Brave Little Girl

6 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 16 - 11PM

grossot

Brave Little Girl

I have a seven year old daughter with N. I've been a member of this forum for over 2 yrs but inactive for about a year. I've been well over all but I still find it healing to post and read and recognize Ns are sick.....not us!
Anyway, I wanted to share something that has been bothering me that happened recently.
My daughter and I went on a short vacation during my court awarded one uninterrupted week per summer with her this past week. We went with my BF of several months whom she and I both trust. We all had a wonderful time during the vacation, laughing and being carefree. At the end of the vacation we were to take my daughter directly to her dad at 8 o'clock on Friday night. During the 3 hour drive home, my daughter (D) became increasingly anxious, stating she did not want to go see her N father, why did she have to go, how long did she have to be with him? Why can't she just stay with Mommy?
She normally does not act like this and I just chalk it up to the fact that the pattern of custody had been changed up (she was with me for a whole week) and I reassured her that she would have fun at her dad's like she always does. I wanted her to know that I would be just fine while she was with him for a couple of days, just like normal. She became more and more nervous, the closer we got. She hugged her teddy bear and held her blanket tighter and (well, you just know when your child is nervous).
But guess what? As soon as we got to our destination to meet N.....D put on a brave face, gave me a hug but would NOT look me in the eye, told BF good bye hesitantly as though saying good bye to a drill instructor, with her head down, then I saw her put on the bravest face I've ever seen...like putting on armor....I could just see it....she took Ns hand and walked off with him like a little robot.....ready to do as he commands.

I know how she feels....she is under his spell. Under his control. He says nothing....she just knows. Around N, he is king, you are always to be in a good mood around him, you are always to make him feel exceptional.....she is to make him feel like he's an amazing father.....just as I was to make him feel like he was an amazing husband. Nevermind the fact that he should not have to do anything to earn these titles.

Has anyone ever seen this kind of mask on their child(ren)? It worries me.....I know I just need to reassure her that everything is fine and listen to her concerns, validate her. I'm also seeing her timidity as she is in school now. Around other kids, she seems to be backing down more than she used to.....not sticking up for herself. Any thoughts?

#2 Aug 17 - 8AM

grossot

Thank you everyone

Very enlightening. You've all encouraged me. I don't feel the gut feeling that she is being physically abused....believe me.....I went down that road before and exhausted more than all my resources trying to get her away from him so she would be safe. Had therapists....judges....lawyers....guardian at litems....the whole bit. No one saw a reason for her to be without her father. The truth is its difficult to prove psychological abuse until it's too late and, Frankly, the court system doesn't have time for that nonsense (that's what I took away from my experience). So in the mean time....I am court ordered to allow her father to see her 50% of the time. There's nothing more I can do about that but pray. I think I will look up some resources for building a child's self esteem and just really work hard on that. I see a lot of myself in her. We tend to back down when faced with a challenge....I don't want that for her....for either of us....perhaps I should take another look at myself so that I can show her its healthy to stick up for yourself....it doesn't necessarily mean you are arrogant or over-confident. I just want her to be proactive and have resources but I can't come out and say, "so yeah, your father has a personality disorder." She needs to see it for herself...I think she sees it but it's too much for a 7 yr old to wrap her mind around. She has a good therapist.... who says my D is in survivor mode....she's just doing what she needs to do to be fed, clothed and "loved" by him. So I want to create a world where she is safe and free and able to play without consequence. Yesterday I had to take her to the ER for an ear ache. I emailed N to tell him exactly what happened and what the DR suggested.....he wrote back...."thanks for the update" so I know he got it. Last night I had her call him to return a message. She got his voice mail and told him all about her experience in the ER (it was big stuff for her). He called back 10 minutes later telling her all about him, what he was planning and doing and how his day was. NOT ONE TIME did he ask her how her ear was. NOT ONCE! She never mentioned it to him again. Just let him go on and on about himself. She has surpassed him on the maturity scale. Thanks for all the advice.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#3 Aug 17 - 7AM

Qing Yuan

I have a child with a

I have a child with a narcissist. So I know how you feel. I don’t know how much of it is your child’s genuine fear of him or just the uncomfortable feeling of being with the ‘unsafe’ parent.?? I guess it’s hard to say from this what your reaction should be. Perhaps not allowing her to see her father would also be the wrong thing. My ex husband was (still is) a pig to me, but to his son he is obviously not such a vile person. My son loves him... my son emulates him though too which is not good.  However I think my son would hate me (now and more later) for stopping him from seeing him; so at this time I see no grounds to go that way. This is something only you and your daughter know. We can all tell you what you think and how to deal with it but ultimately you know in your heart.... Is this man dangerous to your child? Probably my ex narc husband is dangerous for my son (emotionally mentally not physically) and yet at this time I can say it’s so dangerous that he will be irreparably damaged. Maybe I am wrong??? He was a good father for the most part, changing nappies, helping with his care over the years, paying for his school etc... the worst part perhaps he was very childish, taking too many risks when they play outside, climbing trees and not seeing consequences of risk taking. My son was hurt a lot because he was so lazy about supporting him when we he was learning to walk, run and climb etc.. I hated that but I had to grin and bare it. You have to ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen. My son saw us arguing which pretty bad emotionally. I hate that about out broken marriage.. What did resonate with me is the part where you wrote “Around N, he is king, you are always to be in a good mood around him” Oh wow, they really are truly pathological text book aren’t they... ? This is the mental anguish, the fear, the eggshell walking, the tip toeing around him part.. I know this mode of thinking and feeling very well. Most of here, do also... And we all here, know that PTSD and adrenal fatigue are the symptoms of being ‘trapped’ in this mode. I was strung out living with the narc because of this... That is what I would say you need to be aware of. Does this man harm your child’s health. It can be very draining and energetically depleting to be always in state of ‘fear’ in a kind of paralyzed reality where you suppress your real feelings or emotions to keep the narc happy. You become exhausted through the constant internal battle you have with self to be ‘authentic’ which we keep hidden, (very unhealthy) and the external battles you have with the narc to be the ‘demure, unspeaking, agreeable’ act he desires you to be... AND we all know that we cannot and have no ability to be the ‘ideal, the perfection’ that the narc’s desires. My god he isn’t truly happy or satisfied with himself he certainly begins to find fault in others. After a while, no matter what you do or try to be, you do say the wrong thing or you do , do the wrong thing... every word you breathe or movement you make becomes an ‘error’ to him and he will let you know. SO with this in mind, I guess you have to weight up how much this ‘pretending’ behavior is bad for child’s well being. And more over what does suppressing your true feelings ‘teach’ a child about life. I was like this with my father and now I seem to be only attracted to narc men who are like him. So I guess you have to work out what the real impact is before you decide if their relationship is beneficial to her not. My son, at this time, he is 4 years old, still very much loves his father’s company. But I shall be keeping a close eye on that because I want my son to respect me and be a kind man and if I feel that their relationship was to become the detriment of my child’s normal emotional development then I would have to change things. Good luck with this. It sounds like you have come very far. I hope that you find an answer to this.. x

#4 Aug 17 - 4AM

Used

grossot

this is more than a child not wanting to be with her dad...YOU HAVE TO BE VIGALANT.......I DONT LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS AT ALL. I HAVE TO SAY I WOULDNT HAVE LEFT HER THERE AT ALL....LITTLE GIRLS SHOULDNT HAVE TO BE PUTTING ON BRAVE FACES...THEY SHOULD BE PLEASED TO SEE THEIR DAD...IF THEY ARE ANXIOUS AND CUDDLING TEDDY ,THEY ARE AFRAID....SO THEY SHOULD BE TAKEN AWAY FROM THE SITUATION.. THERE WAS A SIMILAIR STORY HERE...THE CHILD BEGAN SCREAMING AS HE WAS DROPPED OFF ....HE WAS BIEGN ABUSED, THIS CAME TO LIGHT AFTER THE MOTHER AND HER BOYFRIEND HAD KILLED HIM......PLEASE BE AWARE....AND I NO APOLOGY FOR SHOCK TACTICS.....IF YOU GOOGLE.[.BABY P IN UK] YOU WILL GET THE PICTURE...IF A CHILD ACTS UP THEY ARE DOING IT FOR A REASON...

#5 Aug 17 - 12AM

sara-smile

grosset

That just breaks my heart. Dealing with all of this as an adult is so hard and I can't imagine what dealing with it as a 7 year old is like. I don't have kids with my Narc so I'm sorry that I have no advice to give you. :( All I know is just keep reassuring her and make sure she understands she can talk to you about anything. I always worry about my Narcs children. He uses them as a prop to show the world how wonderful he is as a daddy. It makes me sick. I will say a prayer for your daughter. Please keep us updated. Sara

#6 Aug 16 - 11PM

58 and going strong

Grossot, sounds like

Grossot, sounds like something is very, very wrong. A brave little girl has different body language than you describe. Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin#p/u/140/YjjGJ3tm4Xk Then follow your gut feelings, and maybe consider finding a therapist for your daughter. If you don't know where to find one where you live, ask child protection services. Or contact me in PM. She will do anything you tell her to do, as she cannot afford to lose you too. And that is likely one of her big fears right now. Children, especially at that age, tend to perceive themselves as the reason for the parents' separation - that they were not good enough, and therefore one of the parents left. I'm sure you don't want her to follow the path you and I were given. So find a way for her to regain her feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. Help her understand that it's not her fault at all. You and your little girl are in my thoughts tonight.

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