arguing and fights

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#1 Dec 20 - 9PM
blueworld
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arguing and fights

no wonder i never got anywhere ever with him
i was arguing with someone who had a constant inner fight

Dec 21 - 4PM
Im_always_fine
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I quit talking years ago.

I quit talking years ago. EVERYTHING out of my mouth was an opportunity for him to argue with me. So I quit speaking. He hasn't quit talking for YEARS!!!!!! TALK...TALK...TALK. A roommate of his years ago pulled him aside and told him that he "bombards" me with pointless constant chatter. It still comes at me from unexpected directions. A simple comment becomes a competition. A couple of nights ago I almost came in and posted. We'd been watching The Aviator...I mentioned that when I was kid in the early 70's that we used to stay at a particular hotel in Vancouver. Once when we were there on our boat my Mom pointed up to a floor in the hotel and said, "Wave to Howard Hughes." That's how I found our who he was. My Mom explained that he kept an entire floor at this hotel and was often there. The next thing I know he's ARGUING WITH ME!! That HH died in the 60's. HE DIDN'T!! I said I thought he died around '75. He argued that he wouldn't have rented a "whole floor" HE DID!! Why the hell wouldn't he...he was the richest man in the world! Frustrated I left the room a googled Howard Hughes....sure enough...he died in 76...kept hotels around the world in Boston, VANCOUVER, Las Vegas and many other cities. THERE it is on Wikipedia. He wouldn't come and look. ASS! I'm CONSTANTLY defending the simplest comments. Events that happened when he didn't know me. Facts about my life. He calls me a liar despite...witnesses...photos... His mother does the same says I'm not who I say I am and I haven't done what I've said I've done. I can't believe they argue with me about MY f'ing LIFE! I was there ...they weren't! I have to remember not to talk in front of him. Mostly as he's talking now. I just say the vilest things to him and about him in my mind to entertain myself.
Dec 21 - 3PM
Twyla
Twyla's picture

The Fighting

Hello everyone. I agree with you. I had an N for 6 years and 10 months. The first year we did not fight and everything was perfect. He always complimented me and told me that he was so glad that he had met me, and that I was very special to him. But then all of a sudden it seemed as if we were arguing all the time. I mean over the simplest things. I really got frustrated, and refused to let him say anything he wanted to me that was disrespectful, and I also refused to let him disrespect me in front of people. I just did not get why he was acting this way. Also, as far as the silent treatment and the withholding of sex; I mean this was unbelievable to me to read other postings that I have actually experienced. My N would withhold sex for weeks. I believe that he did cheat on me for a short period of time, and during this time I believe that whomever he was cheating with, realized that he was probably too demanding, and did not want any part of it. That thought has definitely helped me get through this. I am always fighting to keep my self-esteem high because he would find things about me to comment negatively on. For instance, a whole year, he had told me that I was FAT. Yes, I gained a few pounds, but I did not ever expect those words to come out of his mouth. He showed me…that that statement was too easy for him to say. Finally, I lost 22 pounds, and he never said or acknowledged that I had lost weight. I had to ask him if he noticed and he replied with “yes, I noticed!” And I asked, “Well why did you not comment on the fact that I had lost weight? He replied with “I just didn’t”. I truly though that something was wrong with this picture. He was quick to criticize my weight when I gained it, but once I lost the weight (presuming because this was something positive and in my favor) he chose not to comment or compliment me on it. After that, I realized that I wasn’t going to ever be good enough for him nor that I was not going to do anything the right way for him. Talk about frustrating, this was driving me crazy. I thought something was wrong with me. I truly at first wanted things to work out between us because of the time spent and the fact that I already knew him, but as time passed, I realized that I do not know him. He changes like the wind sometime. But I will always remember what Oprah Winfrey said, “When someone shows you their true self, believe them.” That is when everything clicked with me. I have to realize that he is incapable of loving me and treating me the way that I deserve to be treated. He is who he is, and he is not going to change. I am practicing the NC rule, but honestly, I always backslide and he catches me off guard. Sometimes, I think that he wants me to totally beg him to come back to me. I refuse to be that desperate. What I will say is that for me, it’s getting easier to ignore his stupidity by not entertaining his actions or words. I continue to remember that he does not care anything about me, and that it is all about him. This way it keeps me grounded and straight. Hopefully, once we get everything situated as far as separating our belongings, I can truly honor the NC rule.
Dec 21 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ding,Ding,Ding.. We have a

Ding,Ding,Ding.. We have a winner.. Keep up the good work . Hunter
Dec 20 - 10PM
aceonelady
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Blueworld...fights

Mine told me many times the only thing that's was worth living for is peace and quiet...and that he do not like fights or arguments...But i remenber he was always angry...Once,we were on Skype and he got silent on me after raging,did hung up the phone on me...5 minutes later,he calls me back raging again...telling me he was so angry at me and that when i make him angry he gets a hard on...and that he wishes i was there so he would let me feel his hard D**k...They are sick...And normally he had ED

Aceonelady

Dec 21 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
NessMIA
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did we date the same guy?

Wow mine would say that all the time "I hate fights, and confrontations, I just want to be calm and in peace." Yet he'd throw his phone at the wall whenever he got mad, and would get pissy about anything and everything!!!!
Dec 21 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

nessmia

NOW i am convince we really all did date the same man, mine would say to me when ever i wanted a discussion, i was always calm and level headed ," all i want is peace and quiet" and then i would same here, we never ever got anything resolved and I am not even talking big issues, just little stupid things, he must have so much INNER TURMOIL, that they cannot handle anyone else life..............Here is a good one, he would say' I can't take all this arguing', we were discussing,not arguing and so i said there would be no couples in the whole world still together if you cannot discuss anything, NUTSO, next................
Dec 20 - 10PM
walking_on_sunshine
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war

Hehe, I had much of the same thoughts today. He is so self destructive and just masochistic. I pictured him as a tornado, so out of control, destroying everything in its path, but not actually having a direction.
Dec 20 - 9PM
Susan32
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It's tiring

Ns/Ps live for the fighting. For them, it means PASSION. If you fight them, they think you're into them. The final D&D was one long,dragged-out fight that went over several months. One of the clearest memories I had of the ex-Psych&his future wife was how they fought as she ran after him down the stairs (he had abandoned her in front of his colleagues, without introducing her) For some reason, I couldn't envy their argument. I didn't see them as the Happy Couple. No public displays of affection. I never saw kissing or hand holding. It was that fight that stuck in my mind. A life of constant fighting is not something I'd want or envy.
Dec 21 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Ns/Ps live for the fighting.

Ns/Ps live for the fighting. For them, it means PASSION. If you fight them, they think you're into them. Man, isn't that the complete truth. Fighting was like a sport for xnh. He actually told me that he "loves a good argument". Our relationshit was a battlefield because of him. He could drag a fight out for WEEKS sometimes (and over the stupidest things). We even got into arguments about whether or not we were arguing. Xnh just LOVED to fight. I learned very quickly to cringe when I would get an argument between us FINALLY calmed down, and xnh would say, "I'm not trying to fight any more (yes, he was), but I just want ask you ONE thing..." I knew that whatever he said would be something caustic and hurtful, and xnh was trying to bait me back into the boxing ring for round #1,786,412 of the same fight he'd previously picked. I used to call xnh a scab picker because he would pick and pick and pick until everything between us was so infected that I would finally explode from the torment. Then there would be hostile, verbal puss flying out of my fresh wounds. Xnh absolutely LOVED the drama. It was almost impossible for me to escape from it around xnh. I NEVER knew what was going to set him off. Xnh was completely exhausting. I HATE fighting. I like peace, quiet, and harmony. I haven't had a single argument with anyone during the entire 19 months since xnh's D&D (even though he accused ME of starting every single fight during our entire 16 year relationshit). This was PURE projection. Hmmmm, I wonder what was the "common denominator" in all of our fights. Let me guess...xnh! lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Dec 21 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
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What? No honeymoon period?

Getting into fights over stupid things... that is so aggravating. If a person is going to fight, it has to be WORTH fighting. After the final D&D, I moved back in with my parents... and my mother would pick fights over the Beatles, you name it... and I was thinking "isn't that why I left New Mexico?" I thought New Mexico had been in my rearview mirror... and here I was, in Oregon, dealing with it AGAIN. When I moved out, I told my mother it was because I was tired of the fighting... nearly a carbon copy for what I told the ex-Psych. I told the ex-P "I'd rather you be happy with your girlfriend than unhappy with me, because we're fighting all the time." The look on his face was UTTER SHOCK. The ex-P liked starting fights... and he was rather out&proud about it. It was one of those things he didn't project onto me. When he flaunted his girlfriend (now wife) for the sake of picking a fight... it ended with him fighting her, instead of her&I fighting each other (I made a snarky joke about the mud wrestling pit at the upper dorms the next day) MOST Ns flaunt a honeymoon period with their new partners;they put some effort into making a facade that all is well. Here I was, EXPECTING a marathon make-out session, a peaceable conversation, a contrast to what I had suffered... I didn't get that. I expected to see them practically chewing each other's faces with French kisses... NOT chewing each other out. I wasn't happy with the constant fights. I did EVERYTHING to make the peace (it aggravated him) I'd be the one engaging in de-escalation, calming him down, serenely asking him why he was angry. Since I kept my cool around him... I can now keep my cool with a sometimes shrieking, tantrumming nephew! The ex-P was just a trial run. But when toddlers throw fits, they have a reason (OK, sometimes they don't) But thank goodness there are ZERO expectations for an adult, mature conversation.
Dec 21 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

I agree. I'd rather deal

I agree. I'd rather deal with a toddler than a narc. At least you KNOW why a toddler is immature, and you can expect that they'll eventually outgrow their infantile behavior. It's really much uglier to see this behavior on an "adult" (very loosely speaking). My honeymoon period with xnh was pretty brief. It only lasted a few months. Xnh wouldn't finalize his divorce with his first wife after he had started a relationship with me. It caused all kinds of friction between us, and I've wondered about a million times exactly WHY I didn't walk away from him when the fighting started. Instead I contorted myself in all kinds of ways trying to make peace/happiness with xnh, and to extend the brief honeymoon period. Never again. In the future, if I'm not accepted exactly as I am, I'm gone from the relationship. I won't twist and bend myself for anyone else ever again. I am me. Take it or leave it. The price with xnh was way too high, and it hurt me way too much.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Dec 20 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
walking_on_sunshine
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Susan, my final d&d was one

Susan, my final d&d was one long dragged out fight as well, makes me tired just thinking about it.
Dec 20 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

One long tantrum

All I did was tell the ex-P I loved him... and it was like the cataclysmic eruption of Krakatoa. It was exhausting. No wonder I'd sleep in, take baths, have periods of insomnia then sleeping like a child. To aggravate matters, the ex-P was drinking heavily at the time (those rumors ended up being validated) I went thru it cold sober. Somehow. "I love you" ends up leading to all hell breaking loose.. IN PUBLIC. I wasn't D&D'd behind closed doors like most Ns do. It was like dealing with a toddler. The strange irony is that the ex-P is from Massachusetts, his father, Nicholas, went to Harvard... and now I have a 2 year old nephew, in Massachusetts, his father Nicholas went to Harvard. I will take the 2 year old ANY TIME. I PREFER toddlers. It's much easier dealing with a 2 year old throwing a fit over Bob the Builder (or Richard Scarry's "Naughty Bunny") than a 36 year old constantly throwing fits. Toddlers can be tiring... but NOT that way.