at bottom

i really am at bottom today
i am starting to believe that there is nothing wrong with him and that i have borderline personality disorder as he and his mother have claimed.
he left three years ago , we have been divorced since august but i cannot let go of him.
this week he was supposed to take our children on a weeks vacation to florida .
he refused to give me info until they were 20 minutes away from bording the plane.
turns out he was playing gigs, and taking the girlfriend.
last night i watched online as he and his gorgeous and young ( she is 12 years younger) girlfriend sang together on stage.
it isnt even jealousy it it like a ten ton wieght was dropped on the empire state building onto my heart.
i must be crazy ! he must be wonderful if he has moved on to find a better choice for him.
and if she is better for him how can she not be better for our kids.
he never would have thought in 12 years to take me on a trip like this , so obviously she is worthy on a whole other level.
i just need someone to be straight with me and tell me .... you are nuts, you are jealous and clingy and desperate and he is just a good guy trying to get on with his life.
i fear it is time to check myself in