Bad day...i dont know what to think except about my flaws

29 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 24 - 5PM

reallyconfused

Bad day...i dont know what to think except about my flaws

The bad thughts came back again and all of my insecurities about my shy at first personality. It's like the one thing people point out and now it makes me think that he was right...that things didn't work because I was too quiet. It is so frustrating because I'm not that bad...it just takes me some time to open up. He don't give me a chance...he did most of the talking or gave me the silent treatment when I tried to talk about what I wanted and my feelings, his friends didn't reallt speak to me either, and he didnt make time for me. What'd he expect? Whatever it is, I feel like that's whats wrong with me. It's the one thing he pointed out and how he liked to go out and have fun....well he never went anywhere with me except the movies, bowling, and his house. He was always busy so he kind of led the way. UGH. He isn't supposed to be right and now its brought to light again and again and I feel flawed and the cause.

#2 Jul 26 - 7PM

.brokenglass.

Shy, Reallyconfused

Hi sweetie...I have always been told I'm too outspoken & sometimes I need to shut it up :). I use to let that bother me because I thought "if they lived my life, they would see my voice is all I had & they wouldn't shut up either." As I have "matured" & watch my own daughter (who is loud at times but usually quiet until she knows u); and I asked her why she stays quiet around people...and out of the mouth of babes came brilliance, "Mommy, I aint quiet, I'm just watching. I said watching what? She said, to see if they are someone I even wanna know, if I talk to them they gotta be worth my time & all u gotta do is sit back & watch." So my dear, I'm not sure where my young one got so smart, but it makes the most sense to me. I don't call you quiet or shy, but observant & smart, maybe its your subconcious telling u he aint worth it, the ones worth it will not put u down for just being who u r.

#3 Jul 25 - 9AM

Hunter

RC

Get in therapy, first yes you have self-esteem issuses and you've been Narced! Do something about it! If you were hit by a Hurrican and you lost all you possessions, how long would you stand there and star at the mess? This is no different! Embarrassed, they are professional, do you go to the OBGYN? That's embarrassing but it's important to go! The Shrink is my time to vent, no one wants to listen to this, but they do and they help on the process! Hunter

#4 Jul 25 - 7AM

onwithmylife

reallyconfused

Have you thought about getting therapy for your self esteem issues, it could help you tremendously for the rest of your life! this matter is not about him, but about YOU.............

#5 Jul 25 - 8AM (Reply to #26)

reallyconfused

I have and I want to, but I

I have and I want to, but I feel a bit embarrassed and don't even know what type of help to ask for

#6 Jul 24 - 8PM

moonshine

insecurities

Narc will pick your top insecurities and turn it against you. He studied you well in the beginning....took notes and just came up with a reason ...that is all.... DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF...because thats what he wants you to do ..... What you feel about yourself now is not true! He would have came up with some other reason if not for this one. I asked my narc...."ok...you think these are the qualities that you dont like about me but you should be able to say something good about me after 2 years of knowing and spending time with me..?".....he could not come up with anything and that shows how shallow he is. He talked non stop for 15 minutes about the qualities he liked in the OW. You know your strengths....do not give the power to him to tell you who your are.

#7 Jul 24 - 7PM

Brooke1

reallyconfused

Theres nothing wrong with being on the quiet side.If he was so concerned about you being quiet,he could have lovingly tried to bring you out of your shell (that he thought you were in). It sounds like you DID try to talk and he wanted to control what you said and didnt say.If he thought you were quiet when you were going together,than he must have noticed that when he first met you. He shouldve eccepted it. I dont see it as a flaw.Alot of quiet people are very good listeners,and gentle.There are alot of people who are outgoing and have everything to say,who annoy others with mindless chatter.From the sounds of his attitude and just that fact that he would pick on something like that, i wouldnt think he has anything important to say.Maybe HE should learn to be quiet.Its not you thats flawed, its him.

#8 Jul 24 - 9PM (Reply to #23)

reallyconfused

I'm not really sure what a

I'm not really sure what a "normal" person would be like in a relationship as I've never really been in one before and even with this guy we weren't "official." So I kind of followed his lead of following his schedule and such. After I came back from a trip abroad I went out to dinner with him and was starting to tell him about my trip and funny stories and he just sat there and didn't seem interested at all, didn't even look at me (he chose to sit at the bar where he wasn't facing me), kind of brushed off the subject matter...I thought I wasn't interesting. The next day he told me he wanted to see where things would go but that I was too quiet when we went out the other night. When I brought up the fact that I did try to tell him about my trip he went "oh well, i guess i was just tired or something" after trying to finish the conversation with him he cut me off and basically ignored me for a month. That's just the short version. I've only ever been kind, patient, and caring with him. I read some things online like "signs he's not into you or into you" it's like is that even accurate???? I hate to hear "If he really liked you he wouldn't do that." Well yes, obviously but what about people like this? A statement like "if he really liked you" is so damaging to my self-esteem and makes me feel at fault...my mind is twisted at the moment.

#9 Jul 24 - 7PM

sara-smile

reallyconfused

This is how Narcs work. They can't take responsibility for their shortcoming and evilness so they find any way to blame it on their partner! He knew that saying you were too shy would make you believe it was YOUR fault and not his. My Narc told me the demise of our relationship was my fault because I didn't spend enough time with him because my daddy was SICK! They will use any excuse they can come up with to make the victim believe it's them. DO NOT give him the satisfaction of believing him! He's a sick NARC! He's not human and never will be human. YOU ARE NOT FLAWED! Please quit believing anything that comes out of his lying mouth. It's an excuse for HIS behavior. If you weren't shy you would be too loud, too fat, too skinny, too poor, too rich, too busy, not busy enough, etc etc etc. Don't let him get in your head. Stay strong and be who you are! Hugs! Sara

#10 Jul 24 - 9PM (Reply to #21)

reallyconfused

I keep going back and forth

I keep going back and forth with what I know deep down and my own insecurities. I have to own who I am, but I feel so see-through when people immediately point out "oh you're so quiet." Why does everyone just judge immediately? I don't know who to believe anymore. Sometimes if you hear it enough you start to believe it and boy did he set me into a downward spiral. If I was more outgoing from the get go would he have spent more time with me? He seemed interested in the beginning and whenever we were together, but when he was busy it's as if I wasn't really there...any type of contact was almost as if he was doing me a favor.

#11 Jul 24 - 7PM

ruby01 (not verified)

Please

don't doubt yourself because of this disordered person. Personally I'd much rather be shy than a rude, tactless ahole that thinks he has the right to judge people.

#12 Jul 24 - 7PM

lavendar19

Please please please reread

Please please please reread the post I wrote on your other topic... these men will ALWAYS find SOMETHING to pick on you about, guaranteed. They are never satisfied in the end. My heart really goes out to you because when my N left me, I was all over yahoo answers, this forum and another asking the same exact question, added with "was he justified to cheat on me like he said, because I wasn't ready to have sex after 2 months of being with him?" Of course not. and Of course your shyness could not have logically been the reason for the end of your relationship. I think deep down you know this too, just like I did, but still our insecurities and vulnerabilities erupt after the N leaves...which is exactly the position he wants us in. ALL narcissists idealize and then devalue, that is what they do, whether your ex is a narcissist or not, it is clear to be that he is extremely toxic. Please be good to yourself, you're amazing, your shyness isn't what caused this.

#13 Jul 24 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

reallyconfused

I keep going back to one of

I keep going back to one of the few times we went out at first and he spent the majority of the night talking to some other girl that he claimed he knew from high school while I sat at the other end all by myself...he didn't seem to care, I thought he got up and left because I wasn't saying much, but he didn't say much either...I felt I was boring him even then. Even when some guys started talking to me he didn't even come over or say anything. When we left the place suddenly I existed again...

#14 Jul 25 - 12AM (Reply to #17)

lavendar19

I just got goosebumps lol,

I just got goosebumps lol, this has happened to me so many times. I posted a topic about when we went clubbing - he was walking ahead of me the entire time and very ''innocently'' pointing out the girls who were checking him out. Parties were the worst. When we'd meet, he would be judging my outfit and makeup, if he approved he would be very nice to me and call me his wife for the night, if I didn't look as good he would give me a bit of cold shoulder. Shy or outgoing, pretty or not, skinny or curvy, narcs WILL find an excuse, always, why? because excuses are easier than saying "I'm a guilt-free, emotion-free human being, and I'm toxic" ...which even SOME narcs DO say to their partners, but not out of honesty and good will, but out of manipulation, just like everything else they say or do.

#15 Jul 25 - 11AM (Reply to #18)

happysoon

I went through the exact same

I went through the exact same thing...being ignored...then if i spoke up about it I was jealous and insecure... It's not you really confused....it's him! He is a narc, he used everything he could to control you... I have insecurities as well and am in therapy, it's the best thing ever...and never be embarassed, they are there to help you. I see it as a sign of self awareness and growth, you want to improve yourself and are taking steps in that direction! :-)

#16 Jul 24 - 5PM

happysoon

just because you are shy

just because you are shy doesn't mean you deserve to be treated badly... it's NOT your fault... I am shy at first as well, always second guess myself...but honestly I am less shy away from him! I bet you would be the same way...he probably made you withdraw into yourself even more by picking on what you thought was a fault of yours. He took what you are most vulnerable about and exploited it to his own advantage... there is nothing wrong with being shy, own it :-) If everyone were the same in this world life would be pretty boring!

#17 Jul 24 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

lavendar19

"but honestly I am less shy

"but honestly I am less shy away from him!" This was so true for me too. I was made into being more shy when I was with him, because if I said something that wasn't "acceptable" in his books, I would get the look. So I learned to stay quiet and pretty much just sit next to him politely in parties, talking only if spoken to. He was nicer to me that way. Kind of like how you would treat a dog.

#18 Jul 24 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

happysoon

so true, its so

so true, its so frustrating!! mine would be ignoring me and chatting up all his female friends...but if a man came over to me for whatever reason I got a glare and the silent treatment from the ex N....even if i ignored the guy! I shut down, I thought it was out of respect for him and our relationship but I am beginning to believe it was out of fear...just because I smile and am friendly sometimes doesn't mean I am trying to pick up another man, he was even jealous of HIS male friends, never told them though, I was the one who got the wrath but it's nice to start to get ME back!

#19 Jul 25 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

lavendar19

I got the look too sometimes

I got the look too sometimes when a man would try to talk to me or looked at me...he'd say "I have so much anger bottled up I just want to smash someone's face into a wall" (usually after some guy had looked my way). At first it made me feel important..later it became nauseating. Amen haha, it's nice to have me back too:)

#20 Jul 24 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

Susan32

It's a no-win situation

If I didn't talk, the ex-Psych prof would get on my case about it. During the final D&D my senior year, when I SPOKE UP FOR MYSELF, he'd CONSTANTLY accuse me of not listening to him... even when I was in tears in front of everyone. It's twisted to see a teacher act&feel so threatened by students expressing their own views. I remember the tantrum he threw my freshman year in the Q&A session after his first lecture. He basically told everybody to go away, summarily dismissing the audience en masse. "Kind of like how you would treat a dog"-I remember telling the ex-P that if you mistreat a dog, it's not going to respect you. Fear you, yes, but ZERO respect. When they find a kind, compassionate owner, they're ready to split. Also, mistreated dogs are likely to lash out at their abusers. Remember that horrific dog mauling in San Francisco? The dogs had been abused, bred to kill, even abused sexually--and in a normal situation, they attacked. The ex-P ENVIED my rapport with dogs;he'd talk about how animals feared him. He'd compare me to Princess Lisa in "War and Peace." Her husband, Prince Andrei (a cerebral Narc) emotionally abuses her while she's pregnant. Leo Tolstoy compares her to a timid dog afraid of angering its owner. I'd get the look if I so much smiled&was HAPPY. He wanted me FRIGHTENED of him... yet ironically he was afraid of me. Since I was in the Southwest, there were a lot of coyotes on campus. I managed to get very close to them. They never attacked. The ex-P had this paranoid theory that I'd set the coyotes on him.

#21 Jul 24 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

happysoon

a "joke"

my ex's father (who was also a Narc) had this "joke" he said "why is a dog man's best friend over a woman?" answer "lock both of them in the trunk of your car, when you open it later, which one is still happy to see you?" he thought he was hysterical, what an ahole!!

#22 Jul 24 - 7PM (Reply to #8)

Susan32

Sick jokes

Yeah, Ns/Ps senses of humor are VERY "off." That's beyond sick. The ex-Psych prof would tell his circle of male followers how FUNNY it would be if I killed myself, that it was FUNNY that he told them that he wanted me to drop dead (after my grandfather died) Yet when the senior skit mocked HIM... he got up&ran out (don't worry, I gave him the gory details the next day, enjoying every moment as he writhed in pain) I wasn't allowed to mock the ex-P because he was a teacher... now that he is NO LONGER my teacher, ahhh, I can take advantage of that fact. His shield of protection, gone forever. I can mock him to my heart's content, and he will have to learn to take it LIKE A MAN!

#23 Jul 24 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

happysoon

lol! he won't be able to

lol! he won't be able to because he is still a scared little boy! they are so sad...

#24 Jul 24 - 7PM (Reply to #10)

Susan32

That's what I compared him to!

When I broke NC in '09, I simultaneously celebrated my nephew's birth (he's intelligent, has empathy, awesome)... AND I mockingly compared the ex-Psych prof to a shrieking newborn. Why? -My nephew is from Massachusetts. So is the ex-P. -My brother in-law has the SAME FIRST NAME as the ex-P's father. How convenient. -My brother in-law went to Harvard, as did ex-P's Daddy. How many lucky teachers have former students telling them "I can deal with a screaming, immature, self-absorbed baby because I dealt with you! HA HA HA HA!!!!!"? Not many. Hallmark does not make those kind of cards.

#25 Jul 24 - 7PM (Reply to #11)

happysoon

hahaha!!! my 9yr old daughter

hahaha!!! my 9yr old daughter has more insight than my 37yr old ex narc! lol

#26 Jul 24 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

Susan32

My two year old nephew...

My 2 year old nephew has more empathy&AFFECTION (he hugs everybody, even tries to hug virtually thru iChat) than my 48 year old ex-Psych prof. My 2 yr old nephew can babble incoherently for hours... and I LIKE it. He's TRYING to communicate! My 2 year old nephew uses utensils. He's proud he can eat with a spoon. The ex-P will only eat with his hands. I NEVER saw him use utensils in 4 years. He's nearly 50. My 2 year old nephew hugs. The ex-P HATED that. My 2 year old nephew will complain... but you know, when you're hungry or your diaper is full of poop, he's gotta valid point. My 2 year old nephew looks thoughtful... the ex-P fakes being a philosopher. My 2 year old nephew is inventive... the ex-P will only quote other people. Not once did he come up with an ORIGINAL idea. My 2 year old nephew loves animals, waves to chipmunks, loves going to see the ducks in the Boston Common... the ex-P HATES animals, despite the fact his Daddy studies them. My 2 year old nephew loves singing, music, dancing... I couldn't even talk about music with the ex-P. The ex-P said if I lived with him, my music collection would have to go. I HOPE that when his twins were young (they'd be 10 now) he was subjected to the Wiggles, Barney the Dinosaur, Sesame Street. I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE. In other words, my nephew is SUPERIOR in every way. Besides, my nephew isn't obsessed with "War and Peace", and I am FINE with that! When people say "Narcs are teens in adult bodies",that's assuming way too much maturity. I've calculated the ex-P's mental age at my nephew's age, if not younger. *thinks of sending box with baby toys, Tyler Florence's organic Bay Area baby foods*

#27 Jul 24 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

reallyconfused

I mean I know maybe he didnt

I mean I know maybe he didnt like that about me, but he knew how I was once day 1...after all that time its like a slap in the face

#28 Jul 24 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

happysoon

exactly, they use what they

exactly, they use what they can against you, they suck you in and then spit you out, it's insane... as we went on mine would critasize everything about me, everything I loved...felt like he was attacking who i was to the core its unbelievably cruel....to go from someone who supposedly loves everything about you to putting you down for those same things

#29 Jul 24 - 5PM

onwithmylife

my thought

work on loving WHO you are, shy and all,nothing wrong with that, don't forget narcs are hollow creatures and they only feel good when they bring you down.............

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