The bastard

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#1 Mar 30 - 3PM

loveofmylife

The bastard

Came in to work today at 11:30. He only works here one day/week. And is on a new lunch date...been gone for over an hour...and he tell me he is in a "serious, and committed relationship" But he swears he isn't doing this to hurt me. I am reading too much into it. But why does he have a new date every time he works here....which is only one day/week.

#2 Apr 2 - 9AM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

yes!!....we're white noise......

for over fifteen years, i was to speak only when spoken to...that was one of the many edicts he issued...and if i spoke to him..or answered a question in more than four or five words...he would fly into a rage......'shut the fuck up, bitch...i don't want a fucking manifesto...i want a simple short reply'....not only that..i'd heard him do that to other people too...only women...women at title companies...realtors...mortgate brokers...but only women...'get to the point!..i don't want to hear a manifesto!....not a day goes by that i don't wish i'd answered him one day with something short and sweet and to the point...a .38 hollow point...

#3 Apr 2 - 7AM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

A NARC OR PSYCHOPATH'S VOCABULARY VS. DOG

my DOGS have a much larger vocabulary that the psychonarc...and that's a FACT....when you talk to a worthless NARC or Psychopath they do NOT COMPREHEND what you are saying.....here's an example of the difference between your average dog and your average Narc.... 'if you don't stop pissing on my rose bushes, i'm going to spank you, and you'll get no treats today..and i won't take you for a walk'.... the dog hears and comprehends this.... 'stop..pissing..bushes..spank..no treats..won't walk'..... the NARC hears and comprehends this... 'you...you..you..you..'.....

#4 Apr 7 - 10PM (Reply to #46)

Scooters Mom

Readers Digest Version Please

Mine would ask me if I would start at the end of the story and work my way to the beginning or could he just hear the readers digest version? It would not really make me feel like opening my mouth.

#5 Apr 2 - 8AM (Reply to #45)

aceonelady

is true narcnarc...

My ex N always told me : You can stop asking or explaining things to me,when you talk all i hear is white noise,like a tv that is on after they stopped program broadcasting...I found it humiliating ,disrespectful i felt like he was gaging me...i still get angry when i think about it...

Aceonelady

#6 Apr 1 - 8PM

Barbara (not verified)

loveofmylife

just say THAT'S NICE and ignore... PLEASE STOP BEING AROUND WHEN HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who gives a rats *** what he says or does? obviously you still do and 'exercise' ain't cutting thru your Cognitive Dissonance... did you TELL him "you're doing this to hurt me" and he denied it? are you CRAZY? he's a liar, a PATHOLOGICAL LIAR... why are you even still SAYING ANYTHING TO HIM OR TRYING TO REASON WITH HIM!!!! he's not HUMAN!!!!!! if his lips are moving he's LYING.. get back to therapy ASAP! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#7 Apr 1 - 9PM (Reply to #31)

loveofmylife

Barbara

I kind of understand what Cognitive Dissonance is. But can you explain it in a sentence? I interpret it to be confusion as to whats up/down, right/wrong, what to do.... Yes, I said "why would you open me up to hurt by bringing dates through here". He responded "I did not do this to hurt you. It was convenient for me, blah, blah, and I am going to continue to live my life without living on pins and needles, being worried about what you feel. And you need to accept that"

#8 Apr 2 - 10AM (Reply to #34)

dysenchanted

N translation

"I did not do this to hurt you. It was convenient for me, blah, blah, and I am going to continue to live my life without living on pins and needles, being worried about what you feel. And you need to accept that" Means: YES!!!!!!!! You acknowledge that you are hurt, which is exactly what I wanted. I went to a lot of trouble setting this up, and wow..did it ever pay off. I feel powerful knowing that I can cause you pain, and I intend to continue to torture you at every opportunity.

#9 Apr 2 - 12PM (Reply to #41)

windycitygirl

response

is #1 in their live...i don't think it matters what kind of any kind of response they can get...i still am living with my n...3 years of marriage and until recently didn't know what was going on...however, when i found this site, well, let me tell you, his life has never been the same since...LOL>>>>don't dish it if you can't take it...that is my motto...you want crap? I'll show you crap...he has not known what hit him...it took a little practice but...i am fine tuneing...until i can get out. i have gone from crying, ALL the time and just about nuts, to realizing that to survive until i can break away, i have to CHOOSE to act my part...that is what i am doing acting a part...he is definitely not enjoying what is happening here... I would leave but have to get a job and a place to go...

#10 Apr 2 - 2PM (Reply to #42)

wallaby (not verified)

Good for you windycitygirl!

Sounds like you took the info and support you got here and really ran with it! It's such a relief, isn't it, when you finally know what you're dealing with! Bravo an best to you in the getting a job and new place. I am in the same place of "acting" the part - to get various things I need business wise from my N- but the pain and charge has gone as I have unraveled who he is. What's funny is that I think they are fine with us playing a part - they don't care what we feel or if we are "faking" they just want us to say our lines...weird.

#11 Apr 2 - 2PM (Reply to #43)

windycitygirl

when i read enough

to know what was happening in my life, it was like cataract surgery, i guess....i went from totally confused,emotional, and almost destroyed to, yeah!!!! this is what is going on...it took awhile to process, but i just kept reading and then, i took action...or rather inaction...no response...LOL!!!! and watched him react....you could just see him cant his head like a dog, trying to figure out the next move..(NO OFFENSE TO DOGS), the VERY BEST response is NO RESPONSE....I hate to brag but I am so good at it....LOL>>>> I loved him so much, would have done anything for him and of course, I am devastated...BUT..reality is at my age, close to the big 60, I do not CHOOSE to use up any more of my life on someone who didn't even to see fit to put me on his beneficiary retirement plan...even after I had put him on my house deed....he didn't feel the need to even speak to me about it...when i asked about it, he says it is too late now...after the 2 year anniversary of marriage, i can't be added. he said we couldn't afford it at 100 a month... well, he is off my house deed-my house is rented out-i couldn't afford the note...we are in an apt.... i am trying to find a job and then we will see.

#12 Apr 2 - 11AM (Reply to #36)

ForeverLearning

BINGO !!!!!!!! And now for your prize.......

Opps I forgot to mention we're playing Narc Bingo here, you won't like the prize you just won - Drum Roll:::::::::::: a lifetime supply of Viagra!!! ..... most Narcs over 40 have Erectile Dysfunction due to their psychological issues. And I doubt you'd want to swap out for any of the other prizes either - a Japanese blow up doll, high powered gold plated vacuum penis pump, lifetime internet swinger porn channel subscription, all expense paid trip to nudist swinger colony (no condoms allowed!!), or new cell phone with top of the line covert video recording capabilities for those special moments you want to record sexual encounters without your partner's consent. We do also offer all of the above mentioned items in a classy gift basket for that special Narcissist in your life. Delivered in plain brown paper wrapping, 1st class mail of course. Only first class will do for the most discerning Narcissists and Psychopaths!

#13 Apr 2 - 2PM (Reply to #40)

wallaby (not verified)

LOL!!!

Very funny and true. Like the details....

#14 Apr 2 - 1PM (Reply to #39)

Healingnow

narcs over 40

.... most Narcs over 40 have Erectile Dysfunction due to their psychological issues. Well thats interesting, where did you get that from? I'd like to know more about that. There does seem to be a lot of ED on here doesn't there. What if the narc doesn't watch porn etc do they still get this cos of their issues? Why over 40 and why not all their life?

#15 Apr 2 - 11AM (Reply to #37)

dysenchanted

Prize

And I doubt you'd want to swap out for any of the other prizes either - a Japanese blow up doll, high powered gold plated vacuum penis pump, lifetime internet swinger porn channel subscription, all expense paid trip to nudist swinger colony (no condoms allowed!!), or new cell phone with top of the line covert video recording capabilities for those special moments you want to record sexual encounters without your partner's consent. Couldn't I just have a nice coffee mug, or throw blanket? :)

#16 Apr 2 - 2PM (Reply to #38)

Barbara (not verified)

perfect dysenchanted

OMG This is sooo funny!! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#17 Apr 2 - 10AM (Reply to #35)

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

dysenchanted has decoded his spew perfectly!!

agreed....i think that's exactly what he means.....he's getting off on it.....

#18 Apr 2 - 12AM (Reply to #33)

Barbara (not verified)

DO NOT TRY TO TALK TO HIM

DO NOT TRY TO TALK TO HIM ANY MORE!!! That's just ASKING FOR TROUBLE & HURT!!!!! You need to go to the MY BLOG section at left and START READING EVERYTHING. You aren't reading all the blog posts, message board stuff or you'd know a lot of this. ask yourself, "why am I not making use of all the good advice?" Is it because you're not liking what you're hearing so you're AVOIDING everything but your own posts? Or things you WANT to hear? Start reading: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/29/just-because-you-believe-it-doesnt-make-it-true http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/04/01/victims-engage-dangerous-magic-thinking http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/03/11/can-you-love-narcissist http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/02/27/resisting-manipulation http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/02/16/he-said-communication-narcissists-not-possible http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/01/31/detaching-narcissist http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/01/13/there-no-such-thing-safe-level-contact http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/12/22/what-no-contact-means If you wish to continue to leave your sanity and job security up to this soul-sucking, NOT HUMAN predator who is toying with you - then continue to not listen, not read and not absorb what is being told to you. You're in a dangerous position and many people here have given you beautiful advice. This isn't the LOVE of your or anyone else's life - he's a NON-HUMAN pathological. N O C O N T A C T ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#19 Apr 1 - 10PM (Reply to #32)

wallaby (not verified)

You are not getting

that you cant have a conversation that means anything with a N. It's all words with no connection to truth or meaning as with normal people. Words are only used to manipulate to their benefit. Despite many admonitions to the contrary - you continue believe the content of his verbage means something. It does not. Everything is way to position himself with him on top being admired/ hated/ adored/ villified... anything as it means he's on your mind and you are consumed with him. WHich you are. WHich is why he wins all the time with you. I think many people have told you what he says means nothing, Barbara in no uncertain terms (LIPS MOVING EQUAL LYING), yet you still cling onto every word he utters or uttered 20 years ago. Maybe you need NC to get a grip on yourself here? Delve into yourself and try to figure out what is blocking you - maybe Barbara can direct you to some articles that will address this blockage. I know I have read many she has posted on Cognitive Dissonance, Brainwashing, manipulation tactics etc. and I think she addressed many to you as well. Not sure what is holding you up - on going NC for real (not just to yank his chain) and on doing the tough work of how to move on and heal. For me I had to give up the "rush" associated with being in that brainwashed fantasy la-la land which he doled out occasionally. I had to see him for the fraud he is and give up my fantasy of the soulmate thing. Your nomiker says a lot - maybe you need to ditch the "love of your life" fantasy to lighten you load and move ahead. If you don't, I think the Girlfriend is right on - you are WAY vulnerable to being nailed by him and your company taken away. All the vocal pining away and being obviously enamored of him (and coupled with him obviously and vocally stating he does not want to be in a romantic relationship with you) Combined with your boldly stating an unwillingness to go into business mode with him and stay out of "personal" mode even upon his requests to do so - these do not bode well if he attacks and goes for the jugular. He might have real grounds for a law suit that would be hard to throw out as frivolous. You need to back-up fast and try to mend your position while you can. Girlfriend was RIGHT ON with her advice. And so many here have given such great advice to you - all involving NC and backing up and not having these interactions with him. If you don't take all this good advice and if you keep up the same types of contact which you have over the last weeks- you have to ask yourself, "why am I not making use of all the good advice?"

#20 Apr 1 - 9AM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

The Girfriend is right!!

these jerks are back stabbing, throat slashing Judases...figuratively and literally....one of their favorite ploys is the set up....where they become the poor long suffering VICTIM of you.... i wouldn't trust this pile of crap at all......

#21 Apr 1 - 7AM

The Girlfriend ...

Be Careful at Work 'loveofmylife!!!! He may be setting You up!

I meant to post this reply under your post about him sending you emails using 'legal words' after you made a mistake and told him at dinner that he was 'hot'...but it posted up on the top for some reason...anyway... What on earth do you mean by telling him he is 'hot'????.! STOP IT!!!!!He might cost you your job and career...and he may be actually playing and deliberately manipulating his way right into YOUR office with a goal to be in YOUR position! He may litereally want YOUR job. Narcisissts do NOT like being in second place...or being lower on the Totem Pole...at work or anywhere. While you are getting all starry eyed...you are playing right into his hand!!!! The fact that he immediately sends you email 'warnings' with 'legalese' type of words in it...is a form of keeping track and attemting to establish just cause to file a claim against YOU!!!... as his emails CAN be used in court by him to try to establish sexual harrassment or some other situation he may try to accuse you of, and as 'proof' that he sent you 'warnings' and demonstrated feeling upset or was feeling 'harrassed'. DO NOT BE NAIVE! STOP IT! It almost appears as if you are sidetracked by his 'hints' of keeping an 'open door' and being a bit 'dreamy eyed' and foolish about what is really going on here. WAKE UP! And FAST!!!!! GET BUSINESSLIKE! And ONLY communicate in a business manner...nothing personal! Remember these guys are VERY cunning, clever....and DESTRUCTIVE. He may set up all sorts of situations and give you little hints and flirtations...so that when you respond he can claim 'innocence' and that YOU are after him or harrassing him in some manner...making him very 'uncomfortable'...yaddayaddayadda... It might be a good thing to write a business like 'memo' to him and 'everyone' that any form of 'personal behavior' will not be tolerated in a business setting...and be VERY careful in your conduct outside of the office as well. STOP talking about him to ANYONE who might later say you had a 'thing' for him. Narcissists are VERY VERY manipulative...and they can destroy not just your personal life and break your heart...but completely destroy your reputation and career. It appears as if he is manipulating YOU...makes you think he cares in some manner...so you will be responsive...so HE can set up and establish that YOU have a problem working with him because you have 'feelings'... STOP NOW! NO MORE PINING, WONDERING ABOUT HIM, SWOONING, OR JEALOUSY, ETC. OVER THIS GUY!!! Tell him firmly, and in front of a witness...that you will NOT tolerate his flirtations or 'personal' behavior in the work environment...PROTECT YOURSELF!!!! Rethink your behavior and 'feelings' and get real right NOW!!!

#22 Apr 1 - 3PM (Reply to #28)

loveofmylife

Girlfriend

Don't you think it is weird though, that we had a very close personal relationship for 20 years. But once we start to work together, he insists that we can no longer have any personal relationship at all, but only business? And whenever I try to go back to that personal relationship, which is what I've known for 20 years, he screams bloody murder? I told him I can't do this because I don't have a split personality. i can't switch off 20 years of our relationship to suddenly do something different. But I hear what you are saying and you are right. We had another big business blowup yesterday and I've had no communication with him 20 hours, which seems like 10 light years, since we talk to eachother constantly. I think it was the final nail in the coffin.

#23 Mar 31 - 7AM

The Girlfriend ...

Because He 'Appears' Happy...

They LOVE to manipulate and cause hurt...it is another form of 'supply'...and 'attention'...they want ANY emotion they can provoke in you. Don't think he doesn't know the affect he has on you...and no matter what he says...he actually enjoys it and feels some sort of 'power' over you. It validates his sense of being 'so special' that YOU cannot seem to get over him...he flaunts his 'blue eyes and 'happy' demeanor...quite possibly to make you feel hurt and as if your relationship didn't matter that much and 'LOOK! at ME, I am so happy now without YOU!!!"... Remember the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? The evil snake who ruined their life was disguised as 'beautiful'. Don't let those blue eyes and that 'happy' smile fool you...he has a definite dark side! And it is true...unless you live with them...you may never see fully the evil and deliberate dark side these disordered pathologicals have. Keep in mind that the main reason he lives and breathes is to get attention, adoration, admiration, validation...he will DO anything, act like anything/anyone...be 'Mr. Nice Guy' to get it...and after he has sucked you dry...taken his fill from you...he will already be quickly on the hunt and attached and sucking the very life out of someone else. You have in your head that he is 'so wonderful'...becuase he projects this...but inside he is UGLY and sick. The hardest part is coming to terms with the difference between the man he 'appeared' to be and the man he really is. You do not want to be with this man...believe me...they take constant upkeep, constant focus and attention...all your energy...and they are very high maintanance, there is barely any room for YOU in a relationship with one of these predators...and when all is said and done and they have moved on...they still will come around to kick you just to see if there is one last breath left in your lifeless body that they can take before merrily dancing away with their next victim as if nothing ever happened. Do what Barbara says because she has alot of experience and she truly CARES about each of us here...go back to trauma counseling...you will need much more support to get over this than you may realize. This is no 'normal' break-up within a 'normal' relationsip. And on the days he works with you...BE BUSY!BUSY BUSY! Do whateveer makes YOU feel especially good about yourself...dress up nice, be proud of your work and pour your efforts there...don't make eye contact with him unless absolutely necessary...if he tries to engage you in any form of communication..keep it business like and minimal...stop swooning over the 'pretty gift wrap' of this sick package...HE is NOT a gift! (although he certainly thinks so...he is a legend in his own mind) What he actually is...is POISON! He is lethal to your life and happiness. ...and as for lunch! YOU leave for a nice lunch BEFORE him...stop giving a damn what he does for his lunch or who he does it with...whoever 'she' is...she will be in your shoes someday too...and you wouldn't want that for any other fellow 'sister' of womankind. Prince Charming is a SNAKE and a RAKE! One day you will wake up and he will have no affect on you whatsoever...but until that day...do everything you can do to avoid contact with him... ...ask a 'friend' to go to lunch on the days he is there at your office. If you see him approaching...go hide in the bathroom if you have to until he seeks attention elsewhere. IGNORE HIM and AVOID HIIM like the plague that he is! Sorry if I sound hard on you...but one last thing...this 'soulmates thing???...it is a MYTH!!! No such thing as 'Soulmates', especially with someone like this who 'fakes' having a soul...but doesn't have one... There IS such a thing as a better and healthier relationship with a 'regular' decent nice guy who is NOT a narcissist/pathological... xo

#24 Mar 31 - 11AM (Reply to #25)

Rinalda

Leaving THEM

The Girlfriend--This is well put and is good advice. I can relate to all of this, especially AT WORK. You've described my life right now. Coming round for a potential last "hit" from me (supply). Taking off all of a sudden--I know where he goes...And I can hear him cheerily telling people he's great, he's fine, and it burns me.... I need to do more of what you say--leaving first, being unaccounted for first, like he is. Loveofmylife-I hope it helps you and that you can try to remember the evil beneath the nice exterior. I've found that the better I feel about myself, the less he hurts me and the more I can see how awful he is. You need to get to the point where you do not want HIM, instead of focusing on his breezy, apparently happy demeanour. He is acting. I'm waiting for the anger and disgust to outweigh my pain. The less contact, the better I feel...I think/pray/hope that time is an antidote to the poison--as is this board, and therapy.

#25 Mar 31 - 1PM (Reply to #26)

loveofmylife

Rinalda

He does the same thing to me, popping in to say "hi" and then "oh, I have to go to my lunch appt", with a girl waiting for him in the lobby. And then talking all happy and loud right outside my door to others, being super friendly and then walking in my office and not being as friendly. And I know it is intentional since he is only here now about 4 hours/week, and work is about 1 hour from his home and away from the major city. So how is it that these "dates" can only have a date with him one hour away from his home on the one day that he works with me. it is pretty inconceivable that it is random.

#26 Mar 31 - 10AM (Reply to #21)

loveofmylife

Girlfriend

Wow - such great insights. (God, I'm glad this board exists - helps wrap some logic around the insanity) Especially what you said: You do not want to be with this man...believe me...they take constant upkeep, constant focus and attention...all your energy...and they are very high maintanance, there is barely any room for YOU in a relationship with one of these predators... - This describes my father exactly. I loved my father dearly, but I did see what he did to my mom. It is exactly how you described. She walked on eggshells all day long to please him. He took up 80% of the breath in their relationship. It was like she was an appendage. and when all is said and done and they have moved on...they still will come around to kick you just to see if there is one last breath left in your lifeless body that they can take before merrily dancing away with their next victim as if nothing ever happened. - Funny you said this. When I was in the hospital last month taking care of my dad while he was dying from cancer, got this email from N (who took over my COO job so I could be with my dad for one month) saying "i can't believe you didn't fire X yet! It disgusts me. You have no spinal column!" I couldn't believe the insensitivity of sending an email like this when he knew I was caring for my father in a very quick, unexpected, three week death from cancer. My email back to him was "you know what I am going through right now. I can't believe you would talk to me like this. Just keep kicking me while I'm down...."

#27 Mar 31 - 10PM (Reply to #22)

joeP

Why not

Why not save the texts and talk to a good employment law attorney? Just think what his spinal column would look like if you slapped him and the company with a law suit.... There are laws against intimidation in the work place.

#28 Mar 31 - 11PM (Reply to #23)

loveofmylife

Joe

he has already threatened me, by saying that I dared to continue our years of personal conversions once we started working together. Like 22 years of very personal conversations would stop the moment we started working together again. That I was still expressing an interest in him after we started working together. But the thing is, we talked about this specifically before we started working. I said "we need to discuss our peronsl relationship before we work together - are you still interested in a relationship or have you decided it wouldn't work?" His response "I'm not sure yet (because I am in a one year committed relationship that is on the path to marriage) ...but I'm not closing any doors" Of course I saw that as my open door. But then once I mention it again after we start work and after he had asked me some VERY personal questions, it is like the past 20 years didn't exist and he is threatening to tell the investors and banks if I make him leave the company that it is because of the feelings I have for him. And also after I told him he was "hot" the other night after several glasses of wine at a dinner and having fun... he started using legal words with me in an email and started mentioning court. It is unreal.

#29 Apr 1 - 12AM (Reply to #24)

Barbara (not verified)

we must do what they only talk about

when Psycho-Boy threatened me with court I said BRING IT I always call their bluff because I will bring with me transcripts and my journal of date, time, what was said, by whom - and (as the police even backed me up) show the intimidation, threats, mind control, etc. next time he threatens just say BRING IT OR GET OUT OF MY FACE... watch him back right off ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#30 Mar 31 - 7AM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

all an act

he probably spends HOURS on his performance...grooming, practicing his lines...it's all an act, i assure you... i've seen the psychonarc do it...drag his miserable dishshelved ass up...and put on his very best act...and see the happy face disappear like stage makeup as soon as the performance was over.... it's all to torture you... if you have to speak to him at all...tell him he's not looking too good....

#31 Mar 31 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

wallaby (not verified)

LOL NarcNarc

God I love your humor. Yup in the most caring way you could say..."Gosh I'm a little worried about you ...you really have been looking worn-out lately, are you sure you're feeling alright?" N; "No I feel fine". You: "Well... maybe maybe it's just an age thing... but just to be safe why don't you call your doc and get some bloodwork..." LOL

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