Bruisednotbroken's story

Well, I hope there is no limit on the length because this is long and I tend to be very detailed. I could probably write my own book on my story. My story goes back almost 11 years ago, when I was a sophmore in high school. I met him through hanging out with a group of friends during school. He began showing interest in me, walking me to class and just being very sweet to me. Being only 15 years old at the time, I began to fall for him and we eventually began dating as of Halloween 2001. He then broke up with me out of the blue and for really no good reason in April 2002. He didn't even tell me to my face, just ignored me over spring break, then came back to school and told my friends that him and I were through. I remember them telling me he said that and I instantly just broke down in tears that morning before school started. I barely made it through the day. He was just walking around as if I didn't exist and treating many other girls the same way he treated me. That is what hurt the most. I eventually began to accept it as "my first heartbreak" and started getting over it by the summer.

Certainly by the time school started back up that following September, I was over him completely. I guess he could see this so it is no surprise he began to tell all my friends that he "missed me" and was "thinking" about me constantly. It took about a month for him to convince me to take him back. Fell head over heels back in teenage love with him until I suspected him cheating about 5 months later. I will spare the details of all that since it was dragged out over a course of about 3 months, but I will just say the bottom line was when he called the other girl from my phone to tell her he was coming over to see her. I began crying afterwards and he asked what was wrong but I was in so much shock, I couldn't even speak. He just got up and walked out of my house and that was the last I had spoken to him. Again, he showed up at school and told my friends him and I were through. They told me that he said either I change my ways and start trusting him or it is over. He avoided me all together, when I tried to call him or if I was walking in his direction, he'd turn around and walk the other way. I got the same treatment as I did after the last break-up. I wrote him a letter saying I was sorry and I never heard anything from him. The torture of having to see him daily finally stopped when he stopped showing up at school. Apparently his dad kicked him out of his house and he joined job corps. It still took me months to recover from this though.

Fast forward four and a half years later, I hadn't had any contact with him, and was living the life of a typical 21 year old. Working hard and partying harder. I had a great social life and was much more outgoing and happier than I ever was in high school. One day in April 2008, I receive a Myspace message from him with the subject "I'm sorry." My jaw dropped and I opened it and it read "just want to say that I'm sorry for what happened and if you want to talk, message me back." I am hanging my head in shame now as I type this because I did write him back. By this time, I had let go of the ill feelings towards him and I really did believe he was genuinely sorry for how he treated me. I thought that maybe the guilt had got to him all those years.

We met up about a week later. One of the first thing he did was look me up and down and say "you look amazing!" I was flattered. He had shared that he had just gotten out of a
three and a half year relationship. He told me it had been a very tumultuous relationship towards the end and she used to actually beat him up. He claimed he couldn't take it anymore, and kicked her out a few months earlier. He told me she was crazy, was extremely jealous, was unappreciative of all the nice things he did for her, she never wanted to do anything fun, she had no friends, and that he would, in his words, "rather beat off than have sex with her" because she let herself go over the years. I guess you can say he did a good job at painting her out to be a monster.

When we began discussing people from high school and who
got married and who has kids now, he told me he was "supposed to have a kid," then claimed "but the b*tch had an abortion behind my back!" Apparently this was with the one before the last one. He claimed it really took a toll on him and he was really upset that she did that. I'm still not sure how much of this I believe now. After the 7 hour meet-up, he sends me a message saying. "You know what is crazy? I think we could've had a really good friendship these past few years. I just hope it can stay this way."

I was actually in a relationship when he made contact this time. I had recently began dating a gentleman for nearly 3 months, but we weren't very serious. I ended up breaking up with this guy and to this very day, I still feel bad about that. It was just because I had NEVER felt more in love with any other person than I did with him, even another serious relationship I had a few years earlier. I honestly thought he was my true love. Sure, he treated me bad in high school, but I was willing to forgive. Plenty of us do stupid things when we are young and I just figured that was his immaturity and that he had grown out of it by that time. Now I understand that the "love" I shared with him seemed too good to be true because it was!

Needless to say, I ended up falling head over heels for him again. It felt so different this time since we were both adults. It really seemed as though he had matured a lot and that maybe it would work out this time. He insisted on me moving in only about a month or two after we began dating. I honestly didn't think twice about it since I spent most of my down time over there anyways.

Fast forward 10 months into the relationship and I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified, but he made it clear that he was over the moon excited. He was so happy to become a daddy and start a family. Took a few weeks, but I got just as excited. He seemed like he would be a wonderful father. He was great with kids. He could spend hours at family gatherings playing with his step-sister's three kids. He actually said to me, before we found out the gender, he wanted a girl so that she can be "daddy's girl." He said "boys are momma's boys." That puzzled me a little because typically, most men want a son to pass on the family name, and enjoy being able to share manly activities like hunting, working on cars, playing sports, etc. He did all these things with his dad, not to mention he seemed much more attached to his dad than his mother anyway. Either way, even though it seemed strange, I found it very cute at the time. NOW that I look back, I think that was definitely the narcissist talking. He wanted a girl so that she would be HIS girl, and she would be closer to him and he could control her.

About halfway through my pregnancy, a few cracks started forming in the relationship. I woke up in middle of the night to him laying in bed with his back to me texting someone. Big fight followed into the next day and he denied, denied, denied everything. He actually pointed at me during the argument and said "you did not see me propped up texting anybody! That is a lie! You're making that up!" He claimed he was simply plugging the charger into his phone. I eventually let it slide after realizing he would never fess up. About two months later, I was just getting ready to leave for work and he was home. I look out the kitchen window to find a car parked behind mine. I take a closer look and it is a young woman looking down as if she were texting somebody. When she looked up at the house, she looked right at me looking at her through the kitchen window, and quickly sped off. I walked into the room he was in and there he was with his phone in his hand, looking out the window in the direction she was driving. I asked "do you know who that was?" in a very casual tone. He jumped up yelling "what?!" very defensively as if I were already accusing him of something. He explained that he had no idea who she was and that he was texting his sister. What a coincidence he happened to be looking out the window while doing this, huh? He did a good job at making me believe I was losing my mind. I was actually starting to blame the pregnancy hormones. He told me he never wanted to lose me again, and if we ever broke up, it would have to be me who leaves him.

He had a series of unfortunate events throughout the course of our relationship. He claimed his mother was letting him drive the truck he was driving. It was still in her name, but he was giving her the money to pay the monthly note. One day he crashed the pick-up into a tree in a yard while he was speeding through the neighborhood he worked in at the time. He ended up getting a list of tickets including reckless driving and false inspection stickers. He blamed his mom for the fake sticker. I asked when the court date was and he yells "Doesn't matter because I'm not going! Its her fault, not mine!" I told him he still had to go to court since the ticket was on his name and he said they would never believe him anyways.I let it go because he seemed to be pretty upset about it whenever I brought it up. A few months later, he gets pulled over for speeding. Come to find out his license was suspended since he never showed up for court for the fake inspection sticker ticket. Great, now there is a charge that can actually put him in jail. I was pregnant by this time, and I was panicking. Thinking to myself "What if he is in jail while I give birth to his child?" Luckily for him, he was able to get by with just paying the fines and going to dmv to get his license reinstated afterward. Till this day, they still aren't paid. Anyway, a few weeks following that, he learned that his truck was about to be repossessed. He claimed he was giving his mom the money for the monthly payment in cash, but she must have not been putting the money towards the bill. He began saying awful things about her. Called her every name in the book, blaming her infidelity and her spending problems for her marriage problems with his father. He told me that she cashed a savings bond his grandparents had set up for him and his sister and her excuse was "well your dad was only giving me $100 a week!" Apparently he had never forgiven her for that. I remember telling him that I didn't like him talking about her like that in front of me and I was worried about our child picking up on the notion that "its okay to hate your mother." That never stopped him, he claimed his feelings were justified and he would "tell it to her face" he hated her.

A few weeks after he lost his truck, he lost his job. Well he claimed that he got laid off because the construction company he had been working for took a hard hit from the recession and couldn't find projects. He was denied unemployment money because his ex-boss told the commission he walked off the job and quit, not because he was laid off. He then told me the reason he walked off was because he couldn't stand the boss talking down to him and accusing him of sleeping with his wife! Go figure! He claimed this guy was just jealous of him.

I vividly remember how cold he used to be sometimes. I worked a very physically demanding job six days a week all the way until I was 35 weeks pregnant. He was working three days a week at the time, but 10-12 hour shifts. I remember telling him one night "one of my co-workers, who went through three pregnancies herself, doesn't understand how I'm able to do so much." He said "well, you gotta do what you gotta do, right?" Another time, when I was nearly 7 months pregnant I came home from work and sat on the couch almost in tears telling him how bad my back was hurting me and he just looked back at me with a dead stare and casually says "my back hurts every day." As if he wanted to say "what makes your situation any different than mine?" Absolutely NO sympathy or empathy what so ever! I was in total shock and speechless over how insensitive he was. He once told me that if I had met back up with him a year earlier that I would've got my heart broken. Excuse me?? He is the one who contacted me again! I was on with my life, over him and happy without him! Guess this was him giving himself an ego boost and making me feel like I had gotten lucky and hit the jackpot when he came back into my life. I just made a confusing face, laughed and shook my head in an "okayyy..." manner. He even made a "joking" comment to my mom and sister how he was going to teach our son to hate them, along with his own mother and step-mother. Joking or not, who says stuff like this?!

When the topic of what to name the baby came up, he said
if it was a boy, he wanted it to have his full name. The loser himself is has his grandfather's first name as his first and his father's first name as his middle. Since he was the only one left to carry on those names in his family, I agreed. After the baby was born, my mom called the baby by his first name, and ex lashed out "that's not his name! That's MY name!" Then why did you want the baby to have your name?? He wanted to just call the baby "Jr" for the rest of his life. I told him this wasn't fair to our son. He needed to learn his real name for the rest of his life, especially before he started school.

Luckily for me, after dealing with all the stress I was subjected to during my pregnancy, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy in November 2009. The day after I had him, we had no visitors at the hospital because there was a Nor'easter pounding our area with high winds and flooding. I remember him only speaking 2-5 sentences that whole day. Only time he talked to me was to tell me that his "friend's" house was being flooded because of the storm and she had to evacuate. I know she was the OW, which is the same one I also suspected of him cheating on me with in high school. As you can imagine, with hormones going crazy, I spent most of the day crying while he was laying back in the chair sleeping with the baby on his chest, only waking up to feed and change the baby, and text on his cell phone. I had to actually get out of bed(still in a lot of pain) to ask him if I could hold the baby. He had to be watching me like a hawk when I was handling the baby. Now, I look back and see this was him controlling and making sure that HE was the first one my son bonded with, not me. When we left the hospital, our apartment lost power because of the storm, so we stayed at my mother's since she still had hers. We were there for about 2 days. One of those days while I was at the store with my mother, my sister came home from work and picked my son out of his bassinet and tried to leave the room with him, my ex flew into a rage. Asking "where are you taking him?! I just got him to sleep!" In total shock, she just handed him back to the loser. My father actually witnessed this also. My sister later told me what happened. I was furious and confronted him. He said "I just don't want her thinking she can just come take him whenever she wants!" Ugh, again, this was him maintain the control over HIS possession (his child.)

Not soon after my son was 2 months old, he kept asking if I was planning on returning to work. He was working in a warehouse at the time and work was never consistent. He worked different days every week, sometimes only as few as 3 days or as many as 5. I decided to go to work part-time on the weekends and my mom offered to watch the baby, free of charge, since the loser usually worked during the weekends also. After I told him, he told me a few days later he told his boss he couldn't work weekends anymore. Really? I go back to work so we can make MORE money, now it'll be less seeing as how I made less per hour than he did.

The loving, nurturing "new daddy" phase didn't take long to fade away once we got into the full swing of things. I was at home all day with the baby while he was at work. He would come in, take a shower, get dressed, plop down on the couch and stare at the tv or text on his phone as usual. Barely spoke to me most of the time unless I initiated conversation. I remember asking him if everything was okay, and he would just reply with a "its just been a long day" in a really low, almost dreadful sounding tone. I could just sense that he really didn't want to be home. He never even made effort to show the baby any attention unless I asked him to hold him, change him, or feed him. He treated it like a chore, not bonding time. His friend even once said to him "you do diaper changes as quick as pit stops!" He very rarely showed any real emotion. If he did, it only lasted for a minute or two. He would say "he is more 'in tune' with you than me." He'd hand him back to me or put him in his swing or bouncer to go outside to smoke, then came back and stared at the tv and kept texting off and on all night.

I discovered through the history on my computer that he had been visiting porn sites. The reason why it upset me was because of the amount of effort and time he put into it, versus making effort to make our relationship better. He would wake up an hour before he had to leave for work to look at porn, while I was still in bed. When I confronted him about it, he went into a rage saying "well last time I tried to wake you up, you yelled me!" I honestly can't recall a time I did, but maybe I did because *HELLO!* I was the only one caring for a newborn 24/7! I was exhausted! He treated me more like a roommate than his partner. He then said our sex life was boring and I wasn't spontaneous enough.

One evening as I was on my way home from work and he was at home with the baby, I called to see how everything was going and I could hear the baby fussing in the background. I asked if the baby was okay and he shouts "this little f**ker has been like this ALL day!" I felt as though I had just been punch in the nose, eyes instantly welled up and had a lump in my throat so large I felt as if I were choking. I shouted back at him to never call my child such a name. How dare he?! This is a 4 month old teething infant for crying out loud, his own child! Another time, the baby began fussing and he says "Oh stop! Stop being a little sissy! No sissy!" Really? I guess he was planning on teaching our son from infanthood that it I "sissy-like" to show emotion. I say the worst was when the baby began crying in his crib one night after he tried putting him to sleep, he took him out and was walking into the living room with him. With the baby still crying, he attempts to lay him across his arm to check his diaper, instead he actually flipped the baby sideways over his arm. Luckily my son landed on the sofa and only bumped the side of his head on his walker that I had folded up and leaning against the side of the sofa. He immediately picked him up, and I don't think I have ever made a quicker movement in my life as I jumped off the couch on the other side of the room and snatched my son from his arms. I screamed at him asking what his problem was. He defensively yelled all he was trying to do was check his diaper but "he wiggled" out of his arms! Here we go! It had to be the baby's fault because he can never do anything wrong! That night is when I actually began suspecting drug use. He was in a very dazed and lethargic state. I think the final straw of letting him be alone with the baby was when he admitted to me that he had left him screaming in his crib, and once on the living room floor on another occasion, for "an hour or two" while he played his xbox. He claimed he had tried everything, but the baby was still fussy so he figured he needed to just "cry it out." He had his father living a block away, along with both sets of grandparents and an aunt living less than 5 minutes away, yet he didn't feel the need to call them to ask for help since he was clearly being overwhelmed. It was a beautiful 70 degree day. He could've at least put him in the stroller and taken him for a walk. Needless to say, I believe he told me this 3-4 days before I left him.

I wake up one morning to find a HUGE blood stain on the bed near his pillow. I called to ask what it was and he told me he had a nose bleed in middle of the night while sleeping. He got them all the time but claimed it was a reaction to the chemicals the foreign countries used to fumigate the containers he unloaded at work. That is when I started putting the pieces together. He had lost a significant amount of weight since he had been together, he never had an appetite, and he never slept for days straight, then a few days following that, he couldn't seem to keep his eyes open for longer than a minute. He even accidentally sent my mother a suspicious text message that previous October, when I was 8 months pregnant. It read "hey, you should come over later. I got a G. How is your nose?" My mother immediately called me while I was at work and told me. When I got home and asked what that was about, he flew into defense mode claiming it was meant for one of his buddies but it was just a joke. I forced myself to believe him. I wanted to believe him, but in the back of my mind it always seemed true.

Finally, after 7 months of suspicion and after one of his buddies came over and they just had a little "chat" on the front porch and he goes straight to the bathroom afterward, then comes out sniffling, I asked him if he was doing drugs. Rages again over why I would even suspect such a thing, basically tells me I'm crazy for thinking that. He said he hadn't done any drug, even marijuana, for over a year. I ask him to prove it to me and take one of those otc home drug tests. So he says "well I'll come up dirty because I just smoked a joint the other day!" Amazing how his story changes within a matter of seconds, right from one sentence to another. So I told him I still wanted proof. So then he says "fine! Lets go get one then! I'm not going to have you mad at me for something I'm not even doing!" We strapped the baby into the car seat at 930 pm and went to the drugstore. He went in and got it. We went home and while I was getting the baby settled back into his crib, he took the test into the bathroom. I opened the bathroom door and he was holding the test strip, SCRATCHING the absorbent test area with his fingernail. He threw it down on the sink counter and said "see, its all negative! I pissed all over it too!" He then got undressed and got in the shower. I looked at the test and they were all incomplete, not negative. I read the instructions and he was supposed to pee in the cup they provided and let the strip soak for 5 minutes. He purposely peed on the test and scratched it all up to screw it up and hoped I would be dumb enough to believe it. While he was still in the shower, I walked outside and called my mom. I began crying and told her everything. It couldn't take it anymore, I was at my breaking point. I couldn't take anymore of the lies and the mistreatment towards me and my son. She told me to go back into the house, get the baby, leave, and come over to her house for the night. I told her I was afraid to go in there because I didn't trust him. Her and my sister were over there less than 20 minutes later. My mom went inside the house with me and waited in the living room while I took my son out of his crib, which was in the same room as ours, and where the loser had been sleeping. I was so scared that all I could hear was my heartbeat, my face was burning, and I could actually feel my pulse through my eyeballs. I grabbed my son and he let out a little whimper. The room was pitch dark but he must have heard me walking out of the room into the hallway, and he yells out "Where the f*ck are you going?!" He chases me out into the living room, and when he sees my mother standing there, he changes his whole demeanor. The crocodile tears turn on and he starts saying "Baby, I love you! Please don't go! Why are you doing this?!" The fight followed us outside and we're screaming across the front yard at midnight. I tell him I know he purposely ruined the drug test and he says "Alright, I'll take another one tomorrow to prove your little DUMB A** that I'm not doing anything!" My sister immediately told him to never speak to me like that again in her presence again. I just got in my car with the baby and drove away.

The following days after I left were the worst. One day he was all about trying to get me back, telling me he is making all these steps to get his life back together, the next day he is telling me to go to hell and he is going to take me to court to get custody of our son. One time I went over to his place so he could see the baby and he cooked me dinner. He was begging me to stay the night but I declined. About an hour later, I told him I had a headache and he got me an "aspirin" that looked suspicious so I didn't take it. Turns out it was a sleeping pill. I discovered them in the bathroom. The pill he had given me was identical to the ones in the package. I instantly got freaked out and told him I had to leave. I never went over there alone again. He asked me through text about a month and a half after we broke up "I need to know right now if there is any chance of us getting back together. If not, I need to know so that I can move on." I told him I wasn't sure and that I felt like he had more things to worry about (like taking care of his son, maintaining a job, getting a vehicle, getting his license back, etc) besides "moving on" to another relationship anyways. He then asked me if I had been seeing anyone since I left. I answered no and asked why he asked. He said he was just curious and he would be "true" to me if I was true to him. When I finally got the rest of my belongings out of his house, I walked into a disaster. I made sure he was at work while I was doing this because I didn't want to get into another confrontation with him. There were beer bottles everywhere, rolled up dollar bills in the drawer under his coffee table, marijuana on the dresser beside the baby's crib, and his shot gun propped up against the wall between the crib and the dresser. There were another woman's clothes scattered across the room, on top of my dirty clothes. I was disgusted. He had just been asking me to come back 3 days prior to me seeing all this. Come to find out, he had gotten a new girlfriend within a month of me moving out. I found out through Facebook, that he was already with her when he was begging me to come back, and asked if I was talking to anyone. When I told him everything I saw in the apartment, he said the marijuana was from a stash he forgot he had and was just trying to get rid of it, he had the gun there because he had misplaced it after having to go through the closet for something, and denied the rolled up dollar bills entirely. He claimed I was making that up. He then tells me he has done coke "only one time" since being with me and it was at the start of "peak season" at work, which was that previous October. Coincidentally, that just so happened to be around that same he sent my mother that accidental text. The text which happened to be sent to the same friend he told me, two weeks before I left him, had a bad coke habit and his pregnant girlfriend almost kicked him out. I swear he must have thought I was stupid to not connect all these dots. I remember crying and asking how it was so easy for him just to move on so quickly. He tells me that I could've told him I loved him more, could've been more affectionate, and I could've cooked more. I told him he needed serious help. He stated "I know I do and I'm going to get help. I've even thought about taking the easy way out." Here we go... Lets pull the "I'm contemplating suicide" card so she'll feel sorry for me, He even said "the reason why I never admitted to doing the drugs is because I know you wouldn't accept it and just leave me anyways." I said "the reason why I left is because you REFUSE to admit that you have a problem! You can't start recovery if you can't admit you have a problem!" When we received our income taxes a few weeks after I moved out, he took $2,000 and promised to use it to fix my car. It was middle of the summer and I had no working a/c and I was carting the baby around in it. He never fixed it. He blew all the money and drugs and alcohol within two weeks, never bought anything for his son even when I asked. Coincidentally, he also got fired from his job as well. I used my tax money to retain a lawyer to take him to court for custody and support. I told my lawyer I wanted him to submit to a drug test in court before I would be comfortable with any unsupervised visitation. I wanted him to be tested by hair follicle as well, not urine. It only takes a short period of time for drugs to stay in urine and he is aware of this. He would allow those days for it to clear his system before court, and continue after court.

In the days between me filing papers and him getting served, he made about 2-3 attempts to see the baby. The first time he came over with his dad on a Thursday. On his way out that night, he told me he had a side job he had to work Friday, but asked if he could come by that following Saturday. I agreed. Friday night, I called him to ask when I could be expecting him to come by because I had to work and if he was coming over before 5, I wanted to let my mom know. He told me "well, I won't be able to tomorrow because my dad has plans and I don't have any other ride over there." I just said "ok then, that's fine, goodbye." I find out via Facebook (yes, I looked at his girlfriend's page) to see that he was at the beach with her all day Saturday. This made me upset because now it was clear that he was choosing his social life over his son. I confronted him about it and we got into another argument and I ended up getting emotional and began crying, he hung up on me. The following Thursday he had called my house while I wasn't there and I saw it when I got home but it was too late to return. I called him back Friday evening and he said he called because he wanted to come over to see the baby but the weather got bad. I accepted this because we really did have severe thunderstorms, even tornado warnings, come through the area that evening. He tells me that he finally found a new job and he was actually working as we spoke at that moment. Claimed he had to work all weekend and wanted to come by to see the baby on Monday. Again, I agreed. Monday comes around and it is a no show, no call from him. I'm furious by this point and send him a text message Tuesday morning telling him unless he picks two days a week to come over, and sticks to them, he can't come over at all. Later on that night, my phone rings and I see his name on the caller ID so I figure it is him setting up the visitation. I answer to him yelling "I just got your papers in the mail! You need to call the mediator to set up the mediation!" I told him that I wasn't doing mediation, I was going to court. He then got very irate, yelling "why?! Why do we have to go to court?! You're going to get what you want anyway!" I asked why he couldn't just start helping me now and he says "I would, but I don't have a job!" I guess he was really started to confuse himself with his own lies because he had just told me 4 days prior to this that he was at work. I asked him what he was doing Friday and he shouts "that was just a little side hustle so I could eat!" At this point, I was so angry, I hung up on him.

The following days had been the most peaceful in almost 3 months. Since another excuse I often got from him in the reason why he wasn't helping was because I wouldn't let him know what I needed, I decided to put it to the test. I sent him a text to him to let him know that the baby had a past due doctor bill of $230 and I would need $115 from him in ten days because it was due in 11 days. He replied with a simple "Ok." Didn't even ask about his son. Five days later, I send him a text saying "your son needs diapers. He wears a size 3." He asks "when does he need them by? whats going on with the mediation? The mediator called me again." I told him he would need them by the weekend and not to worry about the mediation because I was taking care of it. He responded with "Ok." About 20 minutes had past and he still didn't even bother to ask how the baby was doing, so I sent a text asking "do you ever plan on seeing him anytime soon?" He responded "yeah but you told me I had to pick 2 days a week." I said "yeah.... And that was over a week ago..." He says "well my dad and I decided on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Would it kill you to send me a picture of him every once in a while?" I replied "would it kill you to start supporting him?"

I guess I hurt his feelings because the weekend came and went with no sign of the loser. That Monday, I went out and bought the diapers and paid the full $230 doctor bill over the phone. I was so upset that he was treating my son like this, I took a picture of him and sent it to him with the text attached reading "here is the picture you wanted. Now you can go show him off to everyone. Just be sure to tell them 'here is my son that I REFUSE to take care of!'" Maybe I was wrong for letting my emotions get the best of me, but I couldn't take anymore of him treating my child like dirt and me seeming "understanding" about it. Also, I knew he would be accusing me in court of refusing him to see his son, so I wanted to prove that was not the case if I was the one bugging him to come see him.

A whole month passes by with no word from him until, out of the blue on day, I get a text from him asking "how is little man?" I ignored it. I finally began sorting through all my belongings I gathered from the apartment in trash bags two months earlier. To much surprise, I found a receipt in the same bag he used to pack his work lunches in. The receipt was from a hardware store for nothing else but razor blades. I check the date of purchase and it was 3/12/10. The night he dropped my son was 3/15/10. He had also received his state income tax refund that weekend. I shed a tear because that confirmed the suspicions I had all along. He had a 3 day coke binge, and was "coming down" off it the same night he dropped our son.

Three days later, my lawyer called me to let me know that loser had sent them a letter with an address on it. He had gotten evicted from his apartment a month before. My lawyer made copies and mailed me the letter he sent them and he used his father's address. I sent him a text asking "so you're living with your dad? What is your excuse for not coming over to see your son?" He immediately calls me and says "I'm not living with my dad! I'm living with my mom! I'm just using my dad's address to get my mail!" Again, we get into an argument. I get emotional again and start asking "do you know when the last time was you saw your son?! It was 8 weeks ago!" He hung up on me again. I call his father and ask "do you know where [loser] is living?" He states "umm... I'm not really sure.." I ask "Is he living with his mother?" He says "the last I heard, he was." Okay, so why didn't he just answer with that when I asked the first question? He tells me the same thing loser just did, that he was just using his address to get his mail. He then begins telling me that the loser "is struggling. He isn't doing the hard stuff." He said that in reference to loser's drug use. I tell him that I was struggling trying to take care of my son without any help from the loser and he says "well that is why we are trying to help you. We know he know he is a deadbeat. Right now, I'm trying to help him pay back his landlord all the money he owes them. He owes them A LOT!" I then tell him that I would let my lawyer know that he really isn't living with him and he says "okay I'll have a talk with [loser] tonight. He is supposed to be spending the night here." I hang up and loser immediately texts me saying "when you aren't yelling, I'll talk to you." I ignored him. This was all a lie, he wasn't living with neither his mother or father, but a convicted sex offender (his friend and owner of the landscaping business he worked for.)

Ah, finally the day of court arrives. My lawyer meets up with me before we go in to see the judge and notifies me that loser got a public defender and asked the court for a continuance only the day before. Typical! He had over two months to plan for this, but he purposely wanted to drag it out longer! My lawyer tells me he was still going to ask to have the drug test administered on loser and myself. It was all going to be at my expense. The judge didn't agree with having loser tested without his lawyer being present so that got put off until a week later, the continued court date. I remember him stomping out of the court room slamming doors on the way out.

A week later, he shows up at court with his grandfather. Before we got called into the court room, his lawyer approached my lawyer saying that loser was admitting he had a drug problem and was planning on going to rehab so it was unnecessary to have him tested. He just didn't want his family to find out he was doing "the hard stuff" in addition the marijuana he told them about. He needs to have their support, especially financially. Anyway, the court document states that until he completes rehab and gets suitable housing, the issue of visitation will be revisited in court. When my lawyer brought up the subject of visitation and who I wanted to supervise the visits, I said "not his family because they enable him." I knew that if they did, since they don't believe he is doing anything "bad" and think that I'm just being bitter, they would allow loser to take him out of their sight and God knows what situations he would then put my son in. I told him either myself or my mother. I guess loser agreed. In fact, he never even petitioned the court for ANY type of visitation. The judge had to force him to go file while we sat in the court room and waited. He used his grandfather's credit card to cover the filing fee. The court document states that he is supposed to pay $300 each month in support and is allowed up to 10 hours per week of supervised visitation after he gives me 48 hours notice by the email address he provided me with. My lawyer even said to me after court "he is not going to rehab. He'll be using the visitations as a tool to get back with you, and hopefully you'll be smarter than that." I was relieved that I had some sense of closure and start to put most of this nightmare behind me.

The next day, I get an email from his father claiming to be loser. Stating that "I will be using my dads email to set up visitation since I don't have access to a computer or email address of my own." What sense does this make?! I swear they think I'm mentally retarded! I responded "Just have a question. If this was "[loser]" that sent this, why couldn't you go on yahoo and sign into your e-mail account? Obviously you had to use a computer to send that and you told the court you are living with your dad and I'm sure he has a computer. If you didn't have access to a computer or an e-mail account why did you agree to set up visitation using your email that your lawyer gave me? Or is this [loser's dad] that sent this? Until I receive PROPER notification of visitation from that e-mail that was given to me, I am disregarding this. I'm over playing these games."

He e-mailed me from his address the next day asking if I would consider bringing our son over to his grandparent's house but I told him I had already planned on taking him trick-or treating. He came over and joined me and my sister to take him through the neighborhood. That night after we were done, my son had already fell asleep, and loser begins to tell me how I'm "not being fair" to his family. I begin to get upset again and ask him "fair?! where have you been for the past 4 months?!" He throws his head back and rolls his eyes saying "don't start crying." I ask "why does it matter to you?" He states "because I still don't like seeing you cry." Oh, okay... He also told me that night that he hadn't done any drug in months and that the only reason why he admitted that in court was to do me a favor financially. Funny, because he was never, still has yet to be, that helpful with helping me out with the expenses involved in taking care of his son. He said "and I figured if I did that, we could work something out so that you'll let me have him at my dad's on the weekend."
Wth?! I just went through $3000 in lawyer fees and 4 months of him being a ghost to turn around and "work something out" for his sake? I told him if I did that, I would be violating a court order. If he wanted it to change, he would have to do
what the order says or take me back to court. He huffs and puffs, then asks "well can you just bring him over to my grandparents' house next week. They really want to see him." I agreed.

November 5, 2010 is when I brought my son over there and was the last time loser has seen him. His first birthday was a week later, and loser asked if I would bring him over to his dad's house but I told him I had already planned something else. I has even invited him, he declined. I asked him why he always had to have his family around just for him to spend time with his son and he yells "because MY FAMILY wants to see him!" As if he really wanted to say "its them that wants to see him, not me!" Now I see the big picture. He has to have an audience while being "daddy." He needs people to pat him on the back to say "you're a great father and it isn't fair that this b**** is taking something this important away from you. You have my sympathy. Let me know if you need anything." He knows that my family and I know different so if it is just us around while he is playing "daddy" its pointless, and he gains nothing. Anyway, I'm assuming he feels that since it is his way or the highway, he never came around to wish his son a happy birthday, didn't drop off any gifts, didn't even mail a card. Never came around, called, emailed, for our son's first REAL Christmas, since he was only 6 weeks old last Christmas. The night before Christmas Eve, I remember coming home from standing in line for 2 hours so my son could see Santa, only to read on Facebook that he was blowing his money at the strip club. He didn't buy his son a single gift.

Shortly after the new year, I discovered that he had gotten with someone. By mid February, he was telling her that he had finally found "true love" and he "would do anything to hold onto it." He told her she was the most important thing in his life and she asked "can you make that permanent?" Less than two months later, after only four months of them dating, I find a picture of them with rings on BOTH of their left ring fingers. Still not fully over him, this upset me. I figured if he had married her after only four months of knowing her, and him knowing me for 10 years, being together for 2 years straight this go-around, doing everything to keep him happy, and even giving him a healthy son, there must have been something wrong with me for him to not want to try his best to keep me around. He was obviously spending money on her, yet never made an attempt to pay his over-due child support. The only time up till that point that I had received anything was when DSS finally caught up to him and began garnishing his wages. Soon after, he had a "falling out" with his friend/owner of the landscaping company, moved out of the guy's house and in with his girlfriend. Oh, how typical of him, he didn't get his way again. He e-mailed me a week before Father's Day 2011 and that was the first I had heard from him in 7 months. I honestly didn't even see the e-mails until 2 weeks later and he never followed through. I had given up on him making attempts by that point, enough that I wasn't that serious about checking my e-mail.

In April I found out that his girlfriend had recently finalized her divorce from her ex-husband and would be returning to her home state (10 hours away) at the very end of August, with him tagging along of course. Obviously, they couldn't have been married two months ago. They are just pretending to be. Anyway, I was shocked because I had received word from DSS in July saying that they would be pulling him back into court in November for failure to pay support. I was curious to see how this all played out. Three weeks after sending him the summons to appear in court, I began receiving weekly amounts up until a week after he had moved, then they started again by the end of October. Four days after I began receiving the money since he moved, he sends me an email asking "how is my son? If you remember, it is court ordered that you keep me informed about him. Can you at least send me some pictures of him since you won't let me see him? I'm doing everything I have to do to be a father, I'm still paying child support. I'm getting nothing from you and I'm doing everything I was ordered to do." I suspect it was his girlfriend that wrote it for him, because the grammar and spelling was normal. I told him to re-read the court order again, it says for him to e-mail me to set up visitation, not that I have to give information or send pictures. How is my son supposed to benefit from that? I said "until I read 'I would like to
see my son on [this date] at [this time], this is the last response you'll get from me. The next day I find an e-mail from her with the subject "introduction." I open and she tells me her name and immediately states that they are "engaged" and that loser had "recently" been making it "more known" that he wanted to see his son. She said the purpose of the e-mail was for her to let me know that she "will be there" when loser sees his son and she didn't want me to be shocked that she was there. I'm thinking "ugh, here we go... I guarantee he is telling her that I still want him, but he doesn't want me and my way of revenge is not letting him see his son." I replied back to her that I was not the reason why loser had not seen his son in a year, that he had only made 1 attempt before this time, within a year. I told her I had given up on begging loser to see his son a year ago. She tells me he feels really sorry, but things have been tough for them financially and he hadn't had the means to come see him. I planned on not responding anymore, until... I went to our court hearing and he didn't show up! I got confirmation that he was living in another state, with his girlfriend's parents. They decided not to count it against him since he wages were currently being garnished. Something brought me back to the last e-mail his girlfriend sent and I had to send her one to let her know that I knew what they were up to. I said "So now the excuse shifts from me not letting him see his son, to him not having money or transportation?? How did he make it 600 miles to another state then? Did he walk? For over a year before he left, he was living less than 10 minutes away and within walking distance from his son. Sorry, but if there is a will, there is a way. Also, sounds like a great way to become a better father. Nothing says 'I love you' like up and moving 11 hours
away without even saying goodbye beforehand. I applaud him. Good job." She fired back saying "we moved here so he could get a better job and because my father is very ill. We're only going to be here for a few months and we'll be moving back. I know you're pissed and there is nothing I can say because it all sounds like excuses and BS. He knows where I stand on him stepping up, being a man, and seeing his son. Anyway, I'm sorry for all the trouble and thank you for taking the time to respond." I replied telling her I don't blame her for this and I really was sorry to hear about her father. Bottom line is that Loser is a grown man that has choices, and the choices he makes regarding our child will forever get to me, or at least for the next 16 years. Soon after, I saw that her cousin posted a status saying "its sad when a baby mama has to keep a dad that cares away from his kid just because he has another woman." Haha! Please! The only one keeping him from his kid is himself and show me "a dad that cares" and he will not be in front of me! He is trying to get his girlfriend and her whole family to hate me and feel sympathy for him. They think "wow, he is a really good guy. He is so great with kids, so there is no doubt that he had to be great with his son! Poor guy, his evil ex must be a horribly insecure person!" Whatever, they can think what they want. I'm just glad I am no longer the one being manipulated by all his lies.

I still haven't heard from him or the girlfriend since November. I ignore his whole family because they are just as bad as he is, they love bringing the drama into my life. I actually have reason to believe many of them are just as disordered as he is, especially his dad's side of the family. They seem to play both sides of the field by telling me "we know what he is doing is wrong and we're on your side. We don't even know where [loser] is or what he is doing because he has burned all his bridges with this family." Then I see they are telling him a couple weeks later "we love you and hope you're doing well. We are so happy for you and [girlfriend] and we miss you at family gatherings." Then seeing them talk amongst each other on Facebook saying [loser] and [girlfriend] are so cute together. I like her. She seems to be good for him." Of course! She is moved him far away from them! Now they don't have to deal with him knocking on their doors every other day asking for something! His sister actually said to me before "If you don't let 'jr' see us, he won't know us, and that is not fair to us or him." Ugh, I could go on for days talking on this subject. I typically get what I like to call "holiday harassment" from them. It gets easier to deal with them as time goes on. As of now, loser is just over $3,000 in child support arrears. He hasn't even filed his taxes in two years. I'm guessing he knows I'll get the refund so he is doing it out of spite.

About four months ago, I learned that he had another baby on the way. His girlfriend is thrilled and I'm sure she thinks that she is giving him something he has always wanted but the ones before her never let him have, a chance to be a dad. Little does she know what monster is lurking behind his mask. This is going down the exact path he took me down. But wait, I guess his way of him to show her he is "forever hers" was to get her name tattooed over his heart. Goes to show how much unconditional love he has for his son because his name is nowhere on him. A girl he has known for less than two years is WAY more special than his own flesh and blood. But I guess not, considering a two year old can't give you money, sex, drugs, a place to live, or a car to take you where you need to go. He considers his child useless because he simply can't benefit from him now.

This all started to really break me down until I started doing research about absent fathers. Reading that most of them are known to have personality disorders, and putting together all the pieces of our relationship going back 11 years, there is no doubt in my mind he suffers from one. In the past 2 months I have read multiple books about these disorders and it has helped me make sense of it all. I know he is mentally disordered, and I still can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is. Part of me feels bi-polar, but most of me is thinking narcissism. It seems like he has reckless mania-like behaviors all the time, and very rarely are they followed by depressive episodes. Even when he is depressed, he still does reckless things and blames everyone else but himself. I think it has been something he has suffered from since childhood. His parents had a very rough marriage. He told me that him and his sister knew about their mother having an affair and running up credit card bills. To make it worse, their mother introduced her lover to them, and demanded them to lie, and hide credit card statements that came in the mail. When they split up, in a way to "break even" financially, his mother took his sister and his father kept him. I believe his father was so hurt by what his wife had done, he began to "vent" his frustration over her to his teenage son. I think loser, who had already felt abandoned by his mother, began fueling a hatred for women. He holds a lot of resentment towards his mother, yet LOVES his dad and his grandparents. Of course, why would he not? They provide him with everything he needs, clean up his messes, and fight his battles all while blaming his mother for the way he turned out, never themselves. They actually talk bad about her to loser. In a way, I do feel sorry for him, but I still don't think this gives him an excuse for his treatment towards his son.

I actually had a co-worker ask me if I regret having a child with him. Honestly, I can't say that I have any regret. If it wasn't for my son, I would probably still be with him today. Being brainwashed into believing that I somehow deserved everything he was doing to me. When I witnessed how cruel he was to my son, I knew I had to get him away from him. Maybe I deserve what the loser put me through for being so ignorant and blinded by his false "love," but my son certainly did not deserve to be treated badly. Although it may seem like I am upset that he isn't in my son's life, I'm actually happy because I know it is best for him. My child won't be subjected to all the lies, manipulation, confusion, and emotional and verbal abuse the loser is known to dish out. My son is a well-balanced, happy, and healthy child and I would like to keep it that way. I'm just wondering how to tell him about his father when he asks the question "where is he and why did he leave?" I want to be honest with him, but I don't want to damage his self-esteem. I don't want him to feel the way that I felt years ago, the feeling of not being worthy of his love and attention. I also worry about the loser coming back into the picture and telling my son the reason why he never came around was because I didn't allow him to see him. Being the spiteful person he is, he will do everything in his power to get revenge for me walking out on him. I'm sure he knows the way to hit me where it really hurts is to turn my son against me. I don't think he has ever accepted that fact that I have always and will always love my son more than I care about him. I have dreams of getting married one day and hopefully my husband would adopt my son, but I know loser will never give consent. His family has to much "pride" to allow him to do such a thing. I am a believer in "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." This has, without a doubt, made me stronger than I ever thought.

Sorry this is so long and if you're still here, thank you for taking the time to read. Writing all this has made it even more clear how screwed up he really is. I had repressed many of these memories for a while. Writing one made me remember another, and another. So on and so forth. I shall save this page and refer to this if he EVER tries to sweet talk me again into "making things right" with me.