On Boundaries
On Boundaries
I`ve been thinking a lot about boundaries since my jousting contest with the lady narc. recently and come to some interesting conclusions.
One thing I`ve concluded is that actually my boundaries have always been pretty healthy in the sense that I always felt when they were being violated. I just didn`t know that that is what I was feeling.
Something else that has struck me, however, is that is not enough to recognize that your boundaries are being violated, you have to ACT. To those of us whose boundaries were violated when we were children, this is virtually impossible, because we never learned a coping strategy to deal with boundary violation. Or rather, we did, but we learned the wrong one. We learned to put up with it. N.C. is not an option when you`re a child.
So boundary violation sends us right back to being an impotent child again. Unable to act, we can only suffer. And instead of packing up our things and going off into the wide, wide world, we ask ourselves, "Why`s he so mean? I didn`t do anything wrong. Maybe if I ....... then he`ll....".
We try and fix it, instead of quitting. And by doing so, we acquiesce to further boundary violation.
Boundary violation is soul-rape. That`s why it feels so awful.
As children, we had no choice. As adults, we do.
If I look back at my time with Wottaprick, I can see that there was one point at which, if I`d acted on his boundary violation instead of just threatening to, I`d have saved myself a lot of time, heartache and money. I should have refused to move in with him when he D&D`d me three weeks before I was due to move in with him. I even thought about it, practically it would have been possible to stay in my old flat and just unpack everything again, but I just felt too weak, and too hooked, to cope with the consequences of taking that action. So I instead I had to cope with the consequences of taking the action I DID take, which was to move in with him, put up with increasing abuse over the following ten months and then move out again, by which time I was feeling ten times weaker.
I don`t know about anyone else, but I`m zero tolerance from now on as far as boundary violation is concerned, and you should just SEE the difference in my four sons. I haven`t had to yell at them for months.
Yup, zero tolerance from me from now on.
Love
Tigerlily
i needed to read this...thank
Amazing analysis!
Winter, I can`t really relate to this.
I can relate to this too, Tigerlily
I like this.. You are now
Thanks Hun - ter!
LOL!
Good thoughts. I've also
Well, it`s only my personal take
also....
Child supp
We already have separate bank
same boat