Beyond Tired

I have been thinking a lot over the weekend. A lot of tears, a lot of sadness and a lot of eye opening.

I didnt realize it until a friend got "tough" with me so to speak, but I have spent the last few months falling back into his trap. I didnt even know that I had, I would have sworn I had let that part go, NC is a no brainer, reading on the forum, ordering books reading you name it I was doing it. But I was still becoming so paralized in fear.Then steps in my friend and she backs off on our converstaions, changes tone and pretty much says change your focus, your questions are the same, my answers are the same, you need to change your focus off him and back on you. At first I didnt get it, but after a lot of lonliness this weekend my eyes are a little bit more open.

I am really good at telling other people they deserve to feel better, helping others if they need something, giving my furniture or clothing if they need it regardless if I have enough, giving money to those that need it, my lunch to the homeless guy on the corner, my soul to Brandt, you name it I will give it away, but I have been refusing to look inside me and face it.

My situation makes NC easy, so I kinda took a sigh of relief that I dont have to struggle like others have, I thought now all I have to do is read, that will help. Yes, it does, BUT and its a big but.. I have to face that this is about me. Im fucked up. Not because people told me I was, not that kind, but messed up inside where I am scared to death to look inside that thing I call me. I thought my friend was just getting tired of me, I was getting old, not getting better fast enough, not doing something right, but that wasnt the case, she was telling me something I wasnt hearing..Until I look inside me and face that icky, scary, fucking horrifying story and accept it as mine nothing is going to get better.

I dont have any clue how I will even start this process, but I do know that it really is time for me, and that means I have to stop hiding behind or in my fear of him. I cant "What if" anymore, becuase truth is, what is going to happen is going to happen, I have no control over him, I never had. I only have control over me and I have never taken that control and done anything but give it away. Its time to stop that.

So when my alarm goes off and I do my "Hate my life, wish I were dead, this is too hard" talk, I am going to stop and try something different. When I walk outside and the panic starts and I run back in because I am too scared to leave, I am going to leave anyway. When that lump rises in my throat because the memories wont shove down, I am going to stop shoving, because the lump wont kill me.

I have a very long journey to go on, and I didnt realize just how off track I have gotten over the past few months. My fear isnt gone, my court dates arent gone, my safety issues isnt gone, but I have to stop giving him all my control. I left him, I got out, I took my babies and left and that makes me a fighter, that makes me a survior. I cant waste that and sit and continue to give him all this power.

I have to find a way somehow, somewhere, someway to fight this. I have to keep telling myself that I am out, I NEVER have to have him touch me, talk to me, hurt me again. I never have to feel his skin, his bald head, his smell, his eyes, never again. I did that. And now, I have to find it in me to do the next step. Sometimes or at least for me reading isnt enough. Writing it out isnt enough, it is too easy for me to "make it someone elses pain" when I write it out. Its time I stop swallowing my lump, stop pushing my hurt, stop letting the tears be my fear and time to find out who and what I am.

I feel like I have been beaten down so hard that I dont have an ounce of energy to lift my pinky finger off the bed. I feel like I took my last breath of life but for some reason I am still alive. I gave him so much of me, I fought so hard for him, and I have become so tired and so hopeless. But I made the choice to leave, I did that, and that means that I made the choice to be a survivor, not a victim. So I guess that means I start acting like one whatever that means.

So today when I say I am scared, I am terrified but I am terrifed of getting it out. I am terrified to say "It wasnt my fault" because if it wasnt my fault what does that mean? And that is something I am scared to death to face, but its time. I have no where else to go. Im too tired and too much in pain but I am still alive, and I chose that.