1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. All About Him Forum
  5. blueworld update

blueworld update

8 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Dec 18 - 11AM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

blueworld update

as some of you who read my postings notice yesterday i was having a really bad day a very good friend of mine
a much older female friend of mine

told me she believes another reason is there are couples loving couples, holding hands, kissing, giving eachother gifts and celebrating their love all over tv right now

she said commercials for jewelerly like kay jewelers and zales are on. they are things we might not pay attention to but she said that it is in overload of it right now

we all know music gets to us, i was in bed bath and beyond yesterday and "unchained melody" started playing and i instantly not, few seconds, instantly started sobbing

and ran out, ex pd narc sang to me for me and around me everyday for three years he left vm like

elton johns sorry seems to be the hardest word
micheal buble lost and home and save the last dance

even in healing and trying to stay protected there are other things affecting us ..me

so i have woken up, with a headache dreamed about him all night
and am fighting thoughts of wondering if i will ever be contacted again because i feel i was never loved by him and that by attempting contact somehow it "shows" me he cared at some point in this whole tangled suffering mess

but then i read reread info here and bring it back to what i saw experienced and documented in my journal
with no labels

and the bottom line is the same
compulsively lied
emotionally cheated(probably physically too)
tantrums , outburts, explosions
violent, grabbing, throwing, choking,kicking,hitting,slapping,biting,grabbing knives, a axe
hurt our two cats and our puppy
always always always no empathy
manipulative
erased texts
is attached to his mothers nipples at age 24
cruel cold silent treatments
cut downs put downs

i can seriously go on and on

this is the facts, without labeling him as anything
then i did research, found this place and tied everything into labels

this is what i had this is what i went through
it isnt me thinking maybe he is maybe he isnt it is me realizing deep down

I ALLOWED THIS

ask me now the next man in my life
do i want the above?
NO
did i learn something here, yes
is it painful to fully understand listening to the things he said that were "loving sweet thoughtful and nice" all the sex, kisses, singing, tears cried together, places we went things we went through, YES

he was my bestfriend
and he told me many times i was his

i never experienced this in my life
realizing i was never loved
that to him right now he actually hates me probably for everything and everything is my fault

poor him, more lies being spread, more negativty

i never have hurt like this in my life
trying to heal, forgive myself for this experience
and deal with the fact because of no contact and no hoovering for me this ended very cruely and very fast

when things are left like this there is alot more aching because after he d&d me on the phone i blew up his phone with all my pain and then sent my email and went nc

i forced a barrier immediatly
i put up castle walls in a moment

and i hurt like hell
to never talk to someone again who has done this is confusing painful and hard to understand
i am only ten weeks out of it
i have been nc since oct 7th and i know in my heart
i will continue nc

but it hurts like hell knowing a man i gave my heart and soul to, never loved me

Dec 18 - 8PM
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

(((Hugs))))

Blueworld, three years of the emotional and physical abuse that you have endured is definitely, definitely, definitely not going to be overcome in a few short months. My time with the N was a mere blip without the physical trauma and the recovery has felt intense. Breathe into the pain and release...your journey is profound but the results will be doubly rewarding. When your stronger posts come through, this is YOU, the YOU that is standing tall and proud -- the survivor. And when you are struggling and calling for help and strength, this is YOU as well FIGHTING and PURGING the toxins the N has poured into your mind and soul all these years. This is good! You are getting them OUT, freeing yourself from them. Your body and mind are saying this isn't right, they don't belong here, and you are in the fight of your life. You're battling the feelings with your words, you're battling them with your forced recollection of the bad moments, you're battling them by re-reading the material and watching the videos, and you're battling them with prayer and crying to release more toxin/pain and with sleep.....glorious, healing sleep. Be especially gentle with yourself knowing you are so sensitive to energy by limiting going to places where there are a lot of people now during the holidays. I am sure you are also feeling the general angst people put out during the holidays, the depression and anxiety which only adds to and fuels our situations. And of course the memory triggers the holidays create to what we want these times to look like with the right man, and how we always hoped that right man was the N and never was nor could he ever be. That man, a true caring man IS in our future and he will be NOTHING like the N. Baby steps Blueworld. We are all here for each other to get through this and we will. This will ease up for us after the New Year and we will have time to get strong again for a month before we face Valentine's day....and then we'll get a really good "commercial/Hallmark-free" breather in for a while to get some really good deep healing in. Sending love, comfort and strength your way. xoxoxo
Dec 18 - 11AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

blueworld

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. Mark Twain Embrace the truth. It will set you free.
Dec 18 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

ruby

i feel like i have fallen way back im so upset today too! and im upset im upset! I HATE HIM
Dec 18 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

blueworld

I hate him too. I hate that he is causing you pain at this very moment. In truth he is not present in this moment. He is physically in your past, which is over and gone. Now you must get rid of the lingering thoughts in your head. You are doing that here with people that care. That's a good thing. You can feel safe right now rather than upset because in this moment you are actually growing stronger and reaffirming that there are genuinely good people in this world. When you think about things he did to you that were disrespectful and mean. Instead of looking at it from your point of view, look at it from how others would view it. They would probably feel sympathetic. I've heard it said that all experiences are neutral. We apply the feelings. Just stay away from him and fill this moment with peace and pride about yourself because you love yourself enough to stop taking his abuse.
Dec 18 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

ruby

i did two smart things broke up with him went nc after he D&d'd on the phone i have a little to be proud of the rest i feel like immense pain in my heart over i know i at least come here and have been nc i believe for ten weeks???? october 7th until now i also hate that i saw all that crap on fb i cant get that out of my mind i am trying hard to convince myself what he did to me he will do to her but it isnt sticking maybe in time
Dec 18 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

blueworld

Please don't underestimate yourself. You have MUCH to be proud of. Ending a relationship with on of these creeps is no small task. Give yourself the credit you deserve. It takes incredible strength, will power, and ultimately belief in your true worth. You have to get past worrying about anything that does not concern you specifically. You have no control over it and frankly, it doesn't involve you, so why allow it to cause you grief? You do have 100% complete control over one person's actions in this world. That would be you. Continue to make the best choices for your future and you will shine! You are truly in a much better position right now than you have been in a long time. Believe it. YOU WILL BE OK!
Dec 18 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
faith_
faith_'s picture

yes, Blue...you are brave to

yes, Blue...you are brave to be doing all this painful work that is good important work, even if it hurts so much. I know what you mean about not being able to listen to those songs. They get you. But keep going, keep moving forward because this is how you will go through it. Be kind to yourself, and patient. Know that you have the strength to keep overcoming...huggs to you.