Born Free

Where I started: The chapter that lead me to NC and the forum

After too many round about discussions and endless lies from my N, I decided I needed answers to many, many questions. I had ignored my instincts for far too long and felt as though I was loosing my mind, as my n so kindly and often implied was happening.

Once I made up my mind, I picked up the phone and called her at work. I almost hung up but I heard her say hello. I introduced myself and she couldn't have been more pleasant.

She was polite, friendly and genuinely interested in what I had to say. She listened intently with few interruptions. We talked for several hours and she answered all my questions without hesitation. I could tell she was certainly surprised, but definitely not shocked , by my interrogation.

We spoke everyday for the following week and on day four, I believe, she told me she had severed her relationship with him and was not answering his calls or texts nor had any intention of ever doing so again. I knew she was speaking the truth. She had such conviction in her voice, I hadn't a doubt.

I asked her if she would do one more thing for me and meet me in person. She was not comfortable with the idea and said that she had thought she had answered all of my questions. I actually pleaded and she reluctantly agreed to meet me at a restaurant we were both familiar with. I just had to see...

As I suspected, she was attractive, slim and fit, the exact opposite as he had described. Her demeanor was gentle and sincere. We compared notes, revealed more lies and learned that he called us by the same pet name. We actually shared texts he had sent to each of us which were very similar with few or little differences. We discovered he made references to our bodies as if we were one in the same. The list was endless. So after all this time, I finally had the truth that I knew all along.

I sent him a letter telling him his game of playing with people's lives was over. He was nothing but a liar and a con artist. I told him he completely and utterly destroyed me.

I had all this information, finally, but I just couldn't accept it. I was in worse shape than before I learned the truth. I couldn't eat, sleep, think straight; I was barely functioning. A friend from work ( who knows and worked w my n) noticed my struggles and invited me out to lunch. He didn't waste anytime and immediately asked me if everything was ok. I told him the story, at least the story about the OW. He asked me what I knew about narcissists and NPD...

What I learned:

Immediately after lunch I googled narcissist, read article after article, and ordered a few books. I contacted the OW, whom by now, I considered a friend and told her about NPD. We now had even more to talk about and more notes and stories to compare...

I 'm well on my way to having a complete library on NPD and psychopaths. I continue to read and learn something about this disorder daily. I truly understand the sick and disordered mind of the n and recognize they will never, ever change. I know about the luring and securing, the romancing and prancing, supply, the ideal love, the d&d, plus more and how I am the only one who can change the ending to my story.

I learned that I am addicted to him as an addict is to heroin and the only way to free myself is by 100 % adhering to NC. I learned my feelings are all normal and the unfortunate consequence of being in a relationship with a n.

Where I am today:

I am in therapy and am incredibly fortunate my therapist is familiar with both NPD and abuse. She directed me to this forum. I discovered a few weeks ago in therapy something quite serious and disturbing I have repressed for a long time. As painful as this realization is, it partly explains why I am so addicted to my n and hopefully as I continue to address this demon, I will be able to remain in NC.

I feel stronger than I have in such a long time, more hopeful and slowly but surely more confident in myself. Most days I am more relaxed and I certainly don't miss walking on eggshells...

Ok, the hard part to admit. I miss him and long for him. I miss the good times and there were many. I miss being in a relationship. I miss who I thought was my best friend and lover. Now I know he was neither.

Tomorrow he returns from being away for a month. I know he will hoover and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for it. I'm afraid I will fail.
I know he is hemlock; he is poison. I have to and want to remain in NC; I have no choice. I am fighting for me! I want out of his hell and to enjoy the rest of my life. I want to learn to embrace my good qualities and to learn from my errors. I want this chapter to be over and to believe in me.