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In between

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#1 Feb 25 - 12PM
exhausted
exhausted's picture

In between

Im not sure how i feel anymore. I am so confused. i am still curious about what he is up to but not enough to ask around about him. I see him walking around on his phone and I'm sure he is up to something but it doesnt even matter. His situation hasn't changed in 2 1/2 months and I don't think it is going to. I think he just wants everyone to think he is going to make a move, like get a divorce or who knows. I see him now and I just see a pathetic lost soul.

I still cry all the time and I am still hurt and miss what I thought we once had.

The reason I am so confused is while I feel myself becomming indifferent why do I still cry? If I don't care what he is up to why do I want him to ask people what I am up to? I want him to think that I am happy and better off without him. Why do I care what he thinks?

Am I getting bettter or worse? I don't know what is going on.

Feb 25 - 12PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

We've all been where you are,

We've all been where you are, and we all go back to it now and then. You're completely normal. Sometimes I think that we're left dealing not just with our own emotions but all the emotions he wouldn't let himself feel, as well, so we get a double whammy. Just go with it, let it all run its course, process it. Believe it or not, it promotes healing.
Feb 25 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Mandy

I think you are totally right here. Exhausted, this may be partially why the sadness and tears come and go. I was fine for weeks and then this week was really rough. I think it's part of the healing process. These guys are so emotionally repressed that WE begin to repress our feelings to adapt to being with them. When we go NC, we revisit all the feelings we didn't let ourselves feel honestly. The myth of the relationship that we thought we had versus the relationship we ACTUALLY had has to be reconciled bit by bit. Go ahead and cry, Exhausted. It's a very sad, unfortunate thing.
Feb 26 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

ally2375

Yes, I actually repressed my feelings to be with him. When i think of all the hurtful things he did to me that i simply tucked away because it was too painful to deal with, I realize that this is all coming to the surface now and boy is it a whole lot of crap to deal with! Very insightful. Thanks

victimnomore

Feb 26 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You hit a very significant point for me

That I just realized... These guys are so emotionally repressed that WE begin to repress our feelings to adapt to being with them. I didn't realize that was what I was doing...but that is what I was doing... WTH?
Feb 25 - 12PM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

You cry for yourself. You cry

You cry for yourself. You cry for your lost dreams. You cry for the abuse you've endured. You know something? I cried so much and now that I cry no more I understand that this grief has not been useless. You may think it is just hurting. It is not. You will remember this grief and it actually will be a good thing, to avoid other mistakes, to start embracing yourself. (((hugs)))
Feb 25 - 12PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Exhausted

I'm no where near as close to the continuing drama that you are and I still cry pretty much daily - even just a little bit. What you are experiencing is so normal in recovery. I would like to stress to you that questioning it too much might just perpetuate your confusion and drive you crazy. Accept that the grief remains regardless that you don't see him the same way now. The grief isn't always about him. I still love and miss the man I thought my ex was also. There is nothing wrong with that. I feel fairly indifferent now also about my experience, but that doesn't stop me from crying, I still care about me and the pain I've gone through. I cry for the damage I've experienced. I cry because I miss him sometimes. I cry because I love him sometimes. It is getting better, it just doesn't always feel like it. Cog dis is a confusing battle of our perspectives and very normal after trauma. ((hugs))

Journey on...