Borderline or Narc?

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#1 Nov 2 - 6AM

surroundedbythem

Borderline or Narc?

I just dumped my boyfriend of two months (see my story uner Share Your Story)and question whether he is BPD or NPD...
When we first started dating (literally after the first date) he would randomly send me texts asking if I missed him. I found this odd but like many women converted that finding from odd to charming. I think this is at the root of most of my bad relationships. If I went with my gut I wouldn't become involved with these wackos but I so want to be in a loving relationship that I put on my rose colored glasses and do a lot of converting. The relationship went at a Ferrari's pace, by the second date he asked me to be exclusive and referred to me as his girlfriend. Texts came at all hours (3AM texts awoke me that said "I am so in love with you" "I am fantasizing about you") He frequently would stare at me and say "Look at you. MM-MM. So beautiful, so sexy, like a model and all MINE." "You cast a spell on me, I think about you all day, I want to be with you every minute, I want us to grow old together, I want to hold you in my arms forever..." Twice during the relationship he stopped contacting me because something I said made him think I was going to be a challenge to date. He didn't talk to me about it, just stopped contacting me, without any notice. I had to pursue him to find out what I did or said. The first two times we worked it out (read he admitted he misinterpreted) the last time I dumped him before he could dump me- it was inevitable. I will say he was very respectful at the beginning as I was not willing to sleep with him until the 10th date. Once the sex began he would go on for literally over an hour! And twice a night. He is 43 not 23, and I found this odd.
During sex he would keep his eyes open and tell me how sexy and beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me. He was obsessed with my body and my face. Constantly telling me so.He would say "Look at these legs. They are mine. MMMMMM!"After the latest weekend marathon he turned on me. The man who wrote me two love poems, who wanted to see me EVERY day and DID in fact see me nearly every day, the man who risked losing his job by leaving early to be with me, who 24 hours before said I know we were meant to be blew me off because he thought I might be too much of a princess.My therapist said it sounded like borderline personality disorder or narcissism. Any thoughts? Advice?

#2 Nov 3 - 2AM

girlfriday

One main characteristic of

One main characteristic of someone with BPD is to put you so high on a pedestal but when you do even the tiniest thing that isn't perfect or is misconstrued as "offensive," you are knocked off that pedestal and crash into pieces on the floor. It is black and white thinking. But there is definitely overlap with NPD. You don't sound too torn up. More like you're just trying to figure things out. Like Brisies siad, he is just a freak. And now you will know that love-bombing like that is a red flag. I know I will never trust love-bombing ever again. Lesson learned.

#3 Nov 3 - 5AM (Reply to #12)

surroundedbythem

Thanks Girlfriday

It's weird. My therapist kept using the term pedestalizing as I would tell her about my boyfriend from the beginning. She kept saying that I would have nowhere to go but down (off the pedestal). She even suggested he was an N early on. But then she used the term borderline. Then yesterday she backpedaled and said that she couldn't make a diagnosis of a person she never met. I think I need a new shrink! If I don't sound too torn up, you're right. I was for about a day, then was over it. I never believed he was in love with me, I didn't like his pot smoking, his carelessness about work, his driving his car with his knees, his binge eating, lying, clinginess, etc. Thanks for clarifying the borderline/pedestal think. It validates my feelings.

#4 Nov 4 - 2AM (Reply to #13)

girlfriday

You don't need a new shrink.

You don't need a new shrink. She is astute and figured things out early on. They aren't allowed to make a diagnosis without meeting someone. It can be very difficult to discern the difference between various Cluster B personality disorders even when you DO know the person, let alone when you are only hearing things second hand. I say keep your shrink! And congrats for not getting too attached to him! That shows that you have healthy boundaries in place already. Good for you, girl!

#5 Nov 2 - 1PM

Briseis

BPD or NPD

Whatever he is, he is a total freak. BPD and NPD are in the same diagnostic "cluster", and share a lot of traits in common. The super duper intensity and flattery are just a couple. In real life, what he is is a FREAK, by his behavior. Advice? You already did the right thing by ending the relationship. Since you want real love and intimacy, which is impossible with anyone with a personality disorder, you've solved your issue. You mention that you want a relationship so much that you are willing to ignore your gut instinct and "convert" odd behavior into "charming behavior". Boy do I relate with that LOL!! You put that into words SO WELL. That is your part of the issue. Take this new understanding and notice when you do this again. I still do it, but I catch myself somewhere in the process. When you think of it, being "alone" for the wasted time you spent being played by this freakazoid would have been better. You want LOVE and relationship. Not the mimicked, fake flattery and mindf*ck of a guy like this :(

#6 Nov 2 - 1PM

hooklineandsinker

surrounded

Can you bump your story up to the beginning of the list by commenting on it? There's no search facility on this site to find people's stories. I looked for 5 or 6 pages and couldn't find it. Your guy sounds a lot like mine with the loving messages in bulk in the early days.

#7 Nov 2 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

surroundedbythem

Maybe we dated the same guy?

Yeah - he was too good to be true. He wanted to see me EVERY SINGLE DAY. Brought me a red rose every time. Held my hand, stared in adoration, loved me on that pedestal, until I fell. Then came lying and trickery. we had sex and I told him to use a condom. Yes he had it but neglected to put it on and I discovered this after it was too late. Now I rack my brain thinking I may be pregnant or diseased. Nice guy? It hard dealing with the dichotomy of this fawning, loving over the top boyfriend with the guy who went to put his profile back up and contact another woman (he denied it BTW and I have the proof) in literally one hour!!!!! I love you, you are my soulmate/Good-bye! There is no logic here.That's what makes it so hard.

#8 Nov 2 - 7AM

onwithmylife

surrounded by them

I do not know much about borderline personalities but enough about Narcs to write two books and spent 15 years off and on with on until he finally discarded me and moved away. This guy sounds more like a Narc to me, he seemed to have become obsessed with your physical beauty/image and was like using you as a masturbation toy. After you made love to him, how did you feel? I know I often felt like I was an object to my EXN, this was before I even knew he was a narcissist.He always had to be the one to discard me and he even said that to me once, for fear I would abandonment is of SELF,along with many others issues, like paranoia.Be happy you did not spend years with him and you were the one to get out first..also ask yourself how did you feel in his presence? I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, very anxious, constantly having to prove my worth, when I know now i am good just as I am and do not need his validation.He sounded very insecure as well from what you wrote, who knows?

#9 Nov 2 - 7AM (Reply to #2)

surroundedbythem

Thanks

This man could go all night. I found it alarming the amount of time spent on actual intercourse (over an hour) and the constant changing of positions. The staring at first creeped me out. Isn't that unusual to stare during lovemaking? He was very into giving oral but not receiving. He also promised to use protection, had the condoms and I thought he put it on, but didn't claiming he loved the skin to skin contact. He also craved cuddling but I noticed in our last encounter he turned his back to me. He also seemed to require very little sleep. Additionally he needed to smoke weed every day and claimed that he was uninterested in moving up his corporate ladder and often did things to sabotage his career (leaving work early to see me, texting me during meetings"

#10 Nov 2 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

wholeagain

Hmmm...

Kinda wondering if he was using a little somethin' to enhance performance...but in my experience narcs sometimes need a loooot of stimulation to get off, maybe because they've flogged that thing so much over a lifetime? Or because they've watched so much porn they're numb to normal sexual experiences? The ex also required very little sleep btw. I've read that this is a characteristic of narcissism. Not that this is either here nor there now. His not putting on the condom is a big GAME OVER. He likes skin to skin contact so he's willing to override (so to speak) your request and risk your getting pregnant? What a guy! I'm glad you got out. And I agree that converting oddity to charm is a great way of putting what a lot of us did.

#11 Nov 2 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

Nothanx

Sex

Yep, mine would take forever!!!!! I would try every trick I had up my sleeve, but he could not get off during regular sex. Even if I gave him oral, he needed to assist with his own hand! It was all so weird because my first hubby would go crazy for oral and he was the one waiting for me. The narc used to tell me it was my fault because I came too quick and this made him lose interest cuz the thrill would be gone. It usually took me about like 5 min...which I did not think was too quick. This all made me feel like I just did not turn him on....it was so damaging to my self esteem.

#12 Nov 2 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

hooklineandsinker

Yep. mine couldn't get

Yep. mine couldn't get turned on without a BJ, and even with one, he would seem kinda bored. I think they've totally desensitised themselves with porn.

#13 Nov 2 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

surroundedbythem

Not just pregnant

But willing to risk exposing me to countless diseases! I am soooo worried that he might be harboring something and I need to get tested. Here are some more oddities: -he told me that he walked around with my Match profile in a folder to look at my photos while he was at work -he often binged on junk food- ate a box of devil dogs in one day -smoke weed every day -drove with his hands off the steering wheel using his thigh -had only one photo (and it was a xerox) of his two daughters on display in his home

#14 Nov 2 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

anonymous

I Thought You Were Dating My Ex

Based on what you wrote, I thought that perhaps you were dating my ex until your last post about your ex having kids! What you will find is that all of these weird, ineffective, addictive behaviors are common to narcissists. You are not alone in that respect. You'll find so much good information on this board. And what you'll find most of all is the realization that these guys are all the same - they all have the same M.O. with respect to idealization, devaluation and discarding their partners. And the most important things for you to know are 1) that you are in no way responsible for how they act (you did nothing wrong) and 2) they are not at all worthy of your further consideration because they are defective people. Hang in there. This will take a while to understand and get over. But you will.

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