Briseis, this is a continuation of the 'over-apologizing' thread
Briseis, this is a continuation of the 'over-apologizing' thread
Below is my reply to what you last posted to me, in that thread where we were talking about apologizing and recovery. That message thread got bumped down, so I re-posted my reply here, so it'd be easier to locate it.
It'd be great to hear what you think, because your insights & feedback are really making me look at myself in a way I never did before. Thanks for stepping out on that limb to offer the tough love that I need to hear. I can take it.
: )
Oh, thanks for saying, "Leah, you are a human being!! Not a wooden girl who wishes she was real." Wow. I really needed to hear that. Sometimes that's exactly how I feel. And I think I've been feeling that way my whole life.
Okay, here's what I wrote earlier:
- - - - - - -
Briseis, I totally understand what you mean, completely. I should clarify that I don't make amends every day, but it's frequent enough. Too frequent. Enough that it's inappropriate. And if I'm not making amends, I'm often thinking about doing so, which takes up the same amount of mental space.
What I do everyday is...
- Think over & over in my head about a conversation I recently had with someone, and get stuck on something I MIGHT HAVE said that might have upset them...
- Worry that I've made a mistake...like I had told the woman, who I'm going to live with in CA, that I was going to call her on Sunday. Sunday night came and I knew I wasn't in shape for that call, so I texted asking if we could talk today. I didn't hear back from her right away, and I automatically assumed I had upset her. This morning I e-mailed her, and of course everything was fine & I had made it all up in my head. It's funny, because the ex-N's passive aggression really brought out this trait of mine. In the beginning of the relationship, I made it clear on a few occasions that I thought he was upset when he wasn't, so we had this understanding that whenever I was making up stuff in my head about his feelings toward me, that I would check in with him about it. In the beginning it worked fine, and he understood. Then somewhere along the way I grew to trust him & didn't need to 'check in' anymore, and that's precisely when he started hiding his true feelings from me and devaluation began. Ugh.
- Almost automatically say, "I'm sorry," often unconsciously. It drives my friends crazy. I've gotten better, but if I'm feeling particularly insecure in a situation, it'll come out.
Recently it did occur to me in some moment....that it's kind of attention-getting. That it's not cool.
It's such an old, unconscious habit from living with my parents.
It definitely is self-centered, and I'm just beginning to realize that. It took me a while. And it's so unconscious, it's hard to break the habit, even if I intellectually understand it. But it is self-centered, and that's not the energy or message I want to convey about myself.
It even drove the narc crazy.
I have the habit, when I feel like people are extending themselves too much for me, of saying, 'Are you sure?' The most recent ex-N mentioned once in the beginning of the relationship, in passing, and I didn't think twice about it. Then when I visited him, it happened while we were walking around, and he got angry...
N: "It really ANNOYS me when you do that."
Me: "Do what?"
N: "Say, 'Are you sure?'"
Me: "Oh, I wish you had told me sooner."
N: "I'm telling you NOW because it annoys me NOW."
And on the breakup call, when I was really caught off guard & nervous and said something similar, he said...
N: "Aargh!!! It REALLY BOTHERS ME when you ask questions like that?!"
Me: "I'm sorry, what did I say? (in tears)"
N: "You just asked me if you could ask me some questions and I said, 'Yes.' And then you ask me if I have enough time to talk?! I just told you that you could ask me questions! The more you ask me those kinds of questions, THE MORE IT MAKES ME QUESTION THE FIRST ANSWER I GAVE YOU!!! It REALLY bothers me!"
I broke down sobbing when he said that.
I had asked him if he had enough time because he had barely given me any phone time for almost 3 weeks...it wasn't such a crazy question, in light of all that had been going on.
*sigh*
I'm guessing that while these are habits I need to change, a true healing partner could've approached me in a different way, yes?
A non-narc wouldn't break up with me for these habits, would they? I can't lie...that's in my thoughts. That I might have been too insecure for him.
I recently read somewhere that narcs like strong women, and when they detect a woman is weak, they drop them. I suspect that between my insecurities and then my clinging during the D&D, he saw me as very weak and unattractive. It sucks that that's his final memory of me.
Ugh. I really want to change. These habits are not attractive.
Thanks for all your concern & compassion - it's perfect and incredibly helpful!!!!
Really, perfect.
Where else could I feel the safety to share this stuff and receive such heart-full feedback?
Now I need to start changing...I'm just not sure how.
-Leah
I often don't know "what" to
Brie
The term self centered has a
Briseis, I understand. And you're right...
- I do give other people
Briseis, my problem is that
People that love you accept
Idealk
Wow Leah
Journey on...
Hi Journey, thanks for sharing
Being insecure
Journey on...
Journey