Big investment, no return.
Big investment, no return.
We met 10 yrs ago. She was, I'd have to say, the most beautiful woman who ever fell (so I thought) head over heels in love with me.
"I really don't want to be without you for one minute" she would say. The first time we spent the night together, she cried and cried. "Why are you crying?" I asked. "There's nothing wrong with crying."
She moved in, with her little dog, cleaned my place from top to bottom, had me working out, eating healthy, and in general, we had a lot of fun together.
There were upsetting things; she was the worse backseat driver in history. I would have to get up at 4 in the morning to get her juice. I'd bring the juice back, and she'd say, "no, too sweet, put some water in it."
Nevertheless, I felt so lucky that a woman this beautiful was so into me, I gave her an engagement ring. Then, the landlord said that the dog was not allowed, and we would have to find another place. So, I went looking for another apartment, and found one for $200 per month more.
Since I was paying the entire rent, I asked her to kick in the extra $200 per month. She said no, and it was at that point I realized I wouldn't be able to continue with this relationship, as it was too much of a drain on my finances.
She moved into another place, and I left the state to take care of my aging parents. I paid half of her rent for the first six months, on the condition that if I needed to come back and visit for business, I could stay there. I believe I only went back one time, and eventually it ended.
Fast forward 5 years, and I get an email from her. She is pregnant, is there any way she can come stay with me for a while? I balk, because I would not like to come in the way with her and whoever the baby's father is, maybe they can work it out. She never does come, but sends me a pic of the beautiful new baby. I send her a gift certificate, and that's that.
A few years later, we reconnect on Facebook. I haven't actually seen her in 7 or 8 years, and yet I am amazed at how good she looks, even better than before, and she is now nearing 40. She had cosmetic surgery (breast augmentation, nose job) and her daughter was simply beautiful as well.
So, we exchange pleasantries back and forth, I don't really know if she's dating or what she's into.
Then, I sell my house, business, etc., and move to NYC with a small nest egg. It had always been my dream to live and work there. We start getting a little more intense on Facebook, and I invite her and her little daughter to come and see me.
Eventually she agrees. "Can I bring my nanny?" she says. I say no, that will cost a lot, and besides, I have a small Manhattan apartment. So, she comes.
Oh my gosh, what fun. We didn't even explore the city that much, we just had fun with each other and her adorable little girl. They stayed about 4 days, and when I sent them in the car service for the trip to the airport, I walked back into my prized NYC flat and experienced some of the most intense longing and loneliness of my life.
I said to myself, "Why was I so resistant to being with her 10 yrs prior? Why wouldn't I just be happy to be with a beautiful woman, and if she wanted her juice less sweet at 4am, just get it for?"
Turns out she was seeing another guy. Nothing serious, she says, but yes, she was. I say, "Why would you come out here to see me if you were already with someone else?"
She says, "It's not a big hot heavy romance, and besides, we were just old friends catching up."
So, I put on the full court press. I start sending gifts, flowers, etc etc. I try to get her to move to NYC, but she says no, she won't do the cold weather.
She says to me, "My baby is growing up so fast. I want another one. I want to be pregnant right now."
I say, "You can't tell me that and still be with this other guy. I love you." She finally agrees that she will end it with the other guy and I move to her.
I say to myself, OK, this is a big risk, but this is it, my best chance at love. Age and motherhood seem like they've mellowed her out, and I'm more ready for it as well. So, I sell everything I own, take all the cash I have with me in the bank, get out of my hard fought lease, and relocate.
The small nest egg I brought with me is evaporated in 4 months. And something else happens as well. She is an entertainer. She never really had that big a career, and I figured that she is about done with that and ready to concentrate on family and our own business.
Now, there were narcissistic traits I uncovered with her the first time. But a) I didn't understand narcissism, and b) I really thought the child and getting older would ease it.
Wrong. The sudden burst in popularity made it worse. Suddenly, all the plans we had made were out the window. She couldn't get pregnant because of her new gig.
She wanted me to come to her to every single one of her shows, which was ok, except she didn't leave after the show was over. She would stay around for an extra two hours and soak up all the attention from the (mostly male) fans.
When I went broke so fast, I thought, well, she's probably going to dump me now. My business is seasonal, and we had to endure about 3 months of very little funds before a significant cash flow would come in.
But, to her credit, she went out and got a late night job as a cocktail waitress, which was very hard, and kind of demeaning, work.
We had to send the full time nanny (which I paid for) home, and I became the nanny. Of course, nothing was ever done the right way.
She would say, "Why do you make such a mess, why don't you clean up as you go?" I say, "Well, when you're in a rush, and your getting ready, you leave a mess too." She replied, "Yes, but I have someone to clean up for me."
It was such a rough 3 months. One time, I messed up, (i.e., didn't tell her where I was for 2 hrs) and she yelled at me, non stop, for 5 or 6 hours. Over and over. I got extremely defensive and lied to her, and she could sense I was lying. Finally, I went back into her room, and said, "Look, I'm not going to live with someone I feel I have to lie or hide stuff too, yes, I made a mistake, this is what I did."
That didn't help. She continued to escalate and it got worse and worse. I said, "Forget it. If this is the way it's going to be, I'm going to leave." She started to cry a bit, with what I still believe was true emotion, because she was holding the tears back. I realize she had serious abandonment issues, and I felt so bad. I made up my mind then and there that no matter what she put me through, I would hang tough, especially for the sake of her daughter, who I was very attached to.
But, by that point, she had had enough. There were so many guys after her, rich ones, powerful ones, famous ones, that she started looking heavily behind my back. One particular guy, a real "nice guy" type who inherited a large family business, and who was flirting with her since right after I moved there, caught her interest, and all of a sudden, her FB got locked away, the phone never left her side, etc etc.
Business started picking up, so I was working a lot. When the money stated coming in, I set down boundaries. She wanted access to the bank account and I said no. I stopped staying out at her shows, because I had to get up early to work.
And sure enough, eventually, she didn't come back. 2 nights she spent out with this guy (over 2 weeks), and the second time, I texted and said, "I was planning on going away this weekend, but I can leave right now if you want."
No response. So, I packed up my stuff (all clothes she bought me after she threw out all of my clothes) which fit nicely in my car, and left.
It's funny, because I can remember praying to be out of the relationship. When I left, not knowing where I was going, actually, I felt so free. But then it hit me, and I felt crushed.
She blamed me for "leaving." "You were always threatening to leave, and you did. We're done. It's over."
I drove by her house the next morning, saying to myself "she wouldn't, there's no way she would." And sure enough, there was his car.
So, she was simultaneously sleeping with my replacement, while blaming me for leaving, even though her staying out all night with the guy was the reason I left!
I found myself in an extended stay hotel, with just the worst, crushing pain I ever felt. I didn't actually take any steps to commit suicide, but if there was a way I could just get hit by a bus or something, I would have accepted it. It was so painful.
I begged, I pleaded to get back with her. She was cold and heartless. When she did come and see me at a gig (I was so surprised to see her) she bullied me, told me to shut up, told me there was no chance we would ever get back together, told me to go see a therapist, that it was done, finished. I said, "What about the baby" (who had taken to calling me 'Daddy'). "Can't I see her." "No" she said.
It was then that I realized if it ever came down to a contest between her happiness and her child's, hands down her happiness would win, and she would rationalize it by saying, "Well, if I'm not happy, she won't be happy either."
It's been 2 and a half months. The pain is leaving, sort of. Initially, I blocked her, and him, on FB, and thought that was kind of weak, so I unblocked them.
I had no trouble not going to her page, as I knew first hand how manufactured and phony it was. But, she's become such a prominent celeb, especially on FB, that there was no way of avoiding her popping up on my newsfeed, so I recently blocked them all together.
Amazingly, and thank God, who must have heard my prayers, my business started to pick up. For the first time since I relocated, I actually had some money in the bank and the thought that I might be able to get my finances back together.
We ended up having a gig at the same place. This time, we were headlining the show, so, she couldn't come and bully me. I never saw her. She came and left in a flash.
Of course, she did hit me up a couple of times, saying I owed her money. I think she feels (from experience) that eventually, we ex-s get over her, and then she can't get anything from us, so she might as well try while she's got us under her spell.
I didn't really break off "all" contact. I did proxy contact, staying in touch with members of her family, her friends, co-workers, etc, who were basically the only people I knew in the city.
Eventually, as I got to meet more people on my own, I realized that was no good either, and cut off contact with all of her friends, and limited it extremely with her family.
So, now I'm in true "no contact" mode. It seems like she's happy with the new guy, although I did hear, through the grapevine, that she treats him like a dog and that he's spending thousands and thousands of dollars on her, like buying $500 plane tickets so she can perform at a $400 gig, and then not even being allowed in to watch the show.
I still have alot of anger at him, because he manipulated and lied to me to get to her. Of course, she was the one who used him as her relationship therapist, talking about what a distant, unfeeling jerk I was, how we hardly ever had sex, etc etc.
Can she fall in love? I remember when we were living together, I found a list she had made, "The man who pursues me will be..." and listed all of the attributes she wanted. I was surprised to see I fit in NONE of those categories, but the new guy actually does fit the bill pretty well.
So, maybe it will last, and I'm bracing myself for the news that she's pregnant and engaged.
Yes, I'm feeling better; there was no way to feel worse, after all. I'm really hoping to use the lessons I learned from this and channel it into something really productive and do some great things in the future.
I have a lot of anger at him, and unfortunately, sad as it is, if she called today and played it the right way, I'd go back in with her.
I hope that doesn't happen, and I hope that feeling fades away too, and soon.