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bad two days...i am in denial

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#1 Jul 12 - 5AM
veedoll
veedoll's picture

bad two days...i am in denial

i do not want to love him or miss him. i want to get to where my head and heart are together. i want him to tell me why he did this to me. but he will no talk to me. he has decided to talk to his ex who he narc'd also the "truth". why? i am the one who was in the relationship with him???? i am nauseous, depressed, sad... it is so very hard to get past all this negative stuff. i imagine him telling her lies about me... like he told me lies about her. or maybe he is telling about his shattered childhood which is why he acts this way. or apologizing to her for his bad behavior towards her... but why won't her talk to me. i cursed him out by texting. him.. he only responded thanks. for some reason i cannot at this point stay NC... i am feeling devastated.

Jul 12 - 8PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

It does not matter why he did

It does not matter why he did this to you. It really doesn't matter...............you can't make sense os something senseless. Stay strong, read, read, read and love yourself, the only one in this relationship worthy of your love. Good luck!
Jul 12 - 8PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Veedoll

The problem you are having is, you are treating this creature as normal, He is not! He is abusive to you, to try and make sense out of nonsense, it doesn't work. Keep reading, understanding that this is a sickness is a process! Find some distractions! Hunter
Jul 12 - 6AM
indenial
indenial's picture

this is so hard

Feeling like you are is so hard. I'm a fine one to talk because I go through this all the time and I fear I will again. Even though I'm having a good day so far today I know ill struggle again either tomorrow or the next day or even by tonight ! Its so hard and when we reach out through contact we allow them to crush us more. Try not to contact him again. He will contact you and then try and ignore him or if you must reply make it indifferent and to the point. It will hopefully make you feel better. I'm not in the best place to give advice but I'm sure some of these strong, brave and wise ladies on here can offer you smome good advice. I hope this comforts you a little. Hugs xx
Jul 12 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
veedoll
veedoll's picture

thank you

weepy right now..
Jul 12 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
indenial
indenial's picture

remember

He's a turd and you can't polish a turd ! No one can no matter how much you may feel you want to try ! Hope this makes you smile through your tears xx
Jul 12 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
maky1
maky1's picture

Write it all out in a

Write it all out in a notebook. Go to the 99cent store and get a notebook and fill it up with all you are feeling and all you would say to him. Cuss him out, yell at him, love him, hate him. do it all in your notebook. Later on shred it or burn it. But get it out. Do your best not to contact. Take his number out of your phone and if you have it memorized, stick a not on your phone saying NO. I struggled like you did and I contacted and I listened when he called and i read all his emails. he was royally messing with my mind, too. I became physically ill. My skin was horrific. SO horrific I barely ever left the house. That lasted for a good year! Did I ever get validation and answers and apologies and closure? no. it just isn't possible. You learn enough about narcs and psychos and you will learn to let go of the idea and desire to relate to them like people. I know it is frustrating as hell. Being able to say,"I feel..." and then having a conversation about feelings is not possible with them. their feelings were faked. so they will never "get it." they have no empathy. maybe he is feeding the ex some crap to line up some supply or as a defense mechanism from facing what he does and she is the only one who will listen to his crap. she should be blocking him as all his supply should. whatever is happening there doesn't matter cuz it will not amount to anything good or loving. sure they lie about us just as they lie to us. but what does it matter? no one will listen to them for long. He is gone and one day you will be so happy. You will have learned the lesson and he will not have any power over you. You will be free and happy and loving yourself and others and he will be nothing but empty. I think we all go through that stage where we obsess about him and what he is doing and saying. None of it matters, really... what matters is how you are now taking care of yourself to heal. Do things to love you and find gratitude.
Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
veedoll
veedoll's picture

touching!

your post is very touching and so true. i am feeling better.
Jul 12 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

This is exactly what I did to get it out

Mine was in jail for 9 months and I was overwhelmed with emotion and the writing was key to getting it out. I wrote him many long letters, which I never sent and it did help to get out all of those emotions and to begin to sort things out. They play with our heads and it is only natural that it is going to take time to make sense of it all and the journaling is a huge help. God bless, Goldie