This is my first post ever regarding my former relationship with a NPD woman, who I loved with all my heart, and unfortunately still do. I have read many postings about NPD, and it is clear that she fits most of the criteria. We were very happy 90% of the time, with the other 10% being just terrible, resulting is her melting down, saying the worst, most hurtful and disrespectful things to me, and breaking up with me numerous times. During our 5 years together, this probably happened, to varying degrees, maybe 10 times, all of which sent me reeling, and of course, since we really did love each other (or so I thought) we got back together, with one or the other getting in contact and getting together for a drink to talk. Home for some incredible make-up sex, and we were back, for another few months until she had her next melt down.
We lived in xx, but I had been working in xxxxx on (our) film project. As anyone knows, getting a film made is impossibly difficult, yet I am on the verge of getting picked up by a major production company. She felt that it wasn’t moving along a fast as she thought it should, and that she was back home, carrying the load on her own for no good reason. As I was driving back to xxxxx, 2 days after spending Christmas together with her and the family, she broke up with me via email, and one phone call. Zip, just like that. After 5 years, she cut me off cleanly and without the smallest amount of feeling, and as I subsequently found out, immediately took up with a guy at her small office. Since we had done this before, and she had thanked me for not overreacting, I figured it was just a matter of time before we fixed it, but now there was another guy involved. It has been nine months now.
As I look back at this, I realize how her actions fit the NPD archetype. She never seemed to be satisfied with my hair, my clothes, made me wear contacts, wanted me to lose weight (yeah, I needed to lose 20. Now I’ve lost 30 and look like a million bucks), wanted me to have a different job and many things I can’t recall right now. She was never interested in my interests, yet demanded that I be interested in hers. She had only one friend (who she completely cut off, as well, not long before she dumped me). She thought she was very great looking, and was convicted that her opinions were all important. Silly, accommodating me just played into it, as most of the time, we were very connected and happy, and I don’t sweat the small stuff. I’ll never know why I ignored the red flags and allowed myself to be treated in such a way.
Much to the dismay of my close friends, who all think that she did me a favor and never understood why I would allow someone to treat me like that, it has been absolutely hell, trying to move on. I still miss her every day, constantly run conversations with her in my mind, and try to guess what she is doing at a given moment (which just leads to porno films in my mind), and still feeling that there is a 50/50 chance that we haven’t seen the last of each other and I know she’ll be back. I KNOW that this is crazy thinking. I KNOW that she is a NPD person, yet I still see only the sweet girl, and not the evil girl. Short of a couple of BS emails months ago, there has been no contact at all, from her or me. That has been a huge struggle for me, and I think if there wasn’t another guy (who I know has received his ration of shit from her, as she is who she is) involved, I would have gotten in touch. My friends have kept me strong, in this regard, and she has absolutely NO idea what I am doing, except that I have broken my pattern of getting back in touch to fix things. She has followed her pattern of casually jumping from one guy to the next over the years. I know, especially when the press releases go out about my film, she will know that the thing that we both worked so hard on and had so many dreams tied up in is happening without her, I will hear from her. What then?? Maybe she has found the guy of her dreams, is blissfully happy, is transformed and I will never hear from her again.
I have only begun to understand that there are Post Traumatic Stress Disorders associated with this sort of thing. Maybe that explains why I’m still feeling like I’m feeling. Yes, I look fine, put one step in front of the other, and am still making great progress with my film, yet at any give time I am subject to waves of grief and continued heartbreak. My questions are: Why would I ever allow her into my life again? Why do I only see the sweet girl, and not the evil girl? Why would I ever consider being with her again with her having slept with another guy? Why is it so crystal clear to my friends that she is toxic to me, yet that isn’t clear to me at all? WHY can’t I just let her go and look to the very bright future that is approaching? Are these just the symptoms of PTSD that are manifesting themselves in my subconscious?
God has been sending me the notion of living in the “now”. I can do nothing about the past, and the future will take care of itself, as long as I make sound decisions, so enjoy and utilize this time away from her in the best way possible. I am trying to do that.
If you have any thoughts regarding this, I would be very grateful…