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Barbara....big red flag?

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#1 Sep 10 - 7AM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Barbara....big red flag?

Hi everybody. I do not write much more here anymore, I am quite of healed right now, I have been healed by Barbara and Lisa and quietude and some other women. Now I am leading a quite simple and peaceful life, I endured also some success and I started loving myself again. I changed home, took a cat, started a new career.......and I have been trying to rebuild my love life.
But.

Barbara, do you remember some months ago when I started a new relationship and you warned me it was too soon after only one year? You were perfectly right. I don't know if he was a N but he was a perfect selfish bastard for sure. I saw it coming and everything ended pretty soon, without much grief, but it left me scared because I kept thinking "why once again?"

Now I am here, wondering again.
Last summer the children had to stay with their father for the summer vacation and I went abroad for four weeks volunteering. It has been a great experience, lots of new friends and fun.....and him.

We spent a lovely time together but he lives in the US and when I went back to Europe I thought I would have never heard anymore from him. On the contrary he has been phoning me very often-every day or 2 days max- and he wants to.......marry me.

Big red flag.

Is'nt this idealization phase? Or am I becoming paranoid and I call a simple "love" "idealization phase"?
I am scared to death that D and D will follow. I am scared! Why he wants us to get married so soon? Ok I am 41 and he is 58 ( very good looking by the way) so he does not want to wait for too long, but do Americans get married on the spot ?(like in Dharma and Greg :-))))
There is also another particular: my N had two daughters and they were very silent. I met his daughter and she is very silent too.....

I want desperately to believe that this is real. I am completely in love right now, I have for him the highest esteem and respect. But I am also so scared! What should I do Barb? What do you think, ladies? Is this a permanent "loss of trust in manhood afterN syndrome" symptom or it is the truth? What should I do to find out?

Sep 10 - 2PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mariline

Hi! Sorry you're dealing with this, nobody should rush you into anything...BIG red flag in my opinion as well. If it's right, he'll agree to take things slow. Ha, NO, all Americans don't rush marriage. I for one say "YUCK!" LOL Glad you came here in your time of need...don't you love this place? ;)
Sep 10 - 1PM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

That's me too!

Hey Cynthia, THat is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I'm so glad you said it this way. That's it right on the money. And what is the story with men who say "Hey Baby" and they don't even know you. My ex N does that all the time. And this waiter I met the other day while having lunch said that to me and I went cold on the inside. I used to love being called baby by him... but that's what he says to everyone.
Sep 10 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My x N called and we were

My x N called and we were having a "normal conversation" regarding our daughter. He said, "Ok Baby" and then said, "I'm sorry". I asked him if thats what he called his new gf. He said, " Shut up ( in a joking way), I used to call you that too!" He just had to let me kno what he calls her. It immediately made my blood boil and of course, we ended up arguing and him hanging up on me. I tried to call him back and he wouldn't answer. I'm sure he was telling her I was harassing him...What an asshole. He Had to add salt to the wound...
Sep 10 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sweet talk makes me sick now

ya those sweet terms of endearment, make me gag now. Just call me by my name or honey would be ok I guess. Hey Baby, he used to call me and leave msgs all the time IAM NOT YOUR BABY I wanted to say. I loved it in the beginning it was sexy but now it seems it was just another way of saying, hey whore.
Sep 10 - 7AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mariline

HUGE RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!! FLAPPING IN YOUR FACE!!! Relationships DO NOT BELONG ON RACETRACKS. You tell him you want to wait for a while - IF HE BALKS... THEN DUMP HIM. read: http://kktaylorcc.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!FC5C5838A530B5DF!117.entry http://www.boomeranglove.com/ http://date.lifetips.com/faq/39798/0/what-are-the-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship/index.html I have a bad feeling here. Tell him you need some TIME OFF from the relationship. IF he doesn't respect that, keeps calling, begging you to come back - HE'S DONE. Buh-bye. Don't be so quick to be "in a relationship" - learn to be by yourself. (btw - please never call me Barb, it's a huge trigger for me) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 10 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Barbara

Barbara, I have been wondering about this link you have posted, boomerang love. Is it this that I am doing? Trying to fix again a relationship impossible to heal? This is why I keep finding these men? My mother has BIG psychiatric and psychological issues, but I do not think she is borderline, and becoming old she has sweetened somehow....... Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Sep 10 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mariline

Is it this that I am doing? Trying to fix again a relationship impossible to heal? I have a feeling - yes. It's also called REPETITION COMPULSION. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. I used to do it so I tend to see it in others. http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/03/why-do-some-people-choose-one-bad.html Discuss it with your therapist Don't fixate on the "Borderline" thing. BPD is a Cluster B personality disorder JUST LIKE Narcissism and Socio/Psychopathy and there are a LOT of traits that overlap between these disorders. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 10 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

CAUTION, CAUTION, CAUTION

It is true some men come on too fast and too strong and arent narcs, but even if he wasnt a narc or psycho this is a clear indication of a sign that could go either way. I would step back no matter how much it hurt and how hard it was before you end up giving your heart to this man and trust. I have a built in self preservation guard in me now that is going to guard myself and my life from any good looking, smooth talking, fast walking man that wants to marry me in two days, who cares if he is good looking, their are also many beautiful wolves too with pretty markings
Sep 10 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Cynthia

I have a built in self preservation guard in me now that is going to guard myself and my life from any good looking, smooth talking, fast walking man that wants to marry me in two days, who cares if he is good looking, their are also many beautiful wolves too with pretty markings... great! Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Sep 10 - 11AM (Reply to #11)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

be careful

i am glad you are out there dating again I dont know if its any pre conditioned thing we have about us that attract the wrong men but KNOW THYSELF, know what your weaknesses are and guard them fiercely! Sometimes when I am out with a group of friends a man will approach me, one for example, said HI BABY, and I wanted to say back HI PUKE, one offered to buy me a drink and I wanted to say F--k off, I dont talk like that but that is what I want to say to my psycho so any playboy smooth talking man that approaches me makes me sick. I get disgusted with women who say, oh isnt he good looking, or look at him, I say, SO WHAT he is a predator with a hard on. I am even disgusted with normal men looking for companionship. I am bitter but I dont hate men I just dont trust myself yet. I was so violated by another human and have seen what evil some humans are capable of that I lost my faith in humanity and myself. I am working thru it and know that not ALL men view women as whores as I was treated, I get furious with men that text each other naked pics of women and laugh and say, oh man look at those tits, like we are nothing but sex toys to pleasure them. I know to a certain extent its normal for males to enjoy looking at nude pics but dont do it around me after what i went thru. I have alot of healing yet if I had to guess I am half way there. Just be careful dont ever forget the pain you went thru dont let another good looking man steal your heart and trust at the same time dont dismiss a truly good and genuine man into your life.
Sep 10 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm not saying her new guy

I'm not saying her new guy is a N but why do true N propose so quickly? I think that my x N would be married by now if he didn't show his true colors before someone can actually take him up on the offer!
Sep 10 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

NanC

Very good question! Why? Why Narcs want to get married on the spot? Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Sep 10 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Oh sorry Barbara

Sorry Barbara for the Barb! I didn't know! Sorry and thank you again Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Sep 10 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mariline

Read: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/29/just-because-you-believe-it-doesnt-make-it-true http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/15/toxic-hope ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 10 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

why they want to marry so soon?

So they gotcha! They trap you like a bug and close the lid. Now they can play with you. The more differing ways they have you, the better for them. Emotionally, financially, physically. All of it. They dont want you to easily run away. They want to pull their crap on you and make it hard for you to get out. What else COULD it be? Do you think they love you so much and cant live without you? That somehow you are so loved and special? No. This is not the case, although you are probably very special and loveable..they dont see that. They only see what they can use you for. Believe it.
Sep 10 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

why they move so fast in relationships

To keep women from being able to think things through and to respond to red flags, the pathological induces fast paced relationships, whirlwinds of dating intensity, and uses emotional suffocation techniques. Most women found themselves unable to slow down the race to the altar, to their beds, or into their homes. Since pathologicals are extraverts, they are likely to be persistent (if not forceful) in their pursuit of women. While this may seem just “dream-like” to her, it’s pure manipulation and planning on his part. Couple his plan to fast-forward the relationship with his poor impulse control and you have a relationship rushing ahead at the speed of light. Many women realized in retrospect that there was a “reason” the relationship was on the fast-track. The pathological had a “need” to be filled whether that was needing a place to live, a business partner, or a sex partner—there was an agenda as to why the pacing of the relationship was so fast. Some pathologicals even hid the motivation behind their fast paced relationship for other reasons. Even her red flags often were not enough to put the brakes on the forceful momentum the pathological had going. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 10 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

What's the Rush?

I believe anyone or persons who want to get married too soon is a very BIG red FLAG. Plus this seems to be the MO for all sociopaths. By getting married so quick we miss so many other signs and traits of this new person. Sorry folks but anyone who tells you that they love you only after a couple of dates and starts planning a live together also in this time period is a very big red flag. I for one tell them to slow it down and how I never made quick decisions about anything, more so with the subject of marriage. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/