Blaming myself again
Blaming myself again
Ugh. I just had a conversation with my mother in which I asked her "is it really bad of me to hope that one day, down the line, he will regret what he has done?"
She said "if he made the wrong decision, then he will regret what he has done."
I said "do you think he made the wrong decision?" and she said "yes, I do, but he knew you were unlikely to let things drop and not every man can take that."
This has thrown me in to a state of confusion because with him, I was a lot less nagging and hostile than I have been in my marriage. I became a doormat with him and cut him a lot of slack. When he was a prick and I was in tears and said "you don't seem to care how you have hurt me" he said "why can't you just get over it - I have."
When we had our last date he implied that because we were "analysing" things that had gone wrong wrong and he said "you see this is it, we have spent most of this evening analysing it all and I don't wangt to go forwards looking backwards.."
I read that as - 'forgive me all my sins, let it all go, let's wipe the slate clean, forgive and forget, move on.'
In other words - don't bring me up on my behaviour ever again.
I had actually suggested last October we talk things through to wipe the slate clean and he said "we have tried that and failed several times." He was clearly of the view then that terminal damage had been done and he didn't trust himself not to piss me around again.
So why does this hurt? It is like I feel he was saying"I'm going to be a prick and you hold too much of a grudge."
Ergo, it must by definition be me again for not letting things go - for having a backbone.
He used to describe himself as an "oasis of calm" and it "scared" him the way he lost his temper with me and yet he said he "often lost his rag" with his ex wife and told her to fuck off.
So how come he "knew where he was" with her but with me I was some big scary monster that frightened him? He said "we have a history" in other words, poor me let me lick my wounds some more, you dumped me for being an asshole and you'll do it again, you're not forgiving and forgetting.
Was I right to still be angry? I never felt I was given the right to say what I felt or how truly awful he had been - is that me with the problem for not letting go or was I right to retain my dignity and pride?
Who was at the greater fault? Him for not allowing me time to grieve or me for not letting go and moving on after we "reunited"?
Does that make him sensible or a monumental coward?
Both?
badgerbruno
badgerbruno
badger, I am sorry
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