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Backtracked:(

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#1 Nov 18 - 10PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Backtracked:(

Hi all:)

I'm not sure what is going on with me but I feel like I have really backtracked with recovery.

I was feeling so strong and improved and now....not so much:(

I have lost some friends, my grandpa that I am very close with is ill, and I feel very...alone.

I am just starting to feel again like I made the xN leave me, some friends have left me......and now I'm back to blaming....or at least questioning myself.

I have previousy posted my story and have posts on the fight I had with my friends, so I won't go into it again.

I just hate this feeling. I was doing so well!

I am writing here because I HATE to admit this but some part of me wants to contact xN!

I know deep down somewhere in me this would be wrong otherwise i'd just do it instead of coming back here.....but the thought is there....Help!

Nov 18 - 11PM
Janet
Janet's picture

Stayingstrong, so glad you

Stayingstrong, so glad you posted here. Be kind to yourself, especially as things are a difficult right now. I am sorry about your grandfather. In hard times, when we most need and want the comfort of someone who cares, there might be a temptation to hope the xn is not as sick as he is. He is still sick and will make this time ever harder. Sometimes people fall out of our lives for different reasons. I too have had those thoughts many times during this last year; the "maybe it was me" thoughts. Living with pathology is so difficult and any anger or rage was just a protest against cruel behavior. Glad you came here. Sending good thoughts your way. Peace. J

Peace. J

Nov 18 - 10PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

StayingStrong

I don't know your story - you did the right thing by coming to the board...I see you joined 43 weeks ago...WOW! You state: I am just starting to feel again like I made the xN leave me, some friends have left me......and now I'm back to blaming....or at least questioning myself. I don't know how discussions were when you joined; however, what I have noticed, and others have commented the same for them is that once we become aware of Narcissism and all the behaviors associated with it, we also become aware of those behaviors in others - not sure if you've already covered this in previous posts. I also note your Grandpa is sick and you're close to him. It seems like you're having a tuff year, loss all around this certainly can take its toll. As far as you making the Narc go away - whether you did or you did not - if you still believe he's a narc, why would it make a difference if you did? Wouldn't that have been a good thing for your self preservation? OR, are you having second thoughts as to whether or not he's a narc? If he's a narc, than you saved yourself. Is it possible that maybe your grandpa's illness is triggering a "possible" loss?
Nov 18 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Steph
Steph's picture

michelle 115

Thanks for your response:) When I first was recovering, I was convinced that he is a narc. It was a therapst that first suggested it by things I told her....then I came here....and soon after I was certain he was one. My grampa being ill is definately making me down and triggered loss for me. You are right there. Recently, I have lost some friends and they said some things to me that hurt and has made me question myself. Because these friends have basically left me too....I guess I have started questioning now whether he actually was a narc or if it really was me. If that makes sense?
Nov 18 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Staying Strong

What is evident as a result of this experience is that it changes us - I'd like to think for the better. I don't know all the details of what transpired about your friends, but most of us are noticing that we also atrracted maybe not Narcs...but friends with narcissistic tendencies. We all have narcissistic tendencies to some degree or another - but some more than others and that is wher usually conflict arises once someone becomes sensitive to those traits. I started a thread on Judging others...I think I called it what I'm focusing on today or something like that. Brieseis made some good points about being sensitive to what others say at times...I can't quote her exactly, but that sometimes people say things and we have to search ourselves to see if it rings true. If the offense is based because of a truth they've brought to light we don't want to face, or because they're being a creep - both violations to our psyche - but one of them has good intentions...LOL If you feel there was no truth in what your friends had to say and it is cattiness - then your ditching them is a testament to your growth - you don't need to be around negativity but on the other hand, if it was a hurtful truth - then it is an opportunity for you to examine yourself more. Only you can make that determination and only you know your truth. This experience certainly leads to growth and you had a bit of an emotional setback today - but given the time you have under your belt, I tend to think that if you get centered, and of course, maybe chat it up a bit on the board...tomorrow might be a better day. We've also been discussing the moon - could be hormones too...could be a trigger. Try to see if you can put your finger on what the trigger is that brought you back. All the best - here's to friendship!
Nov 18 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Michele has said everything

Michele has said everything exactly. I would just like to emphasize again, that the emotional turmoil of illness or death seems to trigger this desire for contact. Because in a real relationship it is natural to want to lean on that other person. Sadly, we have this idea that they will feel something for us based on our history and they don't. Instead, what is going through their heads, is how can I take advantage of this moment of vulnerability. Sadly, it is just the truth. It is our need to want to get support from the one that was suppose to be there for us, but the N is not ever there for us. They are only there for them. And Michele was right about the friends as well. I have cut a few as well. I have said this many times and will say it again, in an article by Sandra Brown she talks about how, when we understand the one N in our life, we begin to see all the others around us. If there is one in our life, chances are there are others. I found this to be true. Stay strong. This is a learning process. And what I have learned is to stick close to those I know without a doubt to be genuine and let the others go. almostlydia

almostlydia