he hoped I'd understand? LOUD AND CLEAR matey-mate, you betcha!
A few days later an email saying these are my fave pics and they were pics of the Cathedral.. I didnt respond... Then another email headed.. Is it your Birthday today? Happy birthday Bubbles.. XXX

I guess they went! LOLOLOLOLOL

Thankyou for allowing me to put up my story and I know that I will get some shellacking for unbeknown to me being the OW.

Please pray for me that he will never contact me again

Bubbles x