Back On The Wagon

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 22 - 11AM

truetotruth

Back On The Wagon

OK..so after a week or so of the blues blues....I made a decision today. Though I have been NC for almost 17 weeks minus 2 days..lol I feel the need to shake things off and begin anew.

I have a confession.... the texts he sent me (2 weeks ago), I was keeping them, rereading them, obsessing, searching...
NC is what is best for me. There is simply no other option.
While I have been maintaining it, he had a way to breach it. I can see this caused the hallow weary hopelessness that has crept in my heart. He is that toxic that even a texted statement quashed 14 weeks of N/C.

Today I deleted those texts. I am ready to get back on the wagon and steer my own buggy. He is OUT of the wagon.
I would read peoples storys and think OMG why are these guys doing this to these women. Honey !! Honey!! RUN RUN!!!Then I realized...One of those women is me. He is a hazard to my health. He is NEVER going to love me. For me. Ever.
Sickness or not the bottom line is that he will never be a source of love and light in my life. Period.

I am going to have hard days, I am going to need to be here and seek support. I know this.

Today I am not willing to lose anymore days to him when I should be recovering.

He is NOT going to change. That no longer matters. What matters is my survival. Maybe I will make it maybe I wont but I am going to pick my self up an try again.

2011 is not time for a new chapter. It's time for a new book. I truly believe I did everything humanly possible for this man.

It took all that I had to Delete those words of I love you..but when I looked..really looked...they are exactly the same as before. Look where all his undying love brought me? PTSD? Anxiety, fear, anger, devastation, drifting away from loved ones into a saftey shell.
Loss of confidence, loss of laughter, loss of all hope.

Love does not carry these things.Love does not lead you into a dark hole, it pushes you into the light. So I am running to my mountain top...I will wait there until I am ready to come down.

#2 Dec 23 - 3PM

Briseis

Your post is the best

Your post is the best excellent example of big girl panties :D Take BACK that power. Step on him!

#3 Dec 22 - 3PM

michele115 (not verified)

True to Truth

He is NOT going to change. That no longer matters. What matters is my survival. Maybe I will make it maybe I wont but I am going to pick my self up an try again. CHANGE YOUR MINDSET... Remove the Maybe... You will make it.

#4 Dec 22 - 12PM

Deidre99

''Sickness or not the bottom

''Sickness or not the bottom line is that he will never be a source of love and light in my life. Period.'' THIS is a powerful remark. I love this. I feel the same way--he helped me in some ways, but the ''friendship'' was not a source of love and light. It was toxic. I think too...that for some of us, we get ''addicted'' to the drama and chaos that these people bring to our lives. Life becomes thrilling...a challenge...I think as humans, we like challenges. But, these types of challenges are not what we need. Bungee jumping is thrilling. lol Dealing with a grown man-baby, is not thrilling...it's tiring...and depleting. No having all that drama and negativity driven at me this past week, has helped me focus more on other things in my ilfe, that I realize were falling away. Just food for thought. Good luck with sticking with NC! You can do this! :=)

#5 Dec 22 - 11AM

spinning

You go, girl

T to T, Keep sending messages from the mountain top. People like me need them now. You are brave. I haven't been able to delete the texts, though I do not look at them. Maybe one day... Good work, T to T. I am committed to doing the work, too. Sincerely (trying to stop) spinning

spinning

#6 Dec 22 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

truetotruth

Spinning

Thanks for the support!! Are you on the new forum? Is anyone actively there??? I am not brave my lil top but I keep reading stories, over and over....they are all the same...the discard..lure back..discard..lure back.....its insane..its sick..its never going to change. I really want to walk on solid ground. I want to smile from within my soul....though I cant help but get caught up sometimes its important to reset my track....even if i have to do it a million times...its better than falling into the dregs of insanity again. HE Will not change.....the texts are lies. If they were true after he hurt me and threw me away the first time he would have "woken up" and said WOW epic fail!!! Never Never do that again. I love her. Trust takes years to build , only seconds to break , and forever to repair." This was his attempt at round 5. NO MORE!!! RARRRRRRRR lol

#7 Dec 22 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

spinning

Unfortunately, not so new...

I've been a member for 33 weeks, began reading about six months before that. That's how long I've been in and out of hell. It's been a process. I googled some of his behaviors and landed here and everything began clicking. Fast. So fast it made my head "spin." I've been spinning to get out ever since. I haven't posted much in all that time because it's scary for me. I am approaching 7 weeks NC and want to get this whole thing behind me. Don't know if that will ever be possible. I am 53 years old. Wasted almost six years with this "person." He's younger, but not so young to behave the way he has. Those years from 47 to 53 are precious and gone. And I don't even know who I am any more. He stole from me; I held my hand open always, making it easy for him to take, take, take. I know all of this intellectually, thanks in large part to this site. His final D & D is so hurtful, so masterful, so mind-bending that I can't hardly deal with it. So I am now choosing not to. I want to climb that mountain and walk in the light, too. One day I may share my story but it is so specific (we met via my job, small rural communities, both high visibility jobs) that I cannot couch it enough right now to feel safe. It is, like all the stories, the ultimate horror story. It began, like all the stories, as the epic love story. Gag. It had, like all the stories, drama, drama, drama in between. Uck. Stay strong, T to T. Thank you for sharing and for asking. sincerely (trying to stop) spinning

spinning

#8 Dec 22 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

truetotruth

Spinning

And I don't even know who I am any more. He stole from me; I held my hand open always, making it easy for him to take, take, take. I know all of this intellectually, thanks in large part to this site. His final D & D is so hurtful, so masterful, so mind-bending that I can't hardly deal with it. So I am now choosing not to. I want to climb that mountain and walk in the light, too. I am positive all of us range in age..which means these guys like cancer do not discriminate. Your words of not knowing who you are anymore....I have read at least a dozen times on this forum, I have written them myself in the last 4 years over a thousand times. When you are ready you can tell your story but not until then. I am heading up to my mountain Spinning..you can come too...I extend my hand to you. ( its a huge mountain top and if you like you can have your very own. I will ask you to imagine a beautiful mountain top. Nothing but quiet and blue sky full of white puffy clouds as far as the eye can see. Assume the lotus pose and close your eyes. Let the pain flow through your body and then let it drip out of your finger tips. Let it flow until you are empty. When you are tired, rest your head. When you are strong stretch up and out. May sound corny but it works. I wont bother you on the mountain top...but if you get worried remember you are not alone.

#9 Dec 22 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

spinning

Bless you,

T to T. Your beautiful vision is allowing me to let some of the tears out. I will practice this exercise when I get home and make it part of my daily practice until I see the light. Bless you dear heart. sincerely (trying hard to stop) spinning

spinning

#10 Dec 22 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

truetotruth

Spinning 2

Im glad it helps....I do it when I am really hurting or can't sleep. Also feel free to add in anything you like lol its your imagination".....I like the mountain cause its so high up maybe metophorically I am trying to get closer to the heavens.....you could do anything you find breath taking, just remember to feel everything and let it flow out.

#11 Dec 22 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

truetotruth

Spinning 3

ohhhh P.S... I meant the "new AARN"forum....I knew you were not "new here" hows that for confusing......

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