Breaking NC: Hard lesson learned

I fell for it, and I take full responsibility. After blocking all avenues for the N to contact me, he mailed me an apology card. He only signed his name and let Hallmark say the rest: "Something went wrong. I'm pretty sure it was me. I'm sorry." I was fine and thought about it for a couple of days.

Then I unblocked him on my phone and texted him that I had received the card. After back and forth small talk, he told me he missed his friend. I told him you don't treat a friend like they are disposable, and that's how you treated me. He said I was right and he was sorry.

He followed this text a few hours later with "For the record, you're the one who said you didn't think we could be friends and that's just silly."

The next day he texted something small and then...the silent treatment, AGAIN. I was tired of the texting bs and wanted to have a final conversation on the phone for closure. He wanted me to rearrange MY schedule to talk to him. We ended up on agreeing on my day off to accomodate him.

I immediately started having anxiety and losing sleeep with worry over what he would say, knowing I could be hurt even worse. I sent him a quick text yesterday asking about his business (both of us have medical practices.) He had a curt reply followed with "Have a nice day" which was his trademark dismissal.

I just froze. What the hell was I doing? Why was I hurting myself? I texted him back: "I can't talk to you Monday. I truly wish you the best." He is now re-blocked on my phone.

So in ONE WEEK, I had a cycle of 2 days of constant texting, 4 days of silent treatment, and then I cut it off. Wash, rinse, repeat.

It's disappointing given my progress. However, I'm not at ground zero either. One of my close friends encouraged me to look at how far I have come, and that he had NOTHING to do with it. My retired therapist, who went through everything with me, said I chose to take care of myself. She said grief passes, his abuse will not.

I didn't want him to be this person. I wanted him to prove me wrong. And I screwed up, I own that. His emotional abuse is subtle but effective with me. This time, I paid attention to what my reactions to him were and chose to take care of ME.

They don't change but fortunately, we do.