Breaking up before special events or holidays

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#1 Dec 21 - 11AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Breaking up before special events or holidays

I had been dating a man for 27 months. I now have realized that I have been with a Cerebral Narcissist. I spent a lot of time reading and researching this. My counselor confirmed my diagnosis of him based on many examples I gave him...Cerebral N's are asexual. They get their kicks from intelligent things. Sex doesn't mean anything to them. Somatic N's are playboys...I broke up with my N almost 2 wks. ago..He put all his N tactics to work on me, but I put a mirror of truth in front of him every time to the point that he stated to me as we broke up..."You, rocked by world to the core of my being with all the hurtful things you just told me. You need to leave. I am done with you!" Note: 2 wks. prior to the blow up, he told our couples counselor that he loved me a lot and how I was his soulmate..so unstable...value and devalue and then discard patterns. I do have a question that I would like an answer too though..Why would he create a problem for us right before his family would come over or even while they were around us and then make a scene and tell me to go home? Also, why would he break up so often especially before special holidays...Valentine's Day, Mothers Day, and Christmas...Was he afraid of having to give me a card expressing emotions that he wasn't really feeling? Please give me your experiences and opinions...

#2 Dec 22 - 8AM

A Narc Encounter

I Dumped Mine before the Holidays

I love this forum and already bought Lisa's book on Kindle "Its All About Him." I will get the Path Forward because obvious I am going to need it. I have not posted my story yet-but in a nutshell... Gorgeous, 55 yo, Harrison Ford look alike...he replied to a room mate ad..so you can say it was on line...Spring 2011. Danced with me like Cinderella from day one...was so special I kept a diary to record every lovely moment. I am 48, widow and built a decent life for myself. Diary (he later found and wrote a compliment to himself in!) came in so direly handy when things started to go south at the end of summer. BUT they started to go South before the gas lighting. So I was rather prepared thanks to women's stories on line, when that began-out of nowhere. Skipping to the holiday dump...yes, I dumped him before he ruined my holidays. I used his first and only gas lightening moment to do it! As I will share in my story...I was just figuring out I was with a Cerebral Narc around Nov 15th, and read they HATE the holidays. Because attention is deflected from them. So, they hate, hate, hate the holidays. I love holidays so much I did not need a super dose of whatever I had been getting in the autumn. I read they can get depressed and I was sure mine was going to be. I also know a Narc is with what woman he REALLY loves on Christmas, and I already knew it would be his "Mommys" a day trip from here...so he would have to do something with me. Well, I did it first. I had read the only women (beyond Mommy-if he is pro mommy) a narc will claim to ever have loved is the one who treated them poorly and slipped away from them first. I guess that is still better than what was in store for me in his world!

#3 Dec 22 - 10AM (Reply to #14)

virginia (not verified)

Narcs sure have a weird twisted way...

Boy, narcs have such a twisted way of thinking and behaving. My CN loves little children because they don't challenge him, except that they do demand some attentive attention. My N seems to be too close to his adult daughter who enables him and over protects her father as a perfect man...So, I got dumped 2 hrs. before his daughter and her family were due to visit us at my boyfriends house. How weird. He created a problem out of no where 2 hrs. before the gathering and he told me to go home to my place. I think he wanted to be with his "daughter" the enabler, more than me the confronter with observations and opinions. N's feel threatened by us happy normal people. We get punished for their problems all of the time, because misery loves company. They are truly miserable souls. They dish it all out, but can't take a morsel of it.

#4 Dec 22 - 11AM (Reply to #15)

A Narc Encounter

My Narc loves dogs. As you

My Narc loves dogs. As you mentioned-little kids and animals--never challenge the Narc. This can also be known as "Triangulation." Meaning CN would pet and kiss and hug my dog almost the way he should have been showing me affection. Get down on the floor and roll around, very animated. This is kind of like a "3rd party" tactic to diffuse what could be strong emotions with me. The daughter you mentioned...my CN has one also, and the dynamics are odd. Narcs see their kids as an extension of themselves and you can bet she has the same hot rod car he does and so do his other kids. Even though he is chronically broke. He buys their affection as he has never had anything else to offer. The really funny part is his controlling mother [THE reason for his entire season]admonishes him for giving his kids stuff. So, they can have their vicious cycle, I bet it will be torrid this year and glad I am not in the mix. Be glad you are not in the mix this season. Any hurt you got already would have been magnified. I think the feeling of being exiled from a gathering you were planning on-has got to be such a blow, so you may be suggesting you already got the pain. He has N2 lined up (daughter) and I do not think you could bear the exchanges and dynamics if you stayed. When NS2 has other plans, well he will call you.

#5 Dec 24 - 12AM (Reply to #17)

virginia (not verified)

So true! Thank you for your insight...

Yes you are right. It feels like my exN had an emotional incestual relationship with his daughters and I told him that 2 wks. ago when I was very upset. Also, when my N would get upset at me, he would give me the silent treatment for weeks. He would tell me that he withdraws because he is hyper sensitive, I was not allowed to be sensitive and withdraw when he hurt me...Is his saying that he withdraws and shuts down because he is hyper senstive true or just an excuse to control and manipulate?? what is your opinion?

#6 Dec 22 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

spinning

Hi Virginia and Narc Encounter,

I just wanted to clarify that we advocate for No Contact with regard to the disordered ones, so Virginia, your best move should he contact you would be your silence. Ignore. Delete. Block. I'm going to borrow a phrase from my sister in strength Hunter and reiterate that engaging with these "individuals" is a big huge does of scrambled eggs. Their words are scrambled eggs and your words to them have no meaning and fall on deaf ears. Here's another truism on The Path Forward: Contact = Pain, every single time. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE ME

spinning

#7 Dec 21 - 12PM

Femmegem

Hi Virginia

I think you're right! Mine engineered a huge argument before 2 weddings we were meant to attend together. The first he suggested " lets go seperately" but we still ended up going after I apologised. The second one he didn't take me because he "didn't want to keep up appearances". We argued before our 2 year anniversary and didnt celebrate then D&D'd me on my Birthday. Doesn't want to express emotions, be intimate, spend too much money, AND uses your hurt reactions to these as perfect d&d moments. Mine was cerebral too, I think they're the most Twisted kind. p.s.USED your ex might be using OW for money which is why he has to buy gifts for her. Bet they're still thoughtless and empty though!

#8 Dec 22 - 3AM (Reply to #12)

virginia (not verified)

Thank you for confirming....

I guess they create problems, get you upset and blame you. That way, they can have an excuse to ditch you and distance the relationship when things are feeling a little to nice and close. They monitor which way the scales of the relationship are heading and when they get unconfortable, they create distance...You said it, they use your hurt feelings against you and ditch you. They victimize the victim..

#9 Dec 21 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

Used

femmegem

LOL...THE STORY WAS BASED ON MY NEPHEW... I GOT LOTS FROM THE NARC....WHICH I POSTED BACK WHEN I DUMPED HIM... HIS OW OF 3 YEARS GOT A GREETINGS CARD, AND THAT WAS TO SAY SORRY TO HER.....NO CHANGE THERE!!!!!

#10 Dec 21 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

virginia (not verified)

Thank you for your response...an added note

My Cerebral N was so Monogamous and lacking desire. He was an engineer and they are wired differently too..Yuck...He was cheap with me the whole 27 months. I did feel like he didn't want to spend very much time, let alone share emotionally driven holidays with me..scared that we would get more attached. He would create closeness and then every month no kidding create drama and break up. Yes, we broke up every 2-3 wks...It is crazy...N's victimize the victim all of the time. I don't see myself as a victim, but a very insightful woman who figured him out, but that is their pattern of intention and thought. I don't want to pour my goodness into a bucket with a huge hole in the bottom anymore...I am done with him...To protect myself from N's in the future, I learned to be more private, not as honest and open with people until I get to know them better. Otherwise, we are prey for the preditor...More boundaries for me from now on... Thanks again and you take care too.

#11 Dec 21 - 11AM

Hunter

Virginia, First.. Welcome to

Virginia, First.. Welcome to Narcville.. Narcs freak out about commitment .. If they get too close they pull away.. They pull away because they have abondament issues.. They dump and run to avoid being hurt.. Too close, love, commitment ,too scary. It's hurt, before they get hurt.. Bottom line it's abusive unfixable behavior.. Run don't walk.. Lisa book is available .. The six steps work if you do the work Hunter

#12 Dec 21 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

virginia (not verified)

Hunter...you confirmed what I have felt

Hunter, Thank you for confirming exactly what I have suspected. I have told my boyfriend, for the last year, that he creates conflict on purpose and that the fight becomes an excuse to blame me and then to withdraw from me for weeks. Of course, he blames me for everything. I see through it all. I told my boyfriend how he creates distance because he fears intimacy and commitment. He tells me, "that isn't true because I have lived with other women for years in the past." I reply, "you have had these patterns and problems with all the OW. You didn't just start this 2 yrs. ago when we met. You broke up with all the OW as you always found fault with them as an excuse to avoid emotional attachment and that is why you spent most of your life being single...He is 64 next month...They are so hard wired in the wrong way that it is impossible to have even a friendship with them...The holiday breakups I guess signify even closer intimacy and they freak out...Thanks for confirming this...

#13 Dec 21 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Hunter

A quote from my wonderful

A quote from my wonderful Father.. He makes me smile.. "64 and still a dope" Hunter

#14 Dec 21 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

virginia (not verified)

Yep...that says it all...N's lack...

My "N" was literally a genius in IQ, but a 2 yr. old in emotional intelligence. At 64, that wont change!!

#15 Dec 21 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

Hunter

Genius?. Yeah, what good is

Genius?. Yeah, what good is it? Narc # 1 would tell me " I speak seven languages" I'd say " seven languages? Good for you.. What good is it? You have no money, no job, no nothing. " Liars, users, and losers.. Hunter

#16 Dec 21 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

virginia (not verified)

My N had all the success materially, but lacked relationships

He is alone and single making the big $$$, but lonely and feeling like he never gets enough attention from his adult children, his partner "me" (ex-partner now), etc. He never has enough money and never enough attention...How sad...I would rather be broke and be at peace with myself, and my relationships. I am happy, even when I lose everything..So, yes, "what is good?" He is not happy that is evident. Sad, sad, sad. They don't like for their partners to be happy. They see that as a threat to them because when the partner is strong with good self esteem the N can't have their manipulative way with you...I enjoy your feedback Hunter... Virginia

#17 Dec 21 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

Femmegem

Book

I've Just ordered the book too!

#18 Dec 21 - 11AM

Used

virginia

I BELIEVE THE ANSWER IS YES..... I JUST DON'T THINK HE WAS BOTHERED ABOUT HAVING TO EXPRESS FEELINGS... I knew someone like this, without fail he would drop his girlfriends, before any event , then go back with the after.... when I asked why He said so I dont have to buy presents and cards.....funny thing is HE IS MARRIED NOW, AND DOES ALL THOSE THINGS, GIFTS , CARD THE WHOLE 9 YARDS... IVE NEVER ASKED HIM, WHY?

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