ARGHHHHHH!!!

wow - i can get angry - and you know what - right now it feels quite ok. Im allowed to be. even if it makes no difference to him - for me to be able to be angry (normally so when ones been hurt) and learn not feel guilty afterwards - its a really big thing i have to learn.

The xN just popped round to pick up some bits for NY.

I was calm - told him to leave his keys.

to which he said hes not going to do this until he has all his possessions.

Then he started trying to bargain.

"why, why, why are you doing this now? this is shit for me too you know. is this because you thought we might get back together and now you know its definite...?'

In my head im thinking - damn right and im also reminding myself that this man is a complete liar and its how its got him away with everything in life.

so i calmly told him. (whilst mildly shaking and trying not to show it!)

well if you'd care to tell me why you lied to me so much and still are, oh and why you decided to cut me off overnight and leave, ignore me for weeks, leave me paying all the rent and bills and then act like nothings happened and you're the wounded soldier then maybe we can talk.

to which he quickly ran out the room and started saying 'look break ups are never easy.'

Then decided to come back on and say "god you're so angry"

my reply: Damn right im angry
xn: i understand.
me: No you dont.
xn: no you're right i dont
me: at least you're being honest now. (or was he? i never know anymore)

pause - he walks into the front room
then kinda half walks back on the bedroom

'look just cause you're not dealing with the fact that i dont wanna be with you'
then runs out the room.

Me: uh. No i think you've got it mixed up. I am dealing with it. You're not.
And the reason - you know, i know the truth about your lies.

To which he ran out the door!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i keep finding out from people today (friends who are starting to see the truth of the situation) that he is going around saying im a pscyho mental snooping paranoid woman. His last girlfriend was just a mentalist.

It is taking everything in my power not to tell the world that he is an asshole.

I know tomorrow when i wake up, or even later tonight i will start feeling guilty for being angry. This is something id do in the relationship. He'd verbally attack me - i would do whatever the moment allowed (if i wasnt too stunned) to defend myself. then he wouldnt talk to me for a couple of days. And then id do all the apologising. I want to break this habit of mine. Its not served me in the past. Nothing ever changed anyway.

NC i know is the next step. Just gotta get everything thats his out of here...