Back again, feel like shit...

Well I'm ashamed to admit that I wasn't so Brave after all and I broke NC despite everyone's good advice, I guess I had to learn the hard way. Anyway I ended it this morning via text, not a nice thing to do but considering she's done it to me via ST then I figured it's rather courteous of me in comparison.

She had previously explained to me about her commitment issues, not wanting a relationship etc. But I was still happy to just have a sexual thing with her as I was strongly attracted to her in that way, it turns out I couldn't even have that either. As I've explained in previous posts she was into withholding and so it turned into some bizarre, sexless "friendship" with the odd crumb of affection and sexual teasing thrown in occasionally. And she never forgot to casually mention how her previous "things" with some girls had been very sexual. I began to think well why not with me? Why am I different? Does she not even find me sexually attractive? I'm not pretty enough etc...although she never made any personal comments about my appearance and we didn't argue I've never been made to feel so undesirable, unsexy, unwanted and unattractive as I do now. I got tired of the sexual rejection and we weren't even going out anywhere for meals, the cinema etc.
Last night I silently cried while I lay in bed next to her, I could feel it beginning to chip away at me, I've often wondered if she's been trying to get rid of me so this morning I saved her the job and sent her the following text:
"I think we should leave it now, it makes sense. Don't worry, no drama or hard feelings."
That was an hour or so ago and so far I'm thankful to have received the ST (she is at work though) but I would rather her give me silence then spew forth a load of abusive venom. Anyway, I think I've done the right thing. Part of me will miss her but I won't miss the constant feeling of rejection and not being good enough. I would rather be on my own.

Xxx