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big day

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#1 Jan 4 - 2PM
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

big day

I've put up with all the vindictive awful lies my ExN has written about me to my lawyer for over two years now. He took my car locked it up and then I got it back. He wrote for two years to my lawyer how I was violent towards him, a "cheating, punitive, vindictive women who he couldn't wait to get rid of" How I was on drugs and that I wanted to sleep around. He's bad mouthed me to the children and completely assassinated my character with his vulgar lies about me to my lawyer constantly. Threatens me with court constantly over the children. It's been awful really awful. And he's still on probation

Then he signed the separation agreement christmas eve. He didn't show up to take them for their christmas time with him, got the day wrong then bombarded me with more messages, one saying he'd driven passed my house and saw my car was there.

So I promised I'd go to the police with all the stuff he'd written and let them decide if it's harassment, once he'd signed so I could get a RO. I went today with it all. Physically I had that feeling again today in the pit of my stomach, feeling sick, low and tearful. I want this to end. I'm worried about the outcome of what I did today because he'll hate it, would he have just left me alone now he's signed and is very much into his new gf , would he have just disappeared anyway. Did I do the right thing? This is swimming around in my head

Jan 4 - 4PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Your lawyer has been

Your lawyer has been receiving junk from this guy for 2 years! that sounds like a very patient lawyer or someone who is 'building a file'. Your ex is really stupid to send abusive garbage to an officer of the court. The police are limited in their legal position to evaluate the legality of harassment but they can tell you if what he is doing and saying is grounds for an arrest. You might want to talk to the lawyer about a course of action. You did really well in saving everything, the lawyer can tell you if what you are holding in evidence meets the burden of proof for a restraining order but in the meantime you can get a TRO or temporary restraining order. the statements that you are on drugs is slander and you can quietly take a drug test. If he has minimal contact with you he really wouldn't know that to be true. The definition of slander is 'telling something about someone else you know not to be true, in front of 2 or more people, for the purpose of causing them harm or damaging their reputation. The fact that your lawyer is an officer of the court might be sufficient if he produces the evidence that he has been collecting. No matter what you do this man is going to bully you. You might want to have the lawyer send him a letter requesting that he have minimal contact with you, that you are going to ask the court to order a psych evaluation, and that anymore violence and you are going to take your proof to court and get a restraining order. Your body chemistry is reacting to his abuse and harassment. It is hard not to be afraid of a guy like this. You have been really brave so far and he is incredibly stupid to supply so much information against himself. In some states the local bar association provides free legal advice for TRO's you might want to call them. You have a lot of evidence against him. You might also try to get a third party who knows him to tell him that he has gone to far. That 3rd party could be his probation officer. That is a bold move but whatever you do you are going to have problems and you need to have someone who has power over him to stop the bullying. If you call the probation office the receptionist will tell you who your -ex's PO is and what their telephone and office hours are. they can demand he take anger management courses, they can set limits on his contacts with you, they have a range of things they can do legally or they can violate his probation and he goes to jail. You can only get probation once so he is a fool to blow that. If you feel unsafe making the contact with the PO maybe the lawyer could do it for you. You are almost out of this guys life. You have to end the drama sometime and you are on your way to a different life.
Jan 4 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

Thanks for the great advice.

Thanks for the great advice. My lawyer allowed it all the pass even though I told her to write him to stop. She's cost me a fortune and not done much. He's on probation and did a mens programme, useless, but I have an assigned woman's safety officer in probation who told me to go to the police about this. She would love to see him up in court whilst he's on probation. To get a psych evaluation he needs to agree to this or be arrested again and probation can insist, gone down that road. I'd love it if he got arrested but I recon the police will bottle out and just have a chat. You never know though. Then it would stop. This is no way to live. Also I find that when he sends these letters I end up thinking about him and enter into his world and start feeling depressed and want to shut myself away with no energy and I don't eat properly. When I leave his space and concentrate on me and the kids and what I'm doing life takes a total u-turn and I feel strong and happy. He's so toxic.

Ending the dance

Jan 4 - 4PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Right Thing

So sorry for your troubles. I am not sure about the issue here. You are going to apply for a restraining order? ROs are to keep a the man away because you are afraid. Harrassment and stalking also involve a pattern of behaviors which evoke fear in the recipient, or target. In this case you are the target. I think there is nothing wrong in that you went down to wherever you went with your paperwork. I know how you feel. While I was still caught in the web of the narcissist, anything I did to stand up for myself & to change the playing field made me feel very anxious. I am terrified of my N. And when I lived with him, I had more than enough to take out an RO. But, I did not. I was too scared of him. Too scared to have the courts & police to forbid him to enter the home we co-owned. Instead, I left. I now live in a rented room & he lives in the house I still co-own with a new woman. In the end, I think force is the only language these men understand. They will go as far as you let them. I will do as much as they think they can get away with. You're gonn have to stand up to him at one point or another, or he will continue to abuse you.
Jan 4 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

Thanks, that's the reason I

Thanks, that's the reason I did it, because I want him to stop being vile to me just because he can. It's not an RO but an harassment order I want (I got that wrong) or at the least a telling off from the police (he already has a conviction for assaulting me). I want him to know that that's enough for me, he needs to stop now and even though we have small children I won't stand for his lies and vile behaviour, there need to be consequences, although having a conviction hasn't been enough

Ending the dance

Jan 4 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Assaulted You?

This guy is on probation because he assaulted you? And he has the nerve to send you nasty e-mails, letters, etc.? If he's been convicted of assault, I cannot imagine that any judgte would not issue a restraining order to prevent him from contacting you. If he's done it once, he'll do it again. Have you ever read Lundy Bancroft's WHY DOES HE DO THAT? All about abusive men & their methods. These guys are so predictible that they are pathetic. Bancroft designed the batterers & anger management programs in Massachusetts. Writes his book after years of experience of group therapy with these guys. The book was a revelation & opened my eyes. Mine is lucky that I did not have this book before I left the house. Had I had this book then I would have taken an RO out against him.
Jan 4 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

AnotherPath

You ABSOLUTELY did the RIGHT THING!! http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?statelaw_name=Restraining%20Orders&state_code=GE ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 4 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

AnotherPath YES!!

Hand it all in. You have got to stand your ground and let this guy know you are not taking the abuse and the excuses anymore. The legal system is tough,,it isn't fun, but at this point you need to get this accomplished. Become as knowledgeable as you can about what you want. Ask a lot of questions,,call the Circuit Court, ask for definitions. Yes,,the Bar and even Lawyer offices will offer you advice if you call. They will point you in the right direction. It seems each Lawyer kind of has their own bend on things, so call a multitude in the area of your interest even if you already have one hired. You would be surprised at all the different recommendations Lawyers make with the same case and situations.