Becoming One of Them?

I have displayed some tasteless behavior since this ordeal unfolded and i fear being a NP as well. I dont make eye contact with anyone, and am acting like a hermit. I hope this passes, I dont want him to have the power to take everything from me. I use to be a happy go lucky person, and now I feel like a big scar. I hate him for doing this to me, but i am very angry at my poor choices as well. i am scared I wont love again. I hope thats not true. :(

I talked to my therapist at length about 1) taking on the traits I hated the most about him 2) losing empathy and compassion for others, especially those I'm close to and 3) having anger at everything, unbelievable consuming rage at a starbucks employee where I wanted to take the cheese plate and throw it at the coffee maker. So i'm hoping that it's normal and all part of the process:) However, she did talk to me about a really interesting phenomenon and the interplay of sadism and masochism in abusive patterns. She said that we have been abused and instead of being masochistic and taking it, we have left - but sometimes - if still engaging with the other - you take on their sadistic role, which in turn makes you feel sick. Which is why revenge rarely makes us feel better and why the "if you want revenge, dig two graves" makes sense to me. Because being or acting like them is as revolting as being abused by them. I am hoping my compassion and empathy come back as everyone says it will and I know yours will. I would take all of the compassion you have for others and give it to yourself in this time, and not feel bad about not having it for others in addition to feeling bad about a zillion other things. If in say, 4-5 months of NC or limited contact, you still feel the exact same way, reevaluate but for now, you are doing your best and have not turned into him - believe me and eveyrone on this site - that post could not have been written by a narc:)

I have had this too. I have very little tolerance for anyone at the moment. I do think it will ease off in time. But the slightest step over the line by anyone at the moment and I get fuming. I have had some conflict with my manager recently because of her gaslighting me about something. Am thinking of getting another job because of it although I am taking my time over that decision.

All very normal feelings............I can promise you that you won't become one. We may become hardened in our recovery, that s a defense mechanism. But it soon lifts, along with everything else negative, you will see. Stay strong!

Yes! Me too, I noticed behaviours to myself. I was raised by a N parent too, but it`s gotten worse, after I bumped into the Narc boys in my life. Sometimes I wonder too, when reading Ns description of behaviours, and how they lose relationships and have no friends, "f*ck, this is ME righ now!". I want to be independent and all you know, but don`t want to turn into a Narc :( to not to trust nobody, and be afraid to give affection. But afterall, these are only normal sympoms of trauma, after abuse. Hope they`ll pass. At least, we aknowledge we have a problem! Narcs never do!

can become needy and beaten down and start to behave as the N, but it is only temporary. I think I did begin to pull back emotionally, bc of the abuse. I mean, it's hard to be smiley and loving when someone is f'ing with your head and emotions. Towards the end, I was getting that grossed out feeling when he wanted to have sex. I guess that's a sign I did the right thing in leaving. At other times, I retaliated. Sure, he'd give me ST, criticize, blame and do other forms of emotional abuse, and it downright pissed me off! It's part of survival. I hear ya though, bc my family is filled with N's and my mom is one. We aren't in jeopardy of just becoming one though. The PD is formed in childhood and part of personality is genetically inherited. As a girl, I was sensitive (my dad said this too) and caring for others, always careful to not hurt others' feelings. I fit the description of an empath and almost my whole life get described as "sweet," so even though I may wonder at times, I just shrug it off.