Betrayed!

It`s difficult to know what`s going on, since you didn`t go into detail (GREAT answer, by the way, Goldie!). But unless the betrayal you`re referring to is that your best girlfriend just slept with your ex-narc, I would suggest the following solution if you can`t just let it go, as it seems you cant). Get them both together and have it out with both of them at the same time. That way you`re not betraying anyone, and if either of them doesn`t want to be friends any more, you haven`t lost anything because doubt and mistrust are going to destroy those friendships anyway. Get things on a clean level, without any of that " he said you said and then I thought" shit, that just complicates things and snarls everyone up. If one of the persons you`re mentioning is your ex-narc, then just take Goldies advice. Hope you get things straightened out. This kind of stuff is really such a waste of energy. Hugs Tigerlily

I can only share by experiences and observations on this, I don't know your particular situation with this friend. I was for the most part considered to be a strong competent woman with many "friends," social activities and affiliates, ect... I was enrolled in college fulltime, owned my own home, car, had money in the bank. Was involved in many volunteer positions, giving back to the community. When I hooked up with the Narc a couple of years ago and he stole from me, destroyed my home with violence, was physical with me, this seemed to begin a downward spiral for me. He went to jail and left me in a huge mess. I shortly thereafter lent my car to a fellow student and he got in a car accident to the tune of 2,000.00 and did not pay me a dime to fix it. I had a couple of roommates at the time, who took full advantage of my downward spiral and stole from me as well. There was then a major flood in my home which primarily affected by bedroom area and all was lost, including my bed and many other possessions. I had to tear the basement apart and throw everything away to avoid mold. Thousands of dollars worth of damage. While in the process of this, a wall fell on top of me and I was bruised from head to toe. I was forced to sell just about everything in my house to attempt to catch up with the morgage and I dropped out of school, where I was thriving and doing well. I turned to my church for help and they just did not "get it" they basically implied that this was all of my own making by hooking up with the Narc in the first place. My friends response was, we could not understand what you were doing with him in the first place, you are so much better than him, and you are a STRONG woman, you will figure it out. I received very little help, understanding, or support from anyone. The general rule of thumb here, seemed to be that I made my own bed, now I had to lie in it. I was about as low as anyone can get over this ordeal. I did not have a dime left, no school, and a destroyed life and house. I often sat in my house pondering HOW and WHY?? I had done so much for these people over the years and now that I was at my darkest hour and not so STRONG anymore, there appeared to be few there for me. WTF, I often said outloud. I became angry and disgusted with people and their apparent lack of concern for me and my plight. I cried, I screamed, I ranted and raved about all of this for weeks. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I found this site and I began to read and read and then to write and write and realized, THAT I WAS NO LONGER ALONE. I realized that there were hundreds and thousands of other people who had been through a similar ordeal and that there was a way out. Recovery for me has not been just about the Narc, it has been about assessing my entire life and all the choices I have made and all of the events which have transpired in my life, from my childhood all the way up to this point. I realized that I had allowed many many people into my life who did not need to be there. There were many friends, church members, and so called loved ones who DID NOT have my best interests at heart and part of the recovery and healing was to let them go as well. I left the church, severed my relationships with those so called "well wishers" who basically only wanted to take from me when I was strong and tell me how strong I was and offer very little else when I was weak and hurting. I had been depleted of so much in a relatively short time, that I eventually took this as a sign that I was to do a complete overhaul and house cleaning with all area's of my life. As I began to fill the deep dark void left by the Narc and all of his destruction I was actually rebuilding my entire life and this time on a much more solid firm foundation, with people, places, and things, which were more to my liking and my way of being. No longer such the people pleaser, but now more of a stronger, wiser, woman, who makes choices based on what is best and right for her and not what is best and right for everyone else. People can fail you, people can put themselves first, people can betray your trust. The one person who will never do this to you, is yourself. I also learned a tremendous lesson on setting bounderies and allowing people to earn and gain my trust without my putting everything out there without really knowing what their charactor was all about. I take my time now with people and if I see things which I don't like and don't feel and add up with who and what I am, I let them go. No big judgement, no big fight, I just say to myself, this is NOT the type of person who I want in my "inner circle" of friends and leave it at that. This is an inside job as Hunter says, we cannot change anyone else or get anyone else to perform the way we want them to. What we can do is to change ourselves and set appropriate bounderies with those in our life and if their behaviors do not ADD UP, you feel the hurt, pick youself up and dust yourself off, and LET THEM GO!! Sad my dear, but true. I was betrayed on so many levels by so many people when I was down and now I look at it as a good thing, my life needed some serious weeding, my garden was over grown with too many weeds and I needed to clean it up. Now it is not so full and cluttered, there are only a few buds sprouting there, but they are strong solid buds and they are the one which I planted for myself and I water them and feed them and in time my garden will be the way I want it to be, simply, beautiful, and will flourish and bear me much fruit. The other garden was not bearing me much fruit at all, it was full of crab apples. This years crop is going to be full of strong, tasty, juicy beautiful apples. This all takes time, yet is has been well worth my effort. Here's to Swan and here beautiful new garden tended to by herself and full of her favorite fruits. God bless, Goldie

Swan, You may not like what I'm about to say! Being negative attracts negative! All your posts seem to focus on others ! It's time really time you focus on you!! The first place to start is on the inside!! Even if it sucks you must try the half full approach! Hunter

We live in a crazy,narc world that is falling apart as it is. If the female therapist doesn't work out, try a man, I have had better luck with them over the years, hang in there, it is all we can do..............

Hey! You will find comrades here that you CAN trust. Write it, and get it out. There are some amazing people here who will come to your rescue! They have helped me tremendously!!! You are in the right place!! Sending a BIG hug your way... B