Being a Target

Stay single lol. ;) Seriously I have no idea, but I plan to find out and I dont plan to ever date again until I have the answer and Im good at it. I think if we reject the initial red flags advances...

Narcissus was attracted to, or totally absorbed by, a REFLECTION of himself, not his true self. So on the face of it, he`s attracted to all the wonderful qualities we have, and he would like to have, particularly: empathy kindness generosity consideration gratitude the capacity for enjoyment the capacity for love the capacity to feel the capacity to bond truly with others the capacity to interact authentically with others plus any talents, sexiness or physical attraction we may have which will reflect on him or give him pleasure. However, what I think also attracts him to us is the level at which we have the potential to reflect what he TRULY is, particularly: self-hatred self-disgust sense of unworthiness insecurity feelings of being unloved feelings of being unloveable terror of rejection feeling that no-one would want to stay with us if they saw our true colors. So at the beginning, he magnifies and exaggerates the qualities in the first group of our attributes in the course of the classic psychopathic "love-bombing", to get us hooked, not just on him but on dopamin, oxytocin and co. And when he`s got us firmly hooked, he begins to magnify and exaggerate any attributes we may have in the second category, which go to make up his TRUE inner picture. The most tragic and painful aspect of this bitterly cruel double-bind is that a person who knows him- or herself to be kind, generous, talented and loveable, yet who still has a diffuse sense of unworthiness or unloveability, is going to be particularly susceptible to both these phases of distortion, to both these manipulation tactics. I think it is this combination of attributes that makes us both particularly attractive and particularly susceptible to narcs. So, how to avoid it? Strong boundaries, yes of course. People with no inner sense of self-hatred or unworthiness, people with healthy self-esteem, usually just HAVE strong boundaries and don`t have to work to draw or maintain them. We do. Many of us don`t even know where our boundaries are, how to go about defining them, still less how to draw or maintain them. A boundary is something I am not prepared to accept or tolerate. Drawing a boundary means saying "No" to something. Maintaining a boundary means making someone who violates your "no" carry the consequences (like going NC). Defining, setting and maintaining boundaries gives us back our sense of worth, which in turn makes it easier for us to define, set and maintain boundaries. It is a nurturing circle, as opposed to the vicious circle most of us have been drawn into with narcs., that of allowing our boundaries to be violated without taking appropriate action (though we may have threatened to), giving rise to further violation of our boundaries, with a consequent complete erosion of our self-esteem. At that point, if he mirrors back to us how despicable we are, how low, how degraded, we accept that mirroring, because that is how we FEEL. Which is why NC is so important. NC is one great boundary - it gives us back our self-esteem. Who cares if he respects us more or less because of it? The important thing is, we respect ourselves more. So - define, set, and maintain boundaries is one part of the solution. And becoming aware of any lack of self-love is the other. We may not be able to heal it so quickly, but we can become aware of it. This way, we can become aware whether someone is just pouring on praise and adulation to get us hooked, or really likes and values us. We can become aware of the difference when we are aware from what part of ourselves we are responding to someone`s attention - the mature adult part of ourselves which sees itself clearly, warts and all, the the hurt insecure part of ourselves which still yearns to be nurtured and loved unconditionally because we haven`t yet learned to love ourselves. And loving ourselves starts with getting acquainted with our warts, so let`s go, ladies! Lotsa Love Tigerlily

What I have learned is, everyone is a target. It's the one's who fall for their scam that becomes the victim. They know after talking with you a little bit wheather your worth the effort or not. If you have strong boundries in place and make them earn their place in your life-they will run. They look for kind hearted and giving people. People who love everyone. I use to be that girl:)