Bit of A Relapse

I had a bit of a setback today. I saw one of the OW today at the restaurant where she works (I didn’t know she worked there until I saw her). I didn’t say anything to her, give her the evil eye, or anything like that. I ignored her, and she ignored me. Still, I started thinking about her and the exn together, and it made my stomach turn. I slipped up and fell back into cognitive dissonance. I thought that, since he would NEVER, EVER do something to hurt me that much, it must be all her fault. She must be a slut and a terrible person. Did thinking of her in that way change what happened? Of course not. But, I felt “better” than her because at least I didn’t sleep with someone who has a girlfriend, wasn’t the “undercover lover,” and had a “legitimate” reason to feel betrayed by his utter indifference to anyone else’s feelings but himself. I had found a way to make myself feel less guilty about staying with a man-child while knowing deep down that he was cheating, didn’t value me, and didn’t love me, and I did this by bringing someone down.

After obsessing about how awful a person she must be, I came back to sanity and realized I had no right to mentally berate this woman. I barely even know her. How can I judge her? I’m not saying her actions were right but, hell, I did a LOT of wrong, idiotic, self-deprecating things when I was with him, too. Moreover, I stayed with him despite his mistreatment and played the role of martyr. What did that say about ME and the issues that I had? I remembered the people, including friends who I’ve since dropped, who would look down on me because of how I allowed myself to be treated by the exn and intimate that they thought I was a slut even though I was his girlfriend. It made me want to scream!!! I wished so badly that they could recognize the deep-seated issues and hurt that contributed to me staying with the ex n (not saying that I was forced to stay, though). I remember trying to talk with some of these “friends” about some of these issues and the nature of my relationship with the ex n after the breakup. I wanted so badly for them to see where I was coming from and get some validation of what I went through, but they had this negative image of me branded in their minds. I was the whore who got what she deserved. Ironically, even though I was viewed as being beneath them and told them the truth about his character, he was still considered to be “Mr. Nice Guy.” I’m over caring about how people perceive me now, but I’ll never forget how they treated me. It was a sad lesson of how too many people view men and women who are/were in abusive relationships.

By placing all the blame on her and demonizing her, I was doing the same thing that others did to me. And, as others on this site have mentioned, I was the other woman too; I really wasn’t that much different from her. Also, I was reminded of how painful and fruitless obsessing over him, the ow, and son really is.

On an unrelated note, this incident really got me thinking about how CD is so tempting while you’re healing from a narc relationship. It’s so strange how associating any happiness or good character with the exn is really CD because EVERYTHING is a lie or a manipulation. That also means reminding myself that, even though I wasn’t special to him, that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be loved. Sometimes, I’ll catch myself reflecting on the “good times” and have to force myself to realize that the man I cared for never really existed. My head picked up on that faster than my heart did, unfortunately.

I haven’t behaved this way in a long while, so I felt pretty silly. But, I’m going to keep pressing forward.