Breaking down

Hello a friends!

Two-three nights ago, the pain got so bad for me. I couldn't sleep. The next day, I sent him an e-mail via work. I only sent him 2 lines. No "I miss yous.". I was able to recall the message. The way our system works if the other party has not read it yet, you can recall the message, however, it will still send them an e-mail that the message has been recalled.

I know I broke NC. I feel bad because I feel like I let you guys down. I know the only way to heal is to go NC but the pain got so bad for me and I did what I shouldn't have done by going to the source of my pain. I am really sorry. I just feel like I can never get out of this pain. I worked so hard to move forward, doing everything to climb out of this hell hole. I feel like I can't get past this. I've had good days and bad days. I think after reaching my 30 day NC, the reality of me not ever contacting him and the N moving forward has really hit me hard. It's grieving all over again---the depression and the heartache. The sadder I felt, the harder I tried to remain NC. I read and read. I worked out and went out with friends. The days were just getting harder and harder to maintain NC.

My blocks are still in place. I also want to apologize to everybody here who has been rooting for my recovery and trying to pull me out of this misery. It really feels like I am in the depths of hell and can't climb out. I wish I can just flip a switch in my mind and my perspective changes. Even though I wasn't happy with my previous relationship prior to the N, I was basically content with my life.

To be in HELL is really HELL!