Backsliding

Hi, all! I see I've not been here for two moonths and that is a good sign for me.

However, I could use some help from the veterans here today.

I had a long ordeal to get away from N, but finally there has been no contact for almost six months and hopefully forever.

As I try to rebuild my life here, I find myself acting more and more like the Narc, not less. I yelled at someone on the phone last night, and I mean just ripped them a new one for not complying with my wishes.

I don't like this. I know it's wrong, and it gives people good reason to point at me and not the Narc. So, gosh darn, I've worked so so hard to get away from someone who hates himself, and whom I just couldn't help but end up hating, also, and now I hate myself. And when this happened, a little later I recognized feelings of guilt coming in, and I see myself rejecting those feelings because guilt is how Ns snag us to begin with, and it kind of becomes the enemy that you cannot afford to listen to when getting free. But guilt does serve a purpose. I no longer know whether to tell it to shutup or take over.

Gosh, I hope you can see that I feel like a horribly nasty person right now, and I cannot blame the Narc for this. Where the hell did I go? I used to be nice, I really think I was. Does anyone understand?

JCat