Is blaming himself a form of NPD and manipulation?

Abusers "get what they want" through various methods.....some are physical, some use verbal abuse, others stick to emotional abuse. They don't ALL use the same tactics to control you or undermine your self worth. I have been with two abusers...one used physical and verbal abuse, and the other used emotional abuse....and he, like yours, didn't call me names on a frequent basis ( just during his rages)...otherwise he was calling me "beautiful" and telling me "i am a good person" etc. BUT....he would dish out backhanded comlplements, use belittling statements disguised as "jokes", maniplated things and turned them back on me etc ... My point is BOTH types of abusers, although they used different methods......BOTH managed to make me feel like shit! Mission accomplished! Your N, may not have called you names and may have complimented you.....but....he lied, cheated, and used the silent treatment and his message behind that is " I don't respect you".....same as if he just called you a name. As far as him "taking the blame".....I don't think he was. He was just trying to gain your sympathy....and wanted you to say "no no, you are a good person and I love you blah blah..."....fishing for you to feel sorry for him. If he genuinely felt that he had issues....he would DO SOMETING ABOUT IT. I'm guessing that he isn't in any sort of therapy to work through his stuff?? Believe his actions or lack of action....NOT his words. Hope this makes sense! xoxo, Steph

I am so sorry you do not deserve this when you told me I could be cruel, it felt like a self fulfilling prophecy I want to make sure that you are OK you deserve so much better I have never felt anything else from you but being loved and wanted It's not about you, you are ( insert here, beautiful intelligent perfect etc...) blah blah blah need I go on? Sound familiar? all bullshit it's not you it's me....that old chestnut....

Good lord this is scary, my ex would say the exact same things, which is why I struggled to wonder whether it was me with the problem. My ex would be a shit and then say "you deserve someone so much better". Or he would twist my words when he had blatantly been an absolute asshole and would make it so that I was the one who had no faith in him or his conduct? As in "I know you have been hurt before but not all men are monsters and I need you to believe in me otherwise we have nothing and we are building our foundations on sand". then wham he would say something dreadful again, only to say "Love me for me, I can only be me and I need you to accept me for whom I am." then he would apologise for his behaviour 6 months down the line....but then deny it at another time! Mine was never outwardly hostile except on very few occasions. For example when he made a disparaging comment about my brother. I called him on it and he said "fuck off" as he walked away before screaming in my face (when I tried to reason with him) "shut the fuck up! just shut the fuck up!! Your problem is you never listen!!". My ex ticked so many of the narc boxes - preoccupied with the way he looked, he used to say "I am better than most people, I am a better man than most others, I know I am better than most" but then he would show crippling insecurity and scathing contempt. He slated his ex girlfriend and his ex wife to me and was extremely jealous of me and my exes. We went to a party very early on in the relationship and a group of us ended up at a club. I only knew him and one other there and the other friend was chatting with mates, but my ex kept disappearing off round the club and abandoning me. I got tired of this and when he resurfaced I gave him the cold shoulder. he cornered me at the bar and said "Don't ignore me. Don't make me go over there and pull one of them" (being a bunch of girls on the dancefloor). I left pretty soon after that and he followed me to the hotel. As we were in the hotel room he came in (drunk) thumped the wall and said "not again!". I felt it best to go to sleep at that point. The following morning, he knew I was upset with him but had no idea why. When I told him he sort of sulked and said "I don't know why I said that." When I pushed him, it was "because I heard some guys talking about you at the bar and they were hoping to pull you and when we went to the club it made me feel inferior because I can't dance" etc etc etc. The one and only time he admitted to that kind of insecurity. but it showed in other ways - but he ALWAYS denied it, despite the pattersn being there. It is crazy making. You know they are being abusive but to tell them so, they always have an amazing excuse like no other. On one occasion (hah! my 'special' Birthday meal) I happened to say that I thought black men had better bodies, more muscular bodies than white men. I am a white female. Now I don't know if he thought I had a thing for black guys, but he spurted out "oh, so you're a racist." WTF??? I said well in that case I'm a racist against Irish as well (being half Irish) because I believe that Irish people have some of the most beautiful skin on the planet. Or maybe I hate all black girls, because I believe they have amazing booties?? Anyway he apologised that night and said "I can understand why you are offended. I would be too. What I said was unforgiveable and I would understand if you never wanted to speak to me again." BUT THEN? He argued and argued over 2 days of emails about how his interpretation of what I had said justified his conduct. All of this, 2 days before my birthday and he was due to fly out of the country for almost a month. Abnd then guess what?? I ended up caving in and agreeing to meet him for a parting farewell!! It boggles the mind the sh*t I took.

mine was very similar...he would often take the blame, ask why I was with him...somehow I'd take all of it though. He would say it wasn't my fault...but then at the end said I had hurt him beyond repair. Was is all manipulation? That's what I go back and forth with.

Are the most skilled manipulators hun...he knows that you know that he knows you know...you will never outsmart a narc, the only thing you might be able to do is outrun them. They are addicted to supply. They sometimes have moments of clarity, they also feign many moments of clarity. He's manipulating you for sympathy - hoping you'll keep on throwing out that life raft of emotional rescue...long enough for him to find better supply. You can't believe a damn thing a narc says. Do they feel empty, yes. Do they feel voids? Yes but when that starts surfacing, the only thing it means to a REAL NARC is you're not filling him anymore so the D&D is coming down the pike, he's gonna start trolling for a "better" high...keep in mind though that when he gets "caught" he'll blame you somehow...

He is not taking blame. He is betting on your compassionate side- I'm such a mess, I need you to fix me. No he needs you for supply. Please, and this goes for everyone- stop reading into their words. Their actions- abusive, bullying. Etc. He does not feel but knows you do. Please. No contact. He will not be this great guy and learn from his mistakes. That is pathology- the inability to change. It will end the same exact way. No contact. Stop wondering and keep reading here.

Hmm definately still manipulative. A lot of narcs have sociopathic traits as well and that sounds like the classic 'pity play'. Mine is about 70% sociopath and 30% narc. Might pay to look up 'profile of a sociopath' just in case :)

this is just another form of manipulation anything to attempt to control your thoughts and behavior

My didn't call me names either...until we broke up He turned into a bully but is Mr Nice Guy with flowers in person He never spoke to me in the way he writes to me in email I think you already know the answer to this the EX Chose to cheat on me and I walked in on him I have my own place now and he is still trying to convince me that 'love is real' and 'we have something special' hmmmm. if it was really that special I think he would of kept it in his pants!:) If he takes blame do you try to stop him from feeling bad about himself? Sometimes it is an emotional manipulation so you will tell them ' no, your not a monster' etc have a good day!