Baffling..anyone relate?

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#1 Dec 17 - 5AM
Scotchy71
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Baffling..anyone relate?

So I was thinking about the MANY times having a conversation with narc and how his response to a topic is completely non-related....eg.....he spent 2 weeks with me in my home country over New Year and well, to be honest, he didn't seem terribly interested in "being intimate".

For me, 2 weeks and then not seeing him for about 4 months, I wanted him all the time make no mistake!!!! I wanted to be intimate every day for that 2 weeks (I guess I was being faithful, he wasn't as it turned out, so not as important for him in hindsight)...but he could see I was getting confused by his lack of interest and his response to this? "Don't be angry, just know I can only love you more each day"....WTF does that mean????? How is that even related???

Thoughts??? Am I not seeing this correctly? It seemed odd to me even at the time he would say that.

Dec 17 - 9PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

madness

these people simply make no sense. you wonder why you bother and how they can be so batshit crazy and still hold down a job???? Heres an actual conversation i get a text saying. i have joined your exboyfriend club all phsyco rapist and fucking bastards. i ignore it then he comes in and I ask him why he sent it he doesnt seem to know. then I point out that hes actually my husband and not not boyfriend. he goes crazy and shouts " so how many exhusbands have you had? just one I answer. and how many exboyfriends?? Four. so you see what I mean??? he screams. "no I really dont" he shouts - you are always trying to analyse my words to make me look like an idiot!!! he leaves!!! Im thinking i think you just proved you are not only an idiot but cant even use logic to make whatever fucking asinine point you were trying to make. dont even try to understand them its all complete nonsense. complete waste of time. Laugh at how absurd it is.
Dec 18 - 4AM (Reply to #21)
Scotchy71
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fooled no longer

That's insane!!!! It's like they just say the first thing that pops into that empty head of theirs. I think we'd be truly terrified if we knew what was going on inside of them..glad to be out. xx
Dec 17 - 9PM (Reply to #19)
Deidre99
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lol...it is mind

lol...it is mind boggling...are you still with him?
Dec 18 - 4AM (Reply to #20)
Scotchy71
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Deidre99

HELL NO, dumped his ass when I discovered he was sending nude pics and disgusting videos to another woman...but he still loves me....uh-huh, and I'm the pope..no really, I am!!!! :) Even knowing I knew all about it and had proof....he goes on a rant about why would he come and see me in another country if he was cheating???? BUT, YOU WERE CHEATING, AND YOU KNEW I HAD PROOF!!!!! The logic, wow!!
Dec 17 - 3PM
michele115 (not verified)
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Scotchy

There comes a time when trying to figure them out is even more maddening. I have no detailed explanation other than these are disordered individuals and trying to figure all the nuances out over time will leave one disorded too...:(
Dec 18 - 4AM (Reply to #17)
Scotchy71
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Michele115

You are so right, I've stopped trying to figure it out and make sense - I know I never will because I'm reasonably normal. I think if I understood him, I'd be like him...just got shivers!!!!
Dec 17 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Yes, like Journey said.

Yes, like Journey said. Power and control. The exNarc would tease and flirt all evening until I was ready to rip his clothes off and eat him alive. Then, he would disappear . . . be in bed with the lights off, pretending to be "tired". He'd rebuff my advances. Even if he started the pre-sex flirting and playing around, if I got into it, I ended up having to wheedle and beg. This did not last very long. The last half of the relationship, something in me just shut down. THAT'S when he couldn't leave me alone. Constantly flirting, teasing, begging for sex. And I just couldn't DO IT. I stopped even being able to sleep with him in the same bed. If I wanted it, it turned him off. If he wanted it and I didn't, that was better. Narcs are so predictable.
Dec 18 - 4AM (Reply to #15)
Scotchy71
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Hi Briseis

You're so right, the mind games are truly exhausting and confusing - I guess they throw the confusion out there so we'll never figure out the game. I did, and he knew it was over without a doubt. The very next day, he posted a personals ad in a Seattle newspaper looking for a short/long term relationship with a woman - he had a conference there in October...I wasn't surprised he posted the ad, just surprised it was the day after i dumped him. Of course, I knew nothing about narcissism at that stage. What amazes me about this site is the number of beautiful intelligent women hurt by these bottom feeders, it's so unfair and yet enlightening all at the same time. xxx
Dec 17 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
Deidre99
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Hi Briseis...I'm so sorry

Hi Briseis...I'm so sorry you went through this. May I ask...do you have your story on here somewhere? I'd be interesting in reading...did you finally leave this man? Strangely, narc #1 was very much for me, in the way you describe here. All I can say...what the hell did these people's moms do to them to make them so angry and repulsed by women? Wow...you know?
Dec 17 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
Briseis
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Yes I do. In the Share Your

Yes I do. In the Share Your Story section, probably page three or so by now. It's a fairly bare bones story, most of the details get told while I respond to posts. Personally? I don't think the Narc's mothers can be anyone, and the Narc's distortion and disturbance can turn a decent, good enough mother into a hag. There are plenty of mothers of Narcs who are obviously PDIs themselves (the nut doesn't fall far from the tree) too. My narc's mother, if anything, has profoundly low self esteem. She isn't a PDI, I don't think. I saw them together and she simply loved him as a mother would love a son. There was no wierdness. She made a lot of mistakes, had three sons from different fathers, had husbands who beat the boys, ignored the boys so she could go out and socialize and find a man. Not GOOD stuff at all, but kinda common in this day and age :(
Dec 17 - 2PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Power and control

Bottom line - he wanted all the power and control! As soon as mine knew I was 'hooked' he began withholding affection and sex. He still wanted to be with me every day, go on a vacation with me and have me adore him, but if I initiated sex - forget it. That's when I'd be 'gently' accused of just wanting him for sex, I had a problem and needed validation through sex, I was trying to manipulate or control him with sex, I didn't respect HIS needs while using one of his many excuses to explain away his momentary indifference... blah blah blah. He couldn't stand it when he wasn't in control, but he didn't want to lose me so he would say things he thought would make me feel better and there would be intermittent 'giving in' to my advances. Whenever I showed signs of getting fed up with his behavior, that is when he would seduce me and give me want I had been longing for - just enough to keep me believing it would all be like it was in the beginning again when he couldn't keep his hands off me. Push-pull, hot-cold, crazy making behavior - it's what they do. Journey on...

Journey on...

Dec 18 - 4AM (Reply to #11)
Scotchy71
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Journey

It's like they all go to the same school for this! That's exactly what mine did too and it's all making sense now. Must be horrible going through life the way they do, alone, angry, vengeful, full of hatred and jealousy - I'm so glad I'm gone xxx
Dec 17 - 8AM
Deidre99
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This might sound strange,

This might sound strange, but typically...narcs only want you to want them. That's it. When they have achieved that...they don't want you anymore. They do want and enjoy sex, no doubt...but, they enjoy MORE the ''harem'' who wants them...than the actual act of pleasing someone. My narc dated a girl for a very short time a few months after me. He told me all the sordid details. (I didn't mind, I actually found it sexy, but maybe I was just as sick as he was back then looking back!) Bottom line. She wanted sex. He gave it to her. He didn't see it as a mutual thing. He saw it as 'doing her a favor.' Then, he dumped her, saying he was betraying God. Which was the card he pulled on many an occasion. He told me that when he wanted to end things with me. So...suffice to say. All he wanted with you, was for you to want him. And by him telling you...Oh I love you more and more each day...this is to drive you more insane. It's called crazy making. It's an actual verb that emotional abusers do to their victims. There is a remarkable book I read years ago, after breaking up with another narc ...by Patricia Evans. I can't think of the name of the book, but google her name and you should find it. Please take care of yourself, and get away from this guy. If you are still with him. I'm not sure, are you guys still together?
Dec 18 - 5AM (Reply to #9)
Scotchy71
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Deidre99

You said something that made my hair stand on end....when visiting his mother earlier this year, we were standing in the garden and she made some comment about having a harem of women and he says, "Why don't I have one of those?". He was the only one who thought that was hilarious. You really do make sense, they only want us to want them - what we want matters not, if it did, they wouldn't hurt us like they do.....I'd never take him back, he accused me of having no compassion nor forgiveness because I wouldn't go back to him...uggghh, he's just disgusting. What man of 47 jacks off to videos and sends them to women they've never met? I'm doing really well actually, been out for 4 months and it was long distance, so it's easier to disconnect......I hope you're recovering and healing too...hugs, scotchy xx
Dec 17 - 8AM
gettinbetter
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You must be new to

You must be new to Narcville. For your sake I hope you are just passing thru. I was a resident long ago then moved away then I visited one day and remembered that I like the way this little town looked but I forgot thats its a really dark,lonely place with alot of secrets.
Dec 17 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
Deidre99
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This is a great post...very

This is a great post...very good depiction of what narc-land is like. Dark. And filled with shadows that jump out at you when you are not expecting it.
Dec 17 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
gettinbetter
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go look at a post that I

go look at a post that I made a few weeks back I think its was called Narc Vertigo or Life in Narcville something similiar. Someone wrote a very good story about Narcville in the thread. Go read it is so good.
Dec 17 - 8AM
betty2020
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They have a difficult time

They have a difficult time with communication. Especially if they think that you sense that something is off about them. I remember driving in a car with him and a conversation would come up and he would say something so bizarre that i would look over at him and think to myself, "what in the hell am i with?!". He had a wonderful gift of gab when he was with his friends, clients or a women he was lurking on but with me, he was always on guard and didnt know how or what to say to me. I think in part it had to do with his skeletons and secretes that he was trying so desperately to keep from me. It kept him paranoid all the time. Our sex life fell apart when he began cheating 9 months into the relationship. He was paranoid that i would sense a difference in him and he was always full of excuses for why things had changed. But as far as conversations with him, it was like trying to converse with someone suffering from a combination of bipolar and turrets syndrome. Things would fly out of his mouth that made no sense, as if he had no control. His mind was always on other things, and they were not good things. When i would call him out on it he would say "thats not what i said!". Even though i repeated it verbatim. I often wonder if my Xn isn't really just clinically insane. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Dec 18 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
Scotchy71
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Betty

Hi Betty, Good to see you here.....I have to tell you, I was writing an email to him but only as a draft as I often do telling him what a piece of do do he is and I sent it to him by mistake!!!! I was so angry at myself but he actually wasn't too bad in his reply and I did call him "emotionally infantile".....he apologised and said he was sorry and truly did love me...uh huh, course you did.....but he did point out that I am impervious to the truth and have no compassion or forgiveness.....hard to forgive when he mocks me about wanting a future with him and how he broke my heart....I'm milking sympathy too coz yeah, I really want to be in this situation.....they're unreal aren't they???? I'm so mad right now at him!! xxx
Dec 17 - 6AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Scotchy

Who the hell knows? They say the most bizarre things and yes, totally unrelated. Mine just one day stopped having intercourse with me. I would beg him to tell me why. Is there someone else? Are you not attracted to me? Do you no longer want a baby? And I'd cry and cry because all he wanted to do was nasty stuff with no real intimacy. He would just say, honey. Don't cry. Kiss me. But he would NEVER answer. I mean, why not just make something up, right? Or at least say you don't know. OR how about telling the truth? When I found out about the Other Woman, he said in his "defense": "Honey, there are a lot of people out there in the world, and I'm sorry you don't appreciate what they do for me." Then he said, "My universe is so big. You have no idea." Huh???????????????? After I found out about the other woman I saw him one Sunday morning walking down the street. I was mad and I pulled over and said, "Where you going, honey? For a Sunday morning screw at some mom's house?" He came over to the car and stroked my face and got tears in his eyes. He said, "I miss you so much." I said, "You can't even tell me where you're going." He kept saying, "Just for a walk." (It was literally zero degrees outside and he never walks anyway.) I said, "Why can't you tell the truth for once in your life?" He just looked sad. He ended up going to the ATM at the bank and then going home. Big secret. He always did cryptic things like that. He asked me to go to the drugstore with him once and told me to get a basket. He started putting all this stuff in his basket and my basket: huge bottles of aspirin, band aids, cough medicine, tylenol. I was like, 'What the hell are you doing?' He absolutely refused to answer. After about twenty minutes of this we checked out and he paid for it with a card, which turned out to be some medication allowance card the county employees get. he had a lot left on it and he had to use it up by the end of the year. But he could not tell me this until I literally started yelling at him, demanding to know why we were there and why he was putting all this stuff in my basket. Then he accused me of being hysterical and not appreciating what he did for me. The sex stuff was the weirdest. We would go months without him wanting me to touch him and then WHAM! He was over every afternoon and every night for it for weeks. Then, just as quickly, off again. He was screwing other women the whole time we were together, so I don't know if it lined up with his times with them or if he was sometimes trying to be faithful to one of them or to me or what. My therapist thinks that him not having intercourse with me was his way of being "faithful" to the OW or other womEn.
Dec 17 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
Scotchy71
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OMG

I'm literally speechless, is it any wonder we are so screwed up and confused????? It's like they need to keep us in a constant state of confusion so we can never get to the truth. I guess the only good news is, they will be like this with everyone they encounter...and they say women play games HA, so untrue!!!!!! Mine contacted me saying how much he missed me (I dumped him) and when i refused to respond he became nasty actually told me he didn't technically cheat as was not consummated....I guess the emotional months of wooing her weren't cheating in his mind. It's only cheating if sex is involved - and then he mocked me for wanting a life with him...amazing he thinks he's a good person..would a good person lead you to believe there was a future with them and then MOCK you for believing them???? After he again took no responsibility for cheating he says..."When have I ever given you reason to believe I don't take responsibility for my actions?"....Um, right there a/hole!!!! Yours is horrible! How dare he do that...him being faithful? Not possible, isn't it amazing how they rationalise crap up in their head? Mine told me he can't believe I think of him as being a criminal...a few lines later he actually said..."It really hurts me YOU CALLED me a criminal"...I never even mentioned that word, he said it then actually believed I called him that! So retarded!!!! I guess he thinks of himself that way and was simply projecting.