The Beginning of Anger

Awake all night, thinking, I finally realized really for the first time, that the only people I've ever allowed myself to be angry with are my father and my ex-husband. And from that came the realization that I have a right to be angry at my ex. No just because of the way he treated me when I drove all those hours to his house but because of how dispensable I have been to him -- easy to pick up, easy to put back down. Like an object and not one of much value. No person should be treated like that. I have beaten myself so many times for not just going with the flow when he asked me to think about marrying him in February. Now he is in a committed relationship with someone else. How horrible it would have been for me to be married to someone who cared so little about me that they could move on to someone else that quickly. I realize I've always been afraid to own my anger but I have a right to it and as it slowly integrates into me, my smile will become genuine again; I'll become closer to being my actualized self. I'm not talking about some rage. The anger, even now, is a small whispering thing and, for me, I don't think it will ever be anything big; but it will be expressed and owned. So a part of closure for me is the realization that, in the end, he gave me this huge gift. He helped me hit rock bottom so I could start to get up. I remember one of our first conversations, the first time we tried being together, entailed his asking me why I would want to be with him when he was admitting that he didn't know how to form emotional attachments, me scrambling for an answer because I didn't want to tell him that way why I wanted to be with him, that I was only ever attracted to men I couldn't really have in order to try to re-create my father/daughter relationship. I was just about to do it again. A friend (of both of ours) wrote me this week and asked me to come spend some time with him at a camp he's helping run this summer. The last time I saw him, we were talking about me ex and his non-availability emotionally. The new guy (who is really nice in many ways), placed his hand on mine and said "You know that's interesting because I find it hard to be emotionally available too." He told me, right out, and I've been slowly internally wending my way towards him ever since, like a fish allowing itself to be lured in. It took a sleepless last night for me to get out of denial and realize I was getting ready to head down the same path. Work for me to do on me. No concern about hearing I'm sorry or needing anything else from ex -- that's all between him and God. I've apologized for the drama I created in his life (which I did; not as much as he created in mine, but I did and I take responsibility for it). He's still an open sore but he's healing. And I hope for that insight about the feelings laying underneath for everyone today.