BIG mess

For anyone thinking of breaking NC, here is a real mess to consider. I really don’t have many people I can talk to this about because I am ashamed to admit that I got myself into this situation with exN and it is also a very complicated situation. I am really beating myself up over this one, but I’m terrified and feel very alone/confused. My exN contacted me a month and a half ago, and I went back for more. We didn’t talk of getting back together, but we spent time together and had sex. I knew I shouldn’t have been there, but that’s irrelevant now. We used protection most of the time, except for one time on the morning we were last together. I told him afterward that it was right in the middle of my cycle and that I was worried about the chance we had taken. He told me not to worry, that everything would be ok..I replied that I would be the one to deal with it, and he said, No WE will deal with it…A day and a half later I took the emergency contraception pill (it said up to 3 days) and thought I should be ok. I am 40 years old and thought it would not be easy for me to conceive either. To be brief, the exN went silent after that day (after pursuing hard for 3 weeks) and I figured it was DD time..but only myself to blame for going back..Well, as you can guess…I found out I am pregnant. We had been together for 2 years and had talked of getting married…he often told me he wanted kids, but I never felt he was responsible or selfless enough to marry or be a father…we broke up when I told him that I didn’t want to get married until I saw a better commitment from him…anyway, here I am..40 and pregnant with his child. I have a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage who does not like exN at all (she does not know that I saw him again).

I decided to tell him last Sunday…his reaction surprised me. We met to discuss it, and I said that I didn’t see how it could work. He said that he wants me to have the child. I expressed many of my concerns, one being that I don’t want to raise a child alone, to which he responded that we try to make our relationship work, that this could be the best thing that ever happened to us. I said, “but I don’t feel that you really love me, especially after all that has happened” (referring to heartless behavior of DDs)..he said that we should take it one step at a time..that he is here for me no matter what decision…after the conversation on Sunday, I have not seen him…I was getting texts and phone calls from him to check in and see how I was feeling..him offering to help in any way…yesterday, after going to the doctor for blood work, I cried to him on the phone that I was scared and very confused..that I am having a hard time deciding what to do…that I needed to talk with him more about this and needed help with the decision…he seemed annoyed and uncomfortable…said that he had offered to be there but that I am always so busy…(he had offered to have lunch and get together and I was busy those days)…that was yesterday morning…I haven ‘t heard from him and get the feeling that he is giving me silent treatment, or punishing me for expressing feeling, saying he wasn’t giving me enough…I am not asking for anyone to tell me what to do about the pregnancy…but if anyone could please help with any insight or experience about dealing with N on this, I would really appreciate it…like I said, I can’t really talk to anyone about this especially since many people don’t understand Ns or their behavior.