birthday brainstorm

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#1 Nov 16 - 10PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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birthday brainstorm

As I was driving home from work tonight I started talking to myself, (I love those alone times in my car) One of the first things I said was "How could I have been so stupid? And it hit me, what if I was stupid, or mentally handicapped would it have mattered? Would that have made it right for them to do what they did to us? OF COURSE NOT, and of course we arent stupid but my point being, when it comes to matters of the heart are we all intellectuals? OF COURSE NOT. Love can make us foolish, blind, unaware, love can sometimes hinder our thinking,love can make us feel intoxicated, love can make the world look pretty damn good, and it feels pretty damn good too being in love and finding that special person that is just right for you. Over time love is put to the test; after the novelty wears off, some make it and some realize it wasnt what they thought it was. But never never never because we were stupid, we were simply in love. I will always remember that, what I thought was love with my Psychopath, we sure discovered something much more that the norm when our novelty wore off didnt we? I dont have to tell you what each and every one of us discovered, but it all was the same thing, we were with a pathological person and the reasons why they did what they did to us are evident, documented right there in all the psychology handbooks. But one thing is for sure, it was never never because we were blind or stupid it was because we were simply in love, and we should all be proud of what we gave of ourselves, how we were able to love is what I am getting at. He is gone but I still carry all that love inside me and know what I am capable of giving in my heart to another, imagine how grand if someday, when the time is right another giving the same love in return to us. Maybe its not such a brainstorm or great thinking on my part but I am really tired of thinking how dumb I was for being so conned, that is so untrue, none of us should ever think that way, because we were the normal human beings that simply fell in love.

Nov 24 - 3PM
Carolyn
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You were never stupid the

You were never stupid the love affair carried a lot of brain chemistry-endorphins etc. that give quite a high. You were manipulated and then harmed by an emotional cripple. Unfortunately you were used by a bad person. You didn't let it defeat you and you moved on. there are some interesting books on the Law of Attraction. Why not read one and get ready to find the right person for you? I remember someone once saying everyone has a false love- then they find their true love. You deserve to find your true love now.
Nov 25 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
cynthia (not verified)
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Carolyn and Fairy Wings

Your comments touched me, I remember someone once saying everyone has a false love- then they find their true love. You deserve to find your true love now. Maybe you are right, I think I have suffered long enough, I have discovered so much about myself and Fairy Wings, How profound, If I am capable of such love for another human being, I am capable of loving myself in such a manner and will never settle for less than what I should be given in return. These are very encouraging thoughts for each and everyone of us to remember, all any of us ever wanted was a healthy, loving, give and take relationship, we wanted respect, we wanted trust, all the things we have to give in a partnership and we wasted too much time giving all of our wonderful qualities to a emotionally crippled BAD MAN, I mean think about that, WE were discarded by THEM, THE SICK ONES, and we spend time wondering what the hell we did wrong, how could someone be this evil, etc.... why did they leave us for someone else, or whatever our circumstances were, NO MORE CRAZY FOR ME, LETS GET OFF THAT CRAZY BUS and look at WHO WE ARE, quit looking at WHAT THEY ARE, we already know that, aside from normal faults we all have, we are just fine and we are going to get better.
Nov 27 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
fairy wings
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cynthia you're a star

Thank you for replying to my post. I have thought several times that if I spend time on this site focusing on what he did, then indirectly he is still controlling me, however I have gained so much strength from everyone here and that has cheered me and given me strength on my journey of recovery. I guess before I found this site I had unravelled a lot on my own, such as projection and the fact that most abusers seem to be stuck somewhere between age five and about fifteen. Finding the site was amazing because here I have had my view confirmed and learnt so much more. Gradually I have stopped analysing where I went wrong, I have dropped the 'if onlys', and I have come to realise as you have suggested Cynthia that I am just a human being doing the best I can on this planet. I know I treated him well and I know he twisted it all back on me. Like everyone I have my faults, however I genuinely want to improve who I am and the way I interact with others because for me that is what life is about. I may have been only too willing to accept the blame he threw my way, and too willing to think it was my fault, however every time he called me and labelled me I thought, 'yes, there is some truth in that'and I could improve on that. He called me impatient and I became more patient, he said I was arrogant and on occasions I was, so I worked on humility, he said I was childish and sometimes I could see my response to him had been childish, so I asked my self what would an adult response be, and I managed to become more of an adult. He said I talked too much so I gradually said less and came to appreciate the inner peace that accompanies silence. So the list went on, month after month, week after week, he would find something else he supposedly didn't like about me. I knew ages before I left I would never measure up because he didn't want me to. He had to find fault to keep me at arms length, to distance me, because he feared intimacy. I think I am a better person for having known him. I understand why it is hard for women to leave. I understand the unbelieveable complexities of these relationships that I never could have understood before I found myself in this position. I connect with women all over the world who I never would have had any understanding of before. I am grateful for the smallest of pleasures, I know what really matters, I know who really loves me, and most of all I know and love myself!! Maybe we would all do well to celebrate our successes and to know that none of these men were worthy of any one of us!
Nov 24 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
fairy wings
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how true

How true, when when we have healed we stand more chance of attracting a healthy partner. I love your posts Carolyn, so wise. I think I will call you wise owl!
Nov 17 - 5AM
Ellen
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Hi cynthia

Hi cynthia, I hope you had a good birthday. I wish i could tell myself that i wasn't stupid or blind or gullible..... and the rest of it more often. I watched the american psycopath last night. What was your ex called again? I reckon it was about him with all the bedroom antics he was performing...........wasn't it you who said that he was trying to set you up with others. Anyway the film was scarey but he was with a perfectly ordinary lady who had no clue what he was doing on the quiet, nor did his friends have any idea about him. What creeped me out was that he said some things to me that i remember my ex saying, i didn't like that i understood and recognised the way that character thought. creepy. I have nothing positive today as i feel no hope for the future for me but i'm glad you are turning your thoughts around.
Nov 24 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
fairy wings
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ellen and cynthia

Ellen: I wanted to share my thoughts after reading your post. If you have come this far there is no reason why you can't go a bit further. As I have said to someone else on this site, it isn't hope you need, it is faith. For me 'hope' still puts the situation outside of your control whereas 'faith' comes from within. Start having faith and you will feel stronger the minute you say it. It somehow feels more of a commitment to your recovery. I have faith that this shift in terminology can work for you. Cynthia: It may be possible that one day you will meet someone who will love you as much as you loved him, however what you are missing is that if you can love someone else this much, you can also love yourself this much. It took me ages to truly get this. If you love yourself you would never settle for too little again. As you both know leaving is only the start. I left six years ago and only last month did I truly get loving myself, prior to this I was just going through the motions. I guess I never lost faith that one day 'I would get it' whatever 'it' was and now I do. You are both very strong, the road out is never straight. There will be good days and not so good, however if you hold on to 'it all happens perfectly' there is no need to stress, have faith and believe in yourselves. I can't believe how long it has taken me to make the shift, but if I can do it so can you.
Nov 17 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
4joys4
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It was never a case of being

It was never a case of being stupid. I just didnt know that these people existed or what a red flag about them was. Now I do. Thats the lesson. Ellen..chin up girlfriend! Don't lose hope ;)
Nov 24 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
itreallyisabouthim
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I didn't know, either. I

I didn't know, either. I didn't know there were people who could be considered "nice guys" who were really evil people to whom the normal rules of working things out, communication, etc. do not apply. It was all futile. Now I know, too!