Break up threats....

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#1 Mar 23 - 8PM
sarah787
sarah787's picture

Break up threats....

I know a long time ago someone posted about the infamous break up threats, but I'd love to hear more stories.

My narc use to ALWAYS threaten or break up with me. I had to beg, literally get on my knees, and plead for him not to end it. It would usually be over my lack of trust for him, or me being angry. So I guess his threats weren't over like folding clothes the wrong way, but they happened ALL THE TIME. I was so scared he would always end the relationship. The longest he'd ever follow through with a break up was 1-2 weeks, until the final one last year.

He would tell me I was "ruining his life," and "I was crazy and dramatic," I would cry for hours in front of him until he forgave me, I made sorry boxes, I promised to see a therapist, I would buy him things, REALLY!?!

Ugh.

Mar 25 - 8PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Threats on both sides

The ex-Psych professor said he'd abandon me if I told other people how he treated me... how ironic the final D&D was so PUBLIC. In front of everybody. Not something behind closed doors. This threat was made early on. I threatened him that if I found out he already had a girlfriend, I'd leave him... and yes, I was a woman of my word.
Mar 25 - 2PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

The narc watches you and

The narc watches you and learns what fears you have and how to press youre buttons and he learnt that if he threates the relationship he will get tons of supply and that makes him feel like a king . Its as basic as that . Sarah he has proved over and over that he aint going anywhere , he isnt leaving but he is incaperble of love and thats youre choise to make , you can either keep playing the sick game with this very troubled disordered person or you can go NC , HE wont change , he can not change . We all have fallen for the "i love you i cant live with out you "act after they D&D us , they do come back only to do the same thing again . It is us that has to break the cycle never expect the narc to break it as , like i said before, it makes him feel like a king and he isnt going to give that feeling up in a hurry , its golden supply for him .. xx
Mar 26 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Ditto to what Scoop said

The only thing I might add here is that there is nothing more distasteful to any man PD or not than a woman who begs. Makes you look weak and easy to control and manipulate. Sure, they like that they can manipulate you so easily, however, the begging causes most any man to lose respect for you. Men like the hunt, they like what does not come easily to them and when you grovel, it make you look like you do not value yourself. A major part of our addiction to these men stems from low self esteem for some of us and that is what needs to be worked on not them. As many have said on here, we cannot change anyone but ourselves. Sarah, if you do not improve your self image and esteem this will happen with all of your relationships not just this one. NO MAN is worth this and especially not this one. He is feeding your insecurities BIG TIME and until you stop, he will keep right on going. What does he have to lose, he has a girl at his beck and call, why not take advantage of that is most likely the way he views this situation. The only way to stop or improve this situation FOR YOU; SCREW HIM, cuz he does not treat you right, is to stop giving in to his childish demands and YOU take control of the situation and say: NO NO NO!! I am not your doormatt, I am not your plaything, and I am not your priority so: get lost!!! I deserve better than this and I am going to hold out for better than this because I am special and I don't want this insanity in my life anymore. Positive affirmations. Improve your self esteem and he will no longer be a priority to YOU. This is easier said than done, however, until you learn to put yourself and your needs first, he is going to keep on abusing you, because you are the one who is allowing this. What can we do to help you to feel better about yourself? What can you do to make you feel better about you? Are you still in therapy? This is the key, not him. I might suggest to you that you tell yourself 100 times a day if you need to that: I am worthy of a healthy relationship. I deserve better than this treatment. I am a good, loving, generous person who deserves to be treated the same way. I will beg no one to love me. I will accept only people into my life who treat me with respect. God loves me, the woman on this site love me, my family loves me, I love me, and that is enough for today. And say whatever other ones make you feel good about yourself. Write them down and read them when you get tempted. You need to retrain your brain into believing that you are worthy of a better life than the one you are having with him. He is not available to you in a loving way and will bring you nothing but unhappiness, pain, and self doubt. Enough is enough Sarah, the ball is in your court. This needs to end. We are here for you as a sounding board and support. Yet, we are not there. I would highly suggest to you that you enroll the help of a good therapist, a doctor, your family and friends if they are supportive and get yourself some help in getting out of this unhealthy relationship with this abusive man. There does not appear to be any indication that anything is any better than when you first started telling us about it months ago. He is not going to change, no matter what you do or say. This is a no win situation. Put Sarah first today. God bless, Goldie
Mar 26 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

Luv your answer

Luv your answer

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Mar 25 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

The first time my narc did

The first time my narc did this to me I was in my 20's This time I cried to him once ,he said the most fucked up BS, I couldn't believe it! "I'm trying to change him", I'm insecure, and he blamed me for bad behavior, tried to make things my fault! I caught onto this quickly, maybe because round one came full circle! I told him "from this day forward you've done this to me twice,are you proud of yourself? I will never speak to you again" I havent spoken to him since and I won't, let me tell you, I have gotten the silent treatment since that day! He's such a "Man" in control! Whatever. I'm 43 yrs old, I've had to fend for myself my whole life ,and no one is going to belittle me! To all of you, you have the power be in control of you, even if it's hard! Idealk
Mar 25 - 2PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

sara787

Yes, mine would break up with me for my jealousy of catching him talking to ex-girlfriends, flirting, on dating sites. Oh jesus, the things I've put up with and the self blame I took on when told me over and over again taht I was insecure and it's because my ex left me after 11 years and was gay. He would tell me that more times than I can count and it's call BRAINWASHING!!! He brainwashed and f-cked up my head! He would do these things to me and call me insecure for it and I would beg for him back. I've finally gotten away from this tug of war game and I'm not going back to that crazy life. He made me very insecure and crushed my self esteem. I am doing everything possible to move on and feel better. I hope you do the same.
Mar 25 - 6AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

For sarah 787

mine once said if you do not pick up all the hairs in the bathtub, after I showered, then maybe you shouldn't come over anymore, sort of an indirect threat and I got all nervous and ANXIOUS, very, that he would leave me,like a little child.The only time I did cry because I was not sure of my future and was staying with him for a while, he came over to me and told me to be happy i had a roof over my head and food on the table, did not even hug me or say anything caring, he was really shut down emotionally except for anger, rage and fear, that is all he knew.i was like a scared little girt around him, always walking on eggshells for I never knew when he would explode and over what, always something so minor and trivial,, like a few strands of hair still left in the tub, WOW, that is grounds for WW III!!!!!!!
Mar 25 - 5AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Mine Exactly

Within 4 months of our marriage, my N started demanding a divorce about one time a month. After 2 years of marriage, he ramped up to 2x a month. The drama would last about 3 days. Then it would end. Anything would trigger it. I would weep, be fearful. It ruined my life. It would all be my fault. I had serious abandonment issues premised upon childhood trauma. After two years of this, I got fed up. Exactly two years ago this March, my N went through the same threats. I said, "Yes." Go to your business trip, when you get back, we will discuss the divorce. At first he agreed, but then later when he realized I was sleeping in the other room he freaked out. When he came back after a week, I told him that I meant it--we are getting a divorce. Then the real threater started. When I said, you have asked me for a divorce 24-34 times since we were married. 33% of our marriage you were not talking to me, I kept track of the silent treatment days in a diary. He told me he didn't mean it when he said he wanted a divorce. And, I was so negative to keep track of the days when he denied (gaslighting) being so unhappy that he could not interact with me for 33% of our marriage. (But he did accept food I cooked & the laundry I washed & ironed.) Then the guilt trips he laid upon me for "abandoning" him (given his sensitivities about abandonment) & the marriage. And, I was abusive to him. After I left, I found his first ex-wife, he did the same thing to her--for 20 years. Always leaving, always wanting a divorce. When she finally threw him out, he freaked. (He told me that he left her! I believe the ex-wife, not him.) But, I met the woman who replaced me. He never threatened her with this because she was busy. And, she was already trying to terminate the relationship about three months in. So he was less in control with her than with me. So, it sounds like your's & mine were quite similar. I seem to remember being touched by your story. I think your's & mine were a lot alike. I think they like destabilizing the woman by threatening to leave. I think they like the "control." When I would weep & beg, my N would have a really EVIL look in his eye. I shudder when I think of it. Once I got over my fear of abandonment, and became more fearful of him & his malignancy, I saw him for what he was--a manipulative & sadistic & pathetic bast**d!
Mar 23 - 9PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Sarah

I'm sorry that happened to you! We were both married when my narc found me online. His wife left him, and he used that, to break the ice. He used that to elicit my sympathies. He also used the fact that I was married as a means to play push/pull games, and keep me at arm's length. It was great, for his self-esteem. I think he felt safe knowing he never had to actually follow through. Until I started asking questions, of course, and holding him responsible for his actions. When I started trying to make sense of what he was doing, the D & D began. I guess, the closest thing to threats of breaking up, would come in the form of his silent treatments. He'd always turn up, weeks later, excited to tell me all about the great stuff he experienced. It was like a slap in the face. But when he'd show up again, I was just happy to hear from him, and to know he hadn't died! Silly bitch, I was. Edit: Wait! I forgot. There was one time, where he asked if I needed a "break." Which was weird, as we were never actually a couple. I think he'd blurt out certain things, just to test me to see what I felt, without directly asking. It was manipulative. Just strange stuff, all around.