Being used

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#1 Nov 27 - 8AM

Happy1

Being used

I was engaged this time last year for only a few weeks to my narc. He had just moved in and the morning after he proposed he told me that he won't be paying rent at my house so ge could pay off my engagement ring. He said we need to be smart with our finances now that we were engaged and needs to buckle down and save for our future. I remember how stunned I was because I had read how narcs will suck you financially dry. I told him that wouldn't work and he needed to pay his share. What a blow up fight we had and he paid one months worth and then I found him with another woman, he moved out first week of December.
Now, he is living free with Doctor and loving every minute of it. I was floored when i heard he had moved in with her. He was so concerned about how his son would react with living with me. Etc and less than a year later he is living with another woman. It's still hard to comprehend and it angers me that he is gettig a free ride off her. I want to scream but have to keep moving. Nothing is fair in life it seems and he keeps coming out on top. Makes me so sick! I cannot believe she's putting up with everyhing but I'm very sure he gave her the biggest sob story about me. It was he who broke my heart and my son was so confused this time last year too. He deserves no one and ends up with supply right away. The Doctor has always been around while we dated. He would break up with me and hang out with the Doctor and then take me back. That was a continuous cycle for 3 years. She was not tempting to stay with all that time and she had the title and money. Why now?????

#2 Nov 29 - 8PM

Tinker

happy...

I had to write. My N left me for a doctor too. She's no prize tho and I knew she wasn't going to get any better than I did. But it tore me up that she got the good things for at least awhile. He tortured me telling me that they were going to travel (which we never did), that he can talk to her about business (but couldn't with me), that our relationship was just physical and he loved just holding hands with her, etc. anything to hurt me. i found out later that they never traveled, and he even said that things were not working. Within weeks he still wanted to see me, so how good was it with her? It's all an illusion. If your N looks happy, you have to know he's miserable and just using her. I've been going through this agony for years. What has helped is realizing I really CAN change how I think. I can choose to be happy. I put up sentences about N's all around (and on my pc at work), things that make me flush that he used me that bad and I kept coming back, things about how sick he is. It makes me turn away emotionally and realize that he will never make me happy. I can take back the power by consciously turning away and toward the things that make me happy and consciously feel love (my family, friends, pets, coworkers, etc.) instead of the crazy sick jealous feeling I have with him. Yes, I miss that crazy attraction but i after awhile it's not worth the craziness. Focus on what makes you happy...choose to be happy just TODAY, then do it again tomorrow. hugs happy:)

#3 Nov 30 - 7AM (Reply to #36)

Happy1

Tinker

Thank you so much for sharing this. Hearing this really does help. I am really going to try to rethink the thoughts that pop in my head. I know this is the honeymoon stage and I have thought how much I loved that time and now she is experiencing it. I know in a matter of time he will treat as horribly as he did me. I need to remember this. That she is a doctor and doesn't understand what is happening has truly made me feel like the crazy one from day one. I am taking comfort in what you have said and you have made me feel better today . Thank you!! Happy

#4 Nov 30 - 10AM (Reply to #37)

Tinker

after thought...

The dr must know in her gut he's using her, surely he's not paying his way there either. Just remember that after that (quick) high with him came that (long and horrendous) low, and that will come to her too. I understand being jealous of the good time, tho even during that I felt that something was "off", didn't you? My N's dr is clueless and has her own issues, but being clueless makes it easier for the N. We know too much! and he hasn't made her crazy yet:) I didn't want to make it sound like I have this all solved, it's a day to day struggle, but changing my focus to positive things prevents the obsessive thoughts and depression. Try listening to Rhonda Byrne's "The Power" on CD (over and over!!), there's even a section on difficult relationships. While it says what you give is what you get, obviously that isn't the case with N's. However, as to difficult relationships, change your focus to what you love and the relationship will resolve itself. We are such strong women, it's amazing, isn't it?!? tinker

#5 Nov 30 - 7PM (Reply to #38)

Happy1

tinker

You're right about us knowing too much. Mine won't come near me now because he knows his mask is completely off with me and I've called him out on everything he has done to me and my son also. You're definitely on the right track for having it solved for yourself. Changing our focus is definitely key and I will keep working at this. Thank you again for your support during this hard time. We are too strong for these wimpy narcs... 8-) Happy1

#6 Nov 28 - 4PM

Happy1

My biggest blow today has

My biggest blow today has been thinking that she really did do whatever she could to win him. She has been lurking in our lives for the entire relationship and she finally has him full time in her house. She must feel like she got the prize!! I know she didn't, but it still is a blow to me and maybe my ego? It's hard to put my finger on. It definitely angers me.

#7 Nov 29 - 7AM (Reply to #34)

Hunter

The Boobie Prize!!

#8 Nov 28 - 1PM

zzcem

Happy1 I understand

how you feel. There are two things that you stated: - It seems and he keeps coming out on top. - He deserves no one and ends up with supply right away. It f**king hurts. I got through Thanksgiving okay and then today I just broke down. The exact thing I was saying to myself is why do people that hurt, lie, and manipulate get ahead and come out on TOP!?! Why!? And then of course this was followed by how will I ever meet someone again? How am I going to feel that physical passion? Will it happen for me again (but with a much healthier man)? All the while he had me replaced the day he D&D'd me. Putting all the blame on me. So while I have spent many a night crying he has not spent them alone. It makes me sick. :( The positive thing is that I live in a city I love, Chicago, and there are so many positive resources here (theatre, opera, fantastic restaurants, museums -- and working on making friends!). So I will just stay strong and focus on the "Teology" of my ideal life. Do the same. Write yourself a "Teology" of the ideal life and man that you see for yourself and focus on it every day. Read the book "Prince Harming Syndrome" about this. Great book and I wish you and everyone else on here the best. We deserve the BEST and NOT this shit!

#9 Nov 28 - 4PM (Reply to #32)

Happy1

zzcem

I also live near Chicago and work in the City. It's amazing how we are around hundreds of different people every day, but do not find that special someone. I know what you mean about wondering if you will feel that physical attraction again for someone. I also wonder that quite a bit for myself. I was so addicted to him it's not even funny. It's scary is what it is. I will definitely be looking this book up to read. Thanks and I wish you the best as well. Happy1

#10 Nov 28 - 8AM

Goldie

Who knows??

Perhaps, she would not allow him to live with her before, regardless to what he said to you, they lie. Perhaps, he did not want to live with her before because she was not going to pay for everything at that point because the relataionship had not progressed to that stage and he needed more time to manipulate her. This guy has made it abundently clear from day one that he does not like to spend his money in a traditional, give and take and what is fair and just. There were always money issue's with this dipshit. With his X wife, with you, and now with the Doctor. He is a poster boy for narcissism. Take what I can get, me me me me me and more me. It is pathetic, that a grown man would prefer to live off a woman than take care of himself. I have zero respect for this guy. The problem here lie's in the fact that you believe what he says. They lie lie lie. He may not have given a shit about his son's feelings and used all that talk as an easy out if things did not work out between you. You have no idea what shit he is slinging on the Doctor to make his escape when he needs to exit. He is a man/child who has never grown up and wants all his mommy's to take care of him. He is NOT right upstairs, never was, never will be. Happy, my dear. You still do not get that he is disordered. You still are giving him the power with his words and torturing yourself replaying all the old tapes of what he said. To a Narc words have very little meaning. They are a manipulative tool. You will begin to feel peace in all of this when you can accept that his words mean NOTHING. He is a manipulator and he says what he has to say to screw with you at the time and then he says something different to fit the current situation. They do not feel like other people do. You will find no peace in rethinking his words. There will be no conclusion aside from the morning when you wake up and realize that his words are not the ticket to your freedom. I used to do this as well, play over the words in my head. There is no solution for us in their words, only more confusion. I reached the point where I could laugh at his words, and say: here we go, somemore bullshit. We need to detatch from the words and accept that the words keep us stuck. The actions are what to remember. The actions of a sick, selfish, using, lying, conman. The ticket to your freedom from this bondage is going to be when you stop thinking about his words and concentrate on the fact that his actions were destructive to you and your son and there is no water for you at this drywell. NOT because you are not good enough, not because the OW is better, but because he was manipulating you both and sold his soul to the highest bidder. When you can get this on a gut level, you will see that you do not want to be with a man who has no soul, no heart. There is nothing there and it is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on him. This is the truth of the matter. When you can change your thinking about all of this, you will find your freedom from bondage. Stop entertaining these thought. They keep you stuck. He is sick. Was sick before you came along and is sick now that you are gone. It does not get anymore complicated than this. Love you Happy girl and want you to find the peace you are so deserving. God bless, Goldie

#11 Nov 28 - 4PM (Reply to #30)

Happy1

Sweet Goldie

Thank you! It is a bondage of my thoughts that are keeping me in this situation. And really it's a one man situation. I am alone and yet still feel bonded to this sick man with thoughts of him and what he has said in the past. You are so right that I do think and believe what he has said in the past. I need to catch myself in the future when these thoughts play in my head. Boy, he has really screwed me up. I still want to believe the man for his word. What a mistake! Thanks Goldie for all your support. This is a bad time of year for me and I'm having a harder time than I thought I would.

#12 Nov 27 - 3PM

agnesmurphy17

OW -Doctor

I met the woman who replaced me. She was not only a MD but a psychiatrist! She contacted me after she left him. Let's see. There's was "instant" love the weekend I moved out. First date was a ticket to the opera that I purchased. (He did the same to her. Took her half of the season tickets & took other women out on her dime.) He wanted to marry her the first month he met her. (Actually had to do with the fact that the bank would not refinance the house & it would have to be sold in the divorce.) He begged her to buy into the house. SHe refused. So, while so in love with her, he started his only hoovering of me to get me back so there would be no divorce, nor sale of the house. The day his parents sent him the cash to buy me out, was the day he wrote to me saying: "Divorce. YOU refuse to reconcile." (After 7 whole days of trying to reconcile.) She moved into the house I still co-owned after three months. When she refused to buy fixtures & renovations for a house she did not own, he again tried to reconcile with me via e-mail. Mine is a tenured professor. Made more money than I. But he uses women to subsidize his lifestyle. And he cannot live alone. These men cannot live alone. The MD & my N lasted 10 months before she realized he's a psychopath wearing the mask of sanity. But did he cost her a bundle of money! Had her footing the bill for so much. And when she left him, he wiped out their joint bank account. (Did the same to me, but when I left there was chump change--of that I made sure.) Your's will do the same to this OW. Bleed her dry. Even successful women can have low self-esteem. Be needy & lonely. And the lies. The lies they tell. It's all a maufactured mythology. I also met his first wife. (Me = 2nd.) Very little of what he told me about her was true. Every new woman is a victim. Lied to & preyed upon. But these guys wear the mask of sanity and one cannot believe that this person is lying. Until too late. And then one is stuck.

#13 Nov 29 - 7AM (Reply to #28)

Happy1

Agnesmurphey

Mine is the same. He has a PHD and a scientist. He made a hell of lot more money than me but you wouldn't know it. He doesn't spend a dime of his money and really wants to be a kept man. Is sick! I remember going way overboard for him for Christmas every year. I knew in my head from the beginning that he wanted to be bought I just wanted his love.

#14 Nov 28 - 12PM (Reply to #26)

empath

everyone should take note of what you said here...

Agnes...the OW in your case is an MD and a psychiatrist, and they lasted 10 months. This is an vivid illustration of how these manipulative, exploitive men are so able to fool others. If someone with professional training that should have been able to spot this was fooled....and swindled out of resources...that speaks volumes. No one here should feel bad or victimize themselves in any way for "allowing" themselves to be abused. Our biggest mistake was simply operating according to the standards we take for granted...we assume other people are normal and healthy and have empathy and compassion and play by the same rules as everyone else does. No one walks into a relationship with an N knowing what they are getting into. If we knew what we were dealing with early on, none of us would be here on this site...we'd have run from the N before being affected by them. We are targets, not victims.

#15 Nov 29 - 7AM (Reply to #27)

Happy1

Empath

The OW with my narc right now is a doctor and that's made me feel very bad. I've felt that maybe it is me. Maybe I am messed up and just don't trust But he really did hone on that and made t q hundred times worse I hope the doctor stops buying his love soon

#16 Nov 27 - 3PM

Amazed

They make their move whenever

Once he realized you werent a door mat, he knew he would have to find a supply who would take him in and not bat an eyelash. Doesn't matter how well you treated him, you opened your home and your heart to him, all he was looking for was a way to be irresponsible, end of story.. The betray you with the 'sweetest' stories,,oh,,,I am doing this to have more money for us.....heard the same dang thing!!! ALL A LIE...problem is they lie to such a sever degree, and you would never ever know. They have not guilt, no remorse, no attachment, no bond, he will do the same to this Doctor end of story. Stay away!!! Run for your life in the other direction!!!

#17 Nov 29 - 7AM (Reply to #24)

Happy1

Amazed

Yes and I'm sure he is feeding her so much bull. I know the ex wife hasn't met the doctor yet and I know why. Because the ex wife and I got along while the narc and I dated and we shard some bad stories. He wouldn't want the good doctor to find out he's a cheating fraud

#18 Nov 27 - 12PM

Ann28

iv been the OW my narc ran to

iv been the OW my narc ran to after he got kicked to the curb. unfortunately, i too, fell for the lies. its unlikely that the Doctor knows the truth. i know i didnt. and yes, her day will come too, as did mine. as a future fellow victim, id suggest overlapping your anger with a dash of sympathy when she'd D&D'd soon. its sad, its a cycle, and it needs to be stopped. the only thing that gets me thru my x-narc, is knowing the OW he's with now is going to know the truth soon. its inevitable. take comfort in Karma, she's the only bi-atch on your side, honey! keep looking foward!

#19 Nov 29 - 7AM (Reply to #22)

Happy1

Ann28

I hope his mask slides quickly but I don't see it happening as LNG as she's willing to pay for everything. He's in heaven

#20 Nov 27 - 10AM

sara-smile

Happy......Why now?

Because YOU saw through his bullshit and kicked him to the curb! She obviously hasn't figure out what a lying, cheating dirt bag he is! He is living with her NOW because he doesn't have to pay bills and she is blind to his psycho games. Do you think he's being faithful to her? Being honest with her? LOVES HER? NO...NO and NO! It's all the same for each of us. It doesn't matter how much money you have or what your status is or title! Narcs don't discriminate! They USE whoever is most available. I talked to my Narcs OW about 3 weeks ago and it was very very sad. She's miserable and he treats her HORRIBLE. She told me they were living together and he's been telling me for months that they casually date! LOL!! He keeps her around because she cooks, cleans and takes care of HIS kids. They always have a selfish reason. It has nothing to do with her and EVERYTHING to do with his sick ass needs!!! Don't fool yourself into thinking he's loving every minute of it. HE IS NOT! It's something he's doing because he NEEDS something from her. It's all complete bullshit! I know the holidays are hard but you can get through this. You've been doing amazing!! Your life and your sons life is MUCH MUCH better without that psycho in your life. Hugs! Sara

#21 Nov 27 - 11AM (Reply to #18)

Happy1

sara-smile

I don't know if I would have felt different if he lived here rent free if I made more than him. The doctor probably does make more than him... I don't know. But I know after a while of buy everything for him to make him happy I started feeling used, but it took me over 3 years to finally say 'no more'. Thank you for sharing your story of the OW. I guess I'm hoping the doctor is getting what she deserved because she was part of our lives for over 3 years. She was always willing to take crumbs for him for a weekend every 3-4 months when he would break up with me. I feel like my son are doing well, but I do feel crazy for not just letting this go. Time time time.... 8-) Thanks so much sara-smile! Hugs!

#22 Nov 27 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

sara-smile

Happy

After I talked to the OW I went through a really really hard time. I was obsessing like crazy and they consumed my thoughts because of all the lies I found out about and because she let him get away with everything I told her about. It drove me nuts. I went to see my therapist a few days after that and after he got through telling me it was NOT a good idea to talk to her he told me that it was a trigger being back in the circus of his life again and that is why I was obsessing so bad. I still have things that trigger me and I obsess some but I don't do it as much anymore. This time of year is a MAJOR trigger for you. Be patient with yourself and focus on the bad. I promise this "bump in the road" will pass. You know what he is but the triggers are still hard to deal with. You're not crazy! He's crazy! I bought my idiot all kinds of things, paid his bills, bought his kids clothes and Christmas presents etc etc! They are greedy bastards that don't care who it comes from as long as its coming. I make more money than the OW but she could give him something that he needed more than money! She could spend every waking moment with him and cater to his every need 24/7! He always wanted me to do that and I couldn't. She babysits his kids all the time and she thinks they are raising a family together. I wanted to explain to her so bad that keeping his kids for him is NOT raising a family but she wouldn't have listened anyway. They will go to whoever can cater to them the most WITHOUT ANY QUESTIONS BEING ASKED!!!! Once you start figuring out something is OFF and start asking questions then you aren't as useful to them anymore. That is their greatest fear! The mask being ripped off. I use to think that was nonsense until I really started healing and realized it is so true. They want to keep up that "GOD IMAGE" they create. It feeds them. If you don't look at them like God then you aren't as useful to them anymore. Sick bastards! You're gonna be just fine. You're life is better and you seem to be having the best time traveling with Hunter and your son and LIVING your life. You couldn't have done any of that if the psycho was still in your life. It would have been all about him him him! This will pass....I promise! :)

#23 Nov 29 - 7AM (Reply to #20)

Happy1

Sara smile

Thanks! I do hope this passes and I can finally get him out of my head That's all I want for Christmas

#24 Nov 27 - 10AM

empath

Happy 1

This guy triangulated you with the doctor, and probably triangulated the doctor with you. All he was looking for was who would do a better job of buttering his bread and paying his way...he is a leech! No doubt he used the "poor me" angle to dupe the doctor...would not be surprised if he told her you broke off the enggement to him! These bastwrds are sick and they use and abuse...why you are still falling back into hurt feelings after all this time upsets me...please look into your future and think if how much better off you are not having to pay this Guy's way, and how much worse off you would be, if you were still paying his way! You deserve so much better than to have a money-grubbing parasite like him in your life....please learn to see how blessed you are, that he has found another target to brainwash and take advantage of! And remember that the OW is irrelevant...she will be on the D&D pile someday too, and that day will come as soon as she decides to stop paying this loser's way too! Please stop beating yourself up with curiosity over what the N is doing. He will always be an N, he will always be an unloving, money-grubbing sleazeball, and you will always be better off without him than you would have been with him!

#25 Nov 27 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

Sea

Oh yes Empath! The narcs love

Oh yes Empath! The narcs love to triangulate!! I so bloody hate this! Makes u crazy. Makes the other person crazy as well. Dont fall for it Happy1.

#26 Nov 27 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

Happy1

empath

I've had a lot of mixed emotions these past few weeks after hearing he has moved in with the Doctor rent free. It bothers me that he has of course moved on and I don't feel I have fully. It bothers me that he did have us in a triangle for over 3 years and she thinks she has won. It's all crazy thinking I know. I am not sitting and crying, but he is still on my mind quite a bit. I now do look at men and do not compare them to Michael for the most part which is a plus. For some reason I have it in my head that he was so good looking and he wasn't at all. His personality sucks and he's a thug. I know curiosity of what the narc is doing is a bad thing and we need to focus on us and move on. It's the hardest part of it. Not being curious of what he is doing. I still feel obsessed in a way, but not that I want him back. I want her to get what she has coming too. She knew she was part of the triangle for 3 years and waited for him. I keep repeating to myself that they both deserve eachother and who knows.... maybe she is a narc too.

#27 Nov 27 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

empath

she didn't win...

You won! She's paying his bills! Please, change your thinking...she is not your enemy she is simply his meal ticket...and you deserve so much better!

#28 Nov 27 - 9AM

Used

happy1

HAPPY1, I know this hurts like HELL, but as I read your post, what came to mind was this PARASITE, showed who he was earlier enough not to drain you dry, b/c you were strong enough to tell him...NO THAT WON'T DO.....So he had to look for another *HOST*, well he found her...cos that is all she is to him. * A HOST*, That he can *DRAIN DRY*..., I know you cannot see it yet b/c you are so HURT, but one day, you will see what a lucky ESCAPE you and your SON have had...In giving you just one months money ,and then leaving, tells you why he was with you...To live RENT FREE, AND TO BE A KEPT MAN.....I am so glad to put him right....when the fog has cleared and anger and hurt gone....Then you will see...IT WAS NEVER YOU, IT WAS ALWAYS HIM....BEING, A PARASITE AND A FRIGGEN PONCE....You wouldnt have wanted your SON to have been bought up in that enviroment, where he would have eventually relised, you paid for everything for this parasite.....ITS BEST LIKE THIS....can you imagine if you had spent years with him.....TERRIBLE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE...XXX

#29 Nov 27 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

Happy1

Used

The anger is still there and I don't know how long it will take me to let go of it. I haven't dated in a year and have focused on my son and I and we had a good year. I just hate that it seems like my narc has come out on top blossoming with rent free stupid doctor. She's so happy she finally got him after all these years that she's willing to do whatever to keep him I guess. Sickening! My son was a different little boy a year ago when I was with my narc and I clearly see a HUGE HUGE difference in him a year later. He is only 9 and is such a loving little boy and helped me with our big Thanksgiving dinner this year and we sat together the next morning because he wanted to look at the ads in the paper with me and plan our Christmas party with family Christmas Eve. That's something we wouldn't have done together had the narc been here. I love my son and I know that we have a much better life without narc. You are so very right! Thanks!

#30 Nov 27 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

Used

happy1

You are welcome...and another thing...don't you think that she knows she is BUYING HIM, SHE KNOWS!!!!!!!!. As we knew things when we were with them but chose to ignore them.....I wouldnt want someone who could be bought.......how low he is... GOING GOING GONE TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER.... HE IS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE A MALE WHORE...xxxx

#31 Nov 27 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

Susan32

The Price is Right(?)

"She knows she is buying him"- I felt that way when it came to the ex-Psych prof&his curator girlfriend (now wife) I was a college student without income... she was financially well-off. He went from an apartment to a house... thanks to her. I assume curators (she also works for the state government) get paid better than college professors. She used to work at LACMA. I didn't see the ex-P as someone who could be bought. I don't see love as something with a price tag on it. The ex-P would say "what if I dumped you for an heiress?" because in "War and Peace",Nicholas Rostov coldly dumps his childhood sweetheart, the orphan Sonya, because she's poor and he marries a rich Princess who has inherited a load of money. The ex-P would call himself a male prostitute. So, he wasn't always projecting. He thought it was great that his idol, Leo Tolstoy, was financially dependent on his wife Sofia. I don't want a man who thinks love is equivalent to something you can buy on eBay.

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