Ask Yourself This Question If The Split Is Recent

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#1 Oct 28 - 12AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Ask Yourself This Question If The Split Is Recent

Thinking about going back? Thinking about all the great times to keep from facing the reality that he just won't ever love you the way you deserve to be loved? Doubting that he's driven you to the point of madness and still thinking that it might just have been all your fault?

Ask yourself this question. If you died tomorrow...would the man you just left shed a single tear when he heard the news (presupposing, of course, there is no audience present)? Do you think he'd show up at your funeral? (I mean if there's nothing in it for him, like good PR or something).

Let me share this. Mr. Wonderful...never lifted a finger when my mom was sick with terminal cancer...he offered no emotional support...I never even got an "I'm sorry" when she died...he didn't even hold my hand at her funeral. It was like being with a glacier...I didn't want him to attend and he insisted, stating, "I have my reasons"...and of course, forget my feelings about it; hell she was just my mom after all and he has to maintain his image for my grieving father (who now dislikes him).

Five months after I left him, they found a 5 mm unruptured aneurysm in my cerebral artery (brain)...3 days after that, I was on an operating table having it repaired. Never saw hide nor hair of him at that time or at any time while I was recovering. That was the person I spent 7 years of my life with and that's what I meant to him...absolutely nothing. The diagnosis and treatment were scary as hell...but I never missed his presence, because he was never present at any time before during times of crisis. It forced me to look back on the last 7 years and KNOW in my heart that I made the right decision.

For you personally, you know what the answer to the above questions are...and you know what you need to do now.....don't you? Get busy...the rest of your life awaits you and you're pissing precious moments of it away obsessing over a ghost.

#2 Oct 29 - 3AM

ifinallygotit

good post

often thought if I was dying by the side of the road he would not help me. broke up with him in summer 2004 when I was much healthier only a few years in and told him he was a fake and did not care if I was dead or alive on his voicemail. he did not pursue me but took me back instantly a few months later when i had a weak moment. When I was on way to ER this summer with concussion, I texted that I had seroius injury and was on way to ER - he did not call or text until I said I was going for a CT scan of brain. Then he knew he had to call or he would look really like a bad guy. We spoke that day and I never heard from him ever again - had a bad concussion for a month and was alone struggling.. Not someone to grow old with!

#3 Oct 28 - 8PM

tresor2

Syren, here I thought I was special and

that I was the only one who recieved the type of treatment you described, LOL. What a horrible piece of shit...a total reptile. I'm sorry that you were treated this way. I once asked N if he'd come to my funeral and he didn't reply. He probably would come if there were promises of future supply...funerals are a great place to target vulnerable people. When my granddaugter was born, she had to have open heart surgery and he never asked about her and didn't come to the hospital to see my daughter whom he knew well. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I told him about it, he decided that this was the appropriate time to come clear about living with someone else. Very similar to how yours responded to the brain aneurysm...I got the feeling he enjoyed the fact I was sick and his sadistic ass poured more salt on the wound. No support and he knew I was going through radiation; he simply vanished after I blew up at him. He had his supply and I was defective. I had a friend that went through what you did and I understand how dangerous the surgery is. I'm glad that you made it through and that they caught it before it ruptured. I wasn't really "with" N but, for 8 years, he was the only person I dated, on/off. I never felt like I meant anything to him. I believe that I gave myself cancer behind stressing, the crazymaking behavior, being deceived and betrayed and the rest of it. Everything that we're warned about in terms of N damage is true. It can literally kill us. And while we're trying to survive, they've moved on to the next victim. Your advice about life and pissing it off on Casper says it well. Great post. Thanks.

#4 Oct 28 - 6PM

onwithmylife

syren66

It is a good post, I sent some months ago a card to the narc and said i was struggling financially as I sold my place for a huge loss, and never heard anything back, he could not care if i was dead or alive REALLY.this was after 15 years together and i was there for him for every important thing in his life, operations,etc, you name it going to his defense against one of his exwives If he were human he could have sent me back an encouraging note, anything...

#5 Oct 28 - 8AM

Hunter

Syren you are wrong.. Narcs

Syren you are wrong.. Narcs would attend our funerals.. However, for different reasons .. Public appearance and acting are what they do best.. Look at all the attention(supply) the mourning widower would receive.. Hunter

#6 Oct 28 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

tresor2

Actually Hunter,

Narcs attend funerals to "pick up" on our friends and/or anything else that looks like narc food. If there's money in the estate, they might decide to zoom in on the surviving spouse, especially if they are close to death. They're not concerned about gender; anything will do.

#7 Oct 28 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

Gaia

AGREE

Hunter , you took the words out my mouth! I was just thinking that too, because they ALWAYS have to look good. /with love SG

#8 Oct 28 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

Syren66 (not verified)

Allow me to repeat...IF there

Allow me to repeat...IF there were nobody present to impress....would he show? I think not.

#9 Oct 28 - 4AM

Gaia

dead or alive

this fu*ker wont give a crap if I am dead or alive, I know this. He put my life and my childs life in danger a few times (ie. crazy driving..violent episodes..mostly with me not my child), plus the creep once told me that he had a dream, like a day dream that i was going to die, and he would be stuck (is how he put it) taking care of my child, now why in the HELL would this man think something like this....??? It makes me want to vomit, I thank the gods..I am still alive. This forum (and the universe)saved my life. I am forever greatful!

#10 Oct 28 - 2AM

freaked

NH couldnt give a damn about me dead or alive

syren, of course the answer is NO NO NO...he is not going to shed a tear at my funeral. he would flying out on a jetplane with some female or male who he would be bedding at that time. i hope to live long because, i want to experience a peaceful life with just me and kid.. I am no longer obsessing about the maniac. right now, i am consolidating things for the future. he is not even a human being in my eyes now. I guess my one and only mistake in life was...at third decade i panicked that i had not yet come across the right guy...and when i was offered up as a proposal in a regular arranged marriage sort of thing...and in the first meeting with this guy he floored me completely. same taste in books, music, social behavior...ewwwwww...i wonder if my brother was the villain who gave out classified info to NH as they were colleagues... so i don't really know whom I should pin finally for this debacle...my narc father who was so anxious to be rid of me that he didn't care to do some background checks...or my narc brother who was perhaps all his life waiting for the opportunity to screw my life thoroughly...or myself ..for being such an idiot and not realizing that IF something seems to be too good to be true...then surely it must be fake. I can go on and on in this retrospective vein...but it would be wasting my Today and Tomorrow. Hence, i will sign off now by saying we cannot change our past..but we can learn to accept Realities in the Present and plan for our Tomorrow.

#11 Oct 28 - 12AM

Victim-no-more

Its funny you asked about

Its funny you asked about whether our Ns would attend our funerals, shed a tear,etc. I've thought about that many times before. I dont think mine would be at my funeral....he would probably feel genuinely shocked for a minute if he heard that I had died, but feel actual sadness? Nahh. No wait. Possibly....he may think, oh no, now I can definitely never get anymore supply from her :( they are miserable creatures.

#12 Oct 28 - 1AM (Reply to #2)

Syren66 (not verified)

I Thought I Was The Only One

Who thought stuff like this. The xN would not attend. I'm thinking his reaction would be identical to the one you described about the xN you left. Kind of like how animals view death...mostly with curiosity and hey, any good parts left that I can cannibalize? I did some estate planning a few months ago...in my living will, it is stated that he is not allowed anywhere near me if I am incapacitated and my family is under strict orders to throw his ass out if I die and he shows up at my memorial. Trust me, they will honor those wishes to the letter. This isn't about my hostility toward him...my son does not need to be subjected to that predator if he loses his mom. And the xN will use him if it suits him.

#13 Oct 28 - 3AM (Reply to #3)

freaked

syren, may you live a long and peaceful life

That's a good thing you've done. BUT i want you to live long and full life. Don't let that N ruin your happiness. I firmly believe today that a PD catches hold of us because we have to pay some karmic debts. sorry if i am bringing in some cultural beliefs here, but even i never believed in the karma theory until 8 months back when i began my extensive research..first on my husband's infidelity and next on PD. we have all suffered .. we all deserve to live many years of peaceful LIFE. Syren, i am praying that you live a long life because your child loves you and need you.

#14 Oct 28 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

b3base

No he wouldn't

He wouldn't go to my funeral because everyone I know can't stand him would be there. They all saw through him. He knows they don't like him and he always avoided them like the plague. I had a miscarriage last year two days before he left. I called and told him. All he could say is one word, "sorry". Some friends of mine came to visit me. They brought a dozen roses, a card and hugged and cried with me. What was my "husband" doing? Sitting on the couch as usual with his laptop. He still has never said another word to me about it since. All together I have had 3 miscarriages; underwent a surgery in order to do IVF. All of this for us. He left me with all the medical bills from this and raged when I asked him to help pay for half. He never paid anything. I was in the waiting room (for a regular appt.) that we had been in so many times with all of the miscarriages and IVF a week or so ago. Tears began to stream down my face with all of the painful memories in that room. I had a moment of weakness and I texted him that I was in that room and how painful it was after the miscarriages and IVF. Two hours later he texted back: "The question I have for you is why are you digging into all of this. I'm trying to move on with my life." It was something we went through "together". I am still grieving the losses. He never shed one tear or showed any emotion. The loss of 3 possible children wasn't enough to stir up any grief of any kind. So he sure won't give a darn when I die.

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