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Blew it

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#1 Jun 27 - 10AM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Blew it

Feel bloody awful

5 days nc. He sent text ref seeing our children and ended up in a barrage of texts to and from each other with both trying to hurt each other. Then I lost temper with my kids and now feel all over the place and back to square 1

Missing him, blaming myself, hating that he doesn't love me, full of shame and self hatred, feel hopeless, unlovable and a mess.

I hate this so much.

And the worse thing is, I'm sitting here wishing he would call or text again even though I told him not to. What an idiot I am

Jelic

Jun 27 - 10PM
Steph
Steph's picture

You did not blow

You did not blow anything. Dealing with an N and the trauma the relationship caused is hard enough.....but when there is children involved and there HAS to be some contact......it makes it soooooo much more difficult! I can't even imagine. I commend every woman here that has children with one of these freaks. I know how hard it was for me to recover WITHOUT having to be in contact.....can't even begin to imagine what you and others here that have children with them are going through! It makes it sooo much more difficult:( Several ladies here have been where you are and have come out on the other side. You are so early in the recovery process. Be patient and forgiving of yourself. Keep posting and "getting it out". Write your list of his abuse.....and keep re reading it as many times as you need. Journal, post and read read read. Knowledge really is power. Hang in there. You are in great/supportive company here. xoxo, Steph
Jun 27 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Are you expecting perfection? Because we're human...

And that text war was: Him pushing your buttons and you expressing your anger...he knows exactly HOW to push your buttons and MANIPULATE YOU...manipulate...manipulate...that is what they do...especially some from a particular "group"...when they don't work their program...own this and do not beat yourself up! His not loving you...he NEVER did and there was NOTHING you could do about it it is the DISORDER and you've been in an illusion - that is what gets ALL of us...the "How the heck could this not have been real?" "How could he" COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. YOU ARE LOVEABLE but you have to find YOU. This guy will continue to mess with you and you may very well bite. We encouage NC because this is what interacting with them does to us...frustrates us, angers us, drives us insane with their projection. We try to reason, or we expect a human reaction to our expression of feelings and these cats are sadistic and insane and get a charge out of riling us up. They enjoy seeing us in pain...they get a HIGH off of it. Don't beat yourself up and if I may make a suggestion, you don't have to be totally open with your kids, but start talking to them and be real with them so they understand that "right now Mommie isn't right in the head" cause when we first go through this, the reality is WERE NOT!... Hugs! and stick to the forum let it allll out. Dealing with their insanity makes us CRAZY temporarily and the truth when it comes to THEM...you can't reason or rationalize with CRAZY you can no longer expect anything from him... Hugs!
Jun 27 - 11AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

No no no , You didnt blow

No no no , You didnt blow anything , all that happened is you broke NC and lost youre temper .. My goodness if i had a pound for everytime i lost my temper in a text war with my narc i would be a rich woman ! .. What you do is just go NC again .. It gets easyer and if possible limit any communication about the children to email only and make that clear to him .. As for wishing he will call again thats just part of the jorney .. i posted about trauma bonding , look it up also look up Stockholm syndrome ... Be kind you youre self , instead of telling youre self you are unloverble try saying you are loveable ..Big love just get back onto the NC train woo woo (sorry lol) xxxxx
Jun 27 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
spinning
spinning's picture

Jelic, I agree completely

with Scoop and want to add that it is a learning experience along the journey, like she says. Try to focus on the good. You are obviously bright enough and strong enough to have gone five days NC. That's HUGE! You are far from being an "idiot" for having normal, human emotions with someone you lived with, had children with, gave your heart to. This is called HUMAN, and being human with the full range of human emotions is good! It's what God, Mother Nature, Allah, Buddha, the Creator and what-ever-you-believe wants of us! It is what brings your beautiful spirit to the world. Please do not call yourself names. Like Scoop says, turn off the negative dialogue and turn on the positive one. Truly you have good reason to feel good about yourself. This is a process. And you're learning. You will keep learning and will feel better. You will actually feel happy and joyful if you commit to the path forward and to doing the work. We will help you, dear brave Jelic. Dust yourself off and renew your spirit to rid yourself of chaos and confusion. You can do it! Back on the NC train... Love and hugs to you and to all who stop here from (not) spinning. I REFUSE TO. I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION. THE SICK MF'ER TRIED HARD BUT HE CANNOT TAKE ME DOWN!!

spinning

Jun 27 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Thank you so much. I think I

Thank you so much. I think I have mastered not contacting him but I still really struggle with not reacting and responding when he contacts me about the children. I was very distant and to th point but all the games were just below the surface. He has been texting my daughter all afternoon and it's sending e mad. Back on the wagon though. After the texts from him, I really wanted to binge as food can be something I use. I didn't though and that in itself s a step forward. So easy to get into cd and doubt all the evidence Scary Still as the film says...tomorrow's another day. I am back at work fir first day tomorrow. I have had 6 week off sick after finding out about his ow etc etc. Day at a time Thanks again Jelic
Jun 27 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Thank you so much. I think I

Thank you so much. I think I have mastered not contacting him but I still really struggle with not reacting and responding when he contacts me about the children. I was very distant and to th point but all the games were just below the surface. He has been texting my daughter all afternoon and it's sending e mad. Back on the wagon though. After the texts from him, I really wanted to binge as food can be something I use. I didn't though and that in itself s a step forward. So easy to get into cd and doubt all the evidence Scary Still as the film says...tomorrow's another day. I am back at work fir first day tomorrow. I have had 6 week off sick after finding out about his ow etc etc. Day at a time Thanks again Jelic
Jun 27 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

Stay strong!!! The way I

Stay strong!!! The way I kept myself from responding to the hoovering is "He is not going to make me look like the crazy one!" Just keep that in mind as he acts like an idiot!