Bad day

I dont know if it was to be expected but today was a really hard day for me , this weekend i had a run in with my narc where i let rip at him , i got nothing back from him apart from lame blaming and shaming , i dont know if i expected an apology or what really but it was a chance meeting and i exploded , he then freaked out at 2 of my girlfriends which is hard to take too . I have just felt wiped out all day with anxiety and the cryings back . after a couple of positive weeks where i thought things where finaly going well . I just want a sorry from him , a sorry i didnt deserve all that and he was an idiot .
How he think he can try and get my girlfriends on his side is laughable , he ran out when i was pregnant, they are never going to sancion that .
You know girlfriends i dont know how you girls who have to see youre narc do it, just a 5 minute interaction with mine has sent me in a spiral . Its like with no contact i had developed a mind set which was getting positive and self assured , i had changed and was being a new me but with 5 short minutes that was threatened and such bad feelings came flooding back , see , he hasnt changed , i thought because i had changed he might of done too .... fail .... I am in such stricked no contact now , i never want to here his stupid voise again .Im heading for 4 months no contact , i had a chat with a new theropist today but he is a man and very expencive.. i made an appointment but i may cancil it as i was having a panic attack at the time we talked . I may try group couciling which is free at the church ... i just wonder how much talking you can do before you go round in circles ... i wish it was 6 months time , i never wished for winter to come before im wishing my life away .
Scoop x