The Boogie Man

I have had an anxiety filled last couple days. It all started last Sunday, November 2nd. It was a year to the day that I let "J" into my life...
The first time we ever spoke on the phone.
The first time I heard him say his name.
The first time I heard him say my name.
The first time we were ever friends on Facebook.
The first time for so many things...
It was his birthday. I wished him a happy birthday on his wall that night....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY indeed!! I presented myself to him like a gift, I was just missing the big red bow stuck to the top of my head!!

I wish I could go back in time and not ever reach out to him. (yes, I found HIM, I thought he was adorable)
I wish I could go back and not ever hear his name, or the sound of his voice. I'd take it all back if I could. But I can't, so I have to try and look forward and hope that someday I will understand why he was brought into my life and allowed to change me as a person, Hopefully I will eventually see a positive change. But for now, I only feel a darkness in my heart and feel that I've been changed only negatively.

1 year ago this very weekend, I fully let him into my life, into my body, my mind and my heart. I wish I could go back in time and warn the woman I was 1 year ago. Would I have listened? I'm not sure, but at least I'd have given myself a fair warning. Because I went in with blind faith and trust in my heart. He stole what innocence I had left. He took so much and left nothing behind but a partial shell of the person I used to be.

I feel empty and more than hopeless. I could have gone my entire life not knowing this man existed. I'd have been fine, MORE than fine. I'd have been GREAT!!!

But I'm not fine.

I drove over 6 hours today. I barely spoke to my mother who was in the car sitting beside me. My mind was utterly consumed with "J" and all that I've been through. The love and tenderness I felt for a man who didn't deserve all that I gave him. He used it all against me in a most hideous and degrading way he possibly could. He used my trust against me. He used my love and faith in him, all of it was used against me. Things that normal human beings cherish from someone, he corrupted and made it all useless.

Will I ever trust another man again? I don't feel that it's possible. I am petrified of new people coming into my life. Do they have an ulterior motive? Are they going to suck out what life I have left inside of me? Probably not, but how do I ever know for sure? I don't trust anyone right now. Not even myself. He took that away from me too, my own trust in myself.

Where do these people hide? In the gutters? The sewers? Under the bed and in dark closets like the Boogie Man? In snake pits? Where rats and spiders live? Where parasites breed? You would think so, but they don't.
They are right out there with the rest of the world. Pretending as if they are one of us. But they're not like us at all. They are perpetrators and frauds, and so many other bad things that my mind won't let me think of!

I feel like emotionally I have relapsed, like an addict. Or maybe I'm finally dealing with things I hadn't yet. All I know is that I'm exhausted. And I wish I could run away from this pain in my heart. It's always there, behind every smile, every time I laugh, or feel some sort of joy... it's always there, lurking.
I want it to all just go away. He doesn't deserve anymore of my energy. I'm so frustrated with myself!!!!!
What do I do? Where do I go to get away? I feel so suffocated by him still, even tho I kicked him out of my life almost 3 months ago!!!!