Becoming ONE

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#1 Oct 4 - 1PM

imabloke

Becoming ONE

Thought i would share this with you guys today.. and this site is about US (not them!) and sharing our experiences.. just been to see my therapist today.. and had an 'aha' moment..

We've been talking for a few sessions and i always seem to go back to my last relationship (with my ex 'n') and my therapist keeps telling me to focus on me - but as i keep saying to my therapist this is why i am here because of her! and she (my ex) is the symptom and i need to at least learn something from this! I know i have issues that go back a long way and i feel this last emotional trauma has brought stuff to the surface and i have noticed other members questioning their possible abuse as kids and maybe we attract needy people etc.. just a thought.

Anyway - I was explaining to her that she (my ex) would mirror me - it seemed i had found the one - she liked everything i liked, etc.. etc... i knew my ex was in therapy had issues etc. but felt i could be with her, help her etc,. my empathy, blah blah.. and i felt during the relationship i was losing my identity.. trying to become someone she (my ex) wanted me to be, and when the relationship ended i felt i lost part of myself, i felt i had sold my soul in the relationship.
My therapist then said 'you became one'
I thought OMG - i am talking to some one at last who understands.. and OMG do i feel so much better for it..

Thing is - it seems that i'm attracted to needy people, insecure people, like me, possibly.. that i have something..
At the time i met my ex, i was very happy, strong in myself, I knew myself, knew what i wanted out of life etc. and all this was reflected back to me when i met her.. I know i'm going over old ground but as we know we all want to be loved so perhaps I fell in love with myself?
That's just it - '2 becoming one' - they are so empty and they just take it from us.. and we then 'become one' - engulfed - and that's why it hard to break away! That's why it's intoxicating!

I also said that she (my ex) could have had everything with me absolutely everything.. and she (my ex) just chucked it away, probably the best chance of happiness she could have ever had.
My therapist brought me down to earth with 'yes but at what cost to you!'
So true.. NC the only way.. sad really.

#2 Oct 8 - 8AM

blueeyes

Whoa...

I had the same therapy appointment conversation last night. Focus on me me me ! I am not doing this. I focus on him and what has happened too much. Whew, I am looking for the end!

#3 Oct 8 - 8AM

MsVulcan500

I see what your therapist

I see what your therapist was saying. At the beginning, when we meet someone, we are all trying to put our best foot forward. We also try to find all of those little commonalities so we feel more connected to them. At the same time, they are doing the same with us. But the narc takes it to the next level. We all have some level of narcissism, and when the narc is mirroring us our narcissism comes out because we think they are so great because they're like us. We start letting them rule our entire lives in order to please them. We give and give and give some more. Then, when they D&D us we are empty because they've sucked the life out of us. We are now empty like the narc. The big difference is, we come out of it. We get our lives back and become normal again. The narc never does.

#4 Oct 8 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

imabloke

MsV...

Sooooo true... Knowledge is power... Thanx

#5 Oct 8 - 8AM (Reply to #17)

Used

msvulcan500

absolutly agree with your every word... i completly submerged my personality 4 times.. for my mother i was the submissive daughter she wanted...same with my father.. and then with myexh and then the narc... i remember thinking once who am i ?.. i am having identity crisis.. and then when i stopped wanting them and became my self..specially with my mother she said things like arent you getting argumentive..lol... no mum just taking just taking my power back.. i went nc with her 7 years ago. i never went back on it.. i done the same to myexh and then narc .... and i will not give my power to anybody again. i also look back and think they werent even "special" only in my head....and with myexh and mother is was such a power struggle... me in the middle of the 2 of them trying to please them both.. they have all apoligised for their behavior... and said i was the best thing that ever happened to them..... i couldnt care less what they say or do .... as long as they know they all gave me something so special in the end..... my self worth back...my self esteem and my freedomxxxxx

#6 Oct 8 - 1PM (Reply to #18)

imabloke

aceptance...

I've had the same with my dad... long story... "as long as they know they all gave me something so special in the end..... my self worth back...my self esteem and my freedomxxxxx" OMG i know i'm getting there... Oh yes I'm getting there!!!! thanx..

#7 Oct 8 - 7AM

tica

The Troubled souls

Defining boundries is what we can thank the XN/s for teaching us..they actually make us HAVE to learn this~ since leaving this relationship, I can now set boundries, where before, I stepped in to be nice, and then found myself in a predicament. i believe that the ones (us) who get the most scarred from the XN'x are those who really gave it all...not the one night stands, the casual lover..but the ones (us) who were the best for them, we KNOW because we knew it FIT, was so RIGHT. etc...but ILLUSION..we had it all just OURSELVES..they are so shallpw, that they just imitate, it's an act,(ouch!) and we are so SHOCKED that they could be doing that..best we keep moving on without lookig back..our LOVE is too big for the N, they get restless and scared, yet they depend on us..weird how they bite the hand that feeds them,,really very child like, very disordered..let's just be grateful to be able to clear the path of N's to find someone who is real and so much better suited. thanks for posting, wondered how you were making out..keep strong, stay on the path

#8 Oct 7 - 9PM

almostlydia

Got to disagree with the

Got to disagree with the therapist, it's not about becoming one, it's about selling out everything you are and succumbing to them and just thinking you are one. The only thing you really became was them, their life, there everything. There was nothing of you left. Sorry, I think therapist are the most screwed up people of all in general. So you should always look for the red flags there too. this statement would have been one for me. almostlydia

almostlydia

#9 Oct 5 - 9PM

apple

Hi Imabloke!

I can sooooo relate, I get the same thing from my therapist. I keep wanting answers for why he treated me the way he did and she responds with its not about him! It's about why you let someone treat you like shi* and why you still want to be with him. Its so hard to explain to her why I just want so badly to wrap my brain around why he is the way he is. Why nothing was ever good enough. Anyways, he used to tell me he was insecure all the time. I never really understood why he was though. Also, a long time ago, I used to think we were exactly alike!! He had this weird ability to say the exact same things to me as I was feeling or should be saying to him. It really messed with my mind. I still don't understand it. I hope you are doing better Imabloke and thanks for sharing!

#10 Oct 6 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

imabloke

You're right...

Hi Cherryblossom Christ she said some awful shit to me.. and i carried on loving her.. but in a way i was in love with myself! - no wonder i was so fucked up... I am getting better tho - it's understanding what has happened to us. It's brain washing and we need to de programme ourselfs.. i was a bit worried about putting up this post as i think i'm the only man on this site.. as i do feel a bit intimidated.. sorry girls... i'm only being honest and i think its only natural for a guy to feel like this.. and SOME guys do have feelings. LOL. But i'm so glad i did as people are coming back with the same issues.

#11 Oct 7 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

apple

I'm thankful you're on this site...

Infact, your responses to my posts helped me so much BECAUSE it was coming from a bloke. lol Anyways, I have reached the anger stage. Instead of being sad all the time I'm down right pissed off. I never allowed myself to feel that before even with all the cruel nasty stuff he would say and do. I became a complete doormat and that's never happened to me before. I would have never put up with this behavior from anyone else. For me it was all the little bits of abuse that just kept getting worse until I was reduced to NOTHING. It is really true that we were just in love with ourselves and the fantasy of what we desperatly wanted them to be... kind, loving, honest people. How else could we have loved people that treated us this way?

#12 Oct 7 - 11PM (Reply to #13)

Susan32

So he doesn't leave dirty tracks in my mind,he's the doormat

The recent death of a classmate brought back the anger stage in me... something I repressed during the D&D. It's like the good times NEVER EXISTED. They were mirages. And we all know a mirage in an empty,merciless desert is only an illusion. After all the nasty cruel stuff the ex-Psych professor did, there are times that if I knew how to twist the knife in him, I'd do it. I know he'd get off on anger and hatred--okay, so nothing angry or hateful. But passive-aggressive? Yes. In total disregard for his feelings? Yes. I don't need his damn approval. I can see why some posters here say "I wouldn't flaunt my happiness on purpose to hurt the N/P." Well, I certainly would! And from experience, I HAVE! It's kept the ex-P away for a decade. I talked to a friend several months ago and said "Sometimes being happy and wishing happiness on others is the best revenge." I came here and saw... I was RIGHT. It wasn't till I came here that I realized flaunting my happiness, bragging about my writing, having 3 editors who love my writing, bragging about living in a place of scenic beauty, would indeed hurt the ex-P. Not that I'd regret it. If flaunting my happiness hurt him... well, I'm capable of something! Makes me feel powerful! Instead of me, he's under my thumb.

#13 Oct 4 - 9PM

moonshine

imabloke

Insightful post. Thanks for sharing. I also felt as if I found the one who i was looking for...I was in ecstasy each minute. The energy and compatibility between us was GREAT (only to be discarded by the N saying that we are very different people and its all in your mind). It was all in my mind. It hurts to think that way of the good times. I also felt that he could have a great life with me ...we would go on having fun and wonder about life talking etc etc. Now he lives alone in a big house(where i used to live together with him)...but he seems happy. My mind is still recovering from shock. I also felt that I was loosing my identity because he would talk about all the features of women that I dont have. I felt terrible. I am on NC and it has helped my mind to shut a bit on those thoughts. I wish you the best in your recovery. Keep sharing your thoughts.

#14 Oct 4 - 3PM

Mariline

also said that she (my ex)

also said that she (my ex) could have had everything with me absolutely everything.. and she (my ex) just chucked it away, probably the best chance of happiness she could have ever had. ...can I ask you what do you exactly mean with this?

#15 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

imabloke

Mariline...

“Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people… not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!” – A.V. I honestly believe this quote.. and judging by what i have read here, you are all gems too.. they seem to be the contradiction... destroy the very things that 'could' make them happy. I was (until recently) prepared to give up everything to be with her. God i was hooked. I sold my soul. They don't realise what they are throwing away. And in a way I am taking that what has happened to me ie. the DD as a blessing. Also i don't think they'll be happy with anyone because no one is good enough. Just my penny's worth.

#16 Oct 5 - 12AM (Reply to #7)

Mariline

iamabloke... they really do

iamabloke... they really do not get what the lose. It is all projection, projection, projection. They think it is you who are losing the blessing of his presence but whay you are losing is a farce. They also think they can con us.....but they cannot, really.

#17 Oct 5 - 12AM (Reply to #8)

Susan32

Know what you lost!!!

The ex-Psych professor hasn't contacted me in a decade... thank goodness, because I'd probably just... ignore him. Or laugh and post it here. No wonder when I broke NC it was about bragging about the beautiful place where I now live, my writing career, a travelogue of Boston (which surely drove him into paranoia-but it would've been a waste of my damn time to seek out his former victims in Worcester, I mean, REALLY) It was like I was saying, "Yes, you were teacher, and I know you can't appreciate my accomplishments! Ha ha ha! I know you can't apologize because you are as immature as my baby nephew, whose father has the same name as yours! ROFLMAO!!!!" It's not like he didn't have any vulnerabilities. I went straight for 'em... As someone here said, "Show empathy and kindness and the Ns go for them and worm their way back into your lives." Since he got grant money, I'd be tempted to ask if he got that by doing what's only legal in Nevada... he DID compare himself to a prostitute once... and I forget NOTHING...

#18 Oct 4 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

sweetsamm

imabloke....

Hey...i was just talking to a male friend of mine...telling him that my ex started cheating on me with the ugliest,dumbest,lowclass girls in town....it's not so much about looks(well,maybe a little since the one looks a lot like alice cooper and the other mr.Ed,lol), but mostly that these women have no personalities and are borderline retarded..I'm not einstein, but i know not to say 'i seen that'(mr.ed's favorite), or not knowing the difference between there,their,or they're.., anyway, he discarded me for these dummies..my friend said 'He sounds insecure and it was about him,not you'..made me feel better. And you saying they discard the most precious gems of people also makes me feel better...:)

#19 Oct 4 - 1PM

Briseis

My exNarc kept saying things

My exNarc kept saying things like "You and me against the world, against everything!" and he used words like "us" when he talked about his own thoughts and feelings. Like he assumed I thought the same (or else!). He "used" my body like it belonged to him. Not just sexually, but would grab and poke and move me around by force as if I were one of his toys. This is such an interesting subject. Makes me wonder if the "perfect storm" is a relationship between an over empathic, appeasing and self-effacing personality type and a Narc.

#20 Oct 4 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

imabloke

It makes me wonder too...

In the words of Eminem.. '...when a tornado meets a volcano' oh, and his lyrics are about abusive relationships.. we're not alone... thank God

#21 Oct 4 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

gettinbetter

yep

Its the tornadoe meets the volcanoe for sure atleast in my case

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