Breakthrough moment

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#1 May 11 - 7PM
stayingstrong11
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Breakthrough moment

Your right it… it must have been all my fault ( sarcastic )

Dear Narc/P/S,

I found out 2 days ago that you had a girlfriend. Yes I hadn’t blocked you. Yes I asked. Yes I reached out because this month would have been the month that our twins were due and I was feeling vulnerable and felt you were the last connection to them. Finding out you had a girlfriend was enough to trigger me to remember all the wonderful times I had with you the first few months…. During what I now know was a love bombing stage… a stage where you adored everything about me, told me we were soulmates and that we were meant to be together. You told me after our 2nd date that you knew we would have a wonderful family together one day and that you actually wished your 1 year old daughter was with me instead of with the woman you had her with… I now see just how “Off” you had to be to tell me all of those things…But I ate it up… You had told me you have stalked me on Facebook for months before we were talking and I now see why. You quickly gained knowledge of how much I wanted a real relationship with a man. I was open and out there with my feelings on social media... I never imagined that a guy would take that information and eventually use it against me… You were also married during the time you claimed to have stalked me and it didn’t occur to me than that you were lining me up before the end of your marriage. You told me how awful your ex wife was to you, how she cheated on you, how she hurt you, you called her crazy and even told me you thought she was a sociopath…( oh the irony of it all )…..

Within the first 2 hours of you telling me you had a girlfriend I was rocked to my core. I wanted to throw up… How could another girl be in my spot…imagining her getting the love bombing part of you seemed like more than I could bare…. Even though you told me you had a new girlfriend you also said you still loved me and always would, that you still missed me and always would and that it is my fault we aren’t talking because after our break up I didn’t try to see you or talk to you…….. it is amazing how God works… you see , Over the past few months I was in CD… I was confused…I still wondered if I was the one that made our relationship end…if I had just tried harder, just dug deeper, just allowed you to yell at me one more time than maybe I would still be that girl in your arms….. Than it hit me like TON OF BRICKS….

Within the first few months of our relationship I found several messages to your ex girlfriends. You had told them you think about them all the time. One of them you wrote to and said “ A pretty girl will always make you head spin”. You had told another girl that you “should have had an affair with her when you were married”….. And I realized I am now ONE of those girls to you. The girl you now call your girlfriend who most likely helps you with childcare, listens to your outlandish stories, comes to all YOUR family events, and helps you make your ex wife jealous is someone else…. I realize how lucky I AM TO NOT HAVE MY BOYFRIEND TELLING THERE EX THAT THEY STILL MISS THEM AND LOVE THEM! I had prayed to God for clarity and man oh man have I gotten it…. You said time and time again “THAT YOU LOVE ME…. THAT I MEANT THE WORLD TO YOU AND THAT IT IS MY FAULT WE ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER” so here is goes…..

Yes , you are right…. It must have been all my fault that you told me that your ex wife asked if I was jealous of her…that she asked you what you say back to me when you say I love you... that she came in your work and told you that you look handsome… that you got pot from her and smoked it with her in her house months after we started dating… and than when I question you about it cause it felt uncomfortable you said “I WAS CRAZY AND JEALOUS”…. That must have been MY FAULT for feeling confused….. When you went to trade shows for work and ended up in strip clubs partying or you would leave your phone in the hotel room and I would feel insecure that you were getting drunk with your female boss at a strip club until 2 am… when I told you this made me uncomfortable your response was “ YOU ARE INSECURE AND IT IS YOUR FAULT”….. When you would came home hours after work and you were drunk and missed dinner with my god daughter and I your response was “ YOU SHOULD BE LUCKY I AM HOME AT 11PM and NOT 2 AM”…. When I miscarried our first baby and went to the hospital a few days later to see what was going on, I found out that I had miscarried one of our babies but that I actually had twins in there and that one of the babies was still alive and I saw the heartbeat for the first time. I had never been pregnant before and was so excited. You still went out and got drunk with your friend and came home and told me that you hope the 2nd baby isn’t retarded because of the hard pregnancy and you hope that I keep working out cause you are a hot guy and deserve a hot wife….. Or when the 2nd miscarriage happened 3 months into the pregnancy and you told me to have my dad come get me. My dad was in the hospital with me that whole night and you didn’t call once. For 5 hours. And the only reason you had was that your daughter was asleep. Or the time when you told me that you had only gotten 2 phone numbers since you had been working at your new job but to not worry cause you threw them away. Or when you told me that your mom was still hoping that you would get back together with your ex wife 9 months into our relationship ( ihad built a strong bond with your mother and that hurt so much) . Or the time you told me that you used to go to those massage parlors and get a happy ending but not to worry cause you haven’t done that in a long time. Or the time when you stayed in a hotel for work training… The training was 30 mins from our house. Why the heck do you need to stay in a hotel 30 mins away. Your reason was cause you needed “rest”. Your phone went straight to voicemail until you called me at midnight drunk. I am so sure you needed ‘Rest”…. Or the fact that you had 4 jobs in the year I knew you…. ALL of them ending with you fighting with your boss. Or the fact that you smoked pot 5 times a day. The fact that my 2 bedroom condo that I owned and furnished ended up being the place we lived together. You gave me $700 a month ( always 10 days late at least) for you and I to share a room and your daughter to have her own room. The total bills were 1,400-1,500…not to mention I bought all the supplies for the house, went grocery shopping 9 times out of 10, made sure your daughter had milk and diapers, watched your daughter 1-2 times a week while you were at work, bought your daughter everything to furnish her room, helped co parent your daughter with you and even though I was still jealous from the things you had told me about your ex wife, I managed to have a relationship with her where she was coordinating drop off and pick ups with me…… and in the end after we broke up YOU had the nerve to tell me “how dare I hurt your daughter and now that we are breaking up she wont have her room anymore”…. I felt bad and let you stay at my house rent free for 5 weeks… when you left you left the place a disaster. I had to clean everything. You even left all your hair shavings in the sink and left every toy I ever bought your daughter on the floor for me to throw away. This was 2 months after I had miscarried our babies. There was also the yelling rages every few days. When anything would make you mad you would yell and talk to me like I was a child.

And in the end I still told you I loved you and that I wanted to work on things. I told you that we needed to find a way to communicate better ect. Your response to me was “ YOU ARE CRAZY AND IT IS YOUR FAULT THAT WE ARE BREAKING UP”…… I finally get it… it was a loosing battle…. There wasn’t anything I could say or do that would have made it different…
How dare you say I didn’t try. I told you that I would have done anything to make it work except continue with the abusive patterns. How dare you say I didn’t care about your daughter. I connected and provided for her on every level. For the last year and a half I have allowed you to manipulate me, I have allowed you to make me question myself and my intentions…. God truly works in amazing ways… The clarity I got from you telling me that you had a girlfriend but that you still loved me brought me back to the beginning of us… the beginning of the mind fuck…the beginning of feeling lost in triangulation …except I am now on the other end. I asked your ex wife once how she can be so nice towards me ( afterall I thought seeing you with another women would make me bonkers)…she said well “ I was in love with him, than he made me hate him and now I am indifferent”…. I think I am finally understading how she got there… Thank God for these moments

May 12 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Finally, stayingstrong, you have

spinning

May 13 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
stayingstrong11
stayingstrong11's picture

(not)spinning