New to this as I've mentioned before. Aren't Ns human? Shouldn't we be trying to help them through this pd if they genuinely seem to want help! Or is their asking for help just more attention seeking behaviour?
I held on to the belief that exn was capable of human emotions and empathy. I am the poster girl for trying to help him with ALL of his issues, and that of his children. When I was at the end of my rope because I'd given far more than 100%, and emotionally exhausted, he dropped (D&D) me without blinking an eye. It didn't faze him that I said I felt taken for granted and I was scared of losing him. He kicked me out because I voiced it to him. He picked up with the new gf right in front of me - when I was an emotional wreak. He said he wanted "help and understanding",but he didn't want to go to a professional. He wanted me to fix him (which was a lie). He had complete control and I had been brainwashed to believe no one else would want me, and that I was lucky to be with him.
Listen to the truth you are told - he wants YOU to think that YOU can help him. I though the exn was not really a N, but he is and he WILL NOT CHANGE.
Listen to yourself because you know the truth in your gut, and it sounds like you are trying to reason yourself out of it.
Be strong.
We should try and and when the boat sinks and they take off on the life raft dont be shocked.
I wanted to die towards the end of helping the x. The more you give the more they take.
My charming fellow hooked me back in the first time by telling me that he had "seen the light" and was attending CoDependency classes, even invited me along. He also had a therapist that he thought "loved" him. Does this tell you anything about their methods for getting better???
ExN regularly attends CoDA meetings. Like the ones for AA, but for codependents.
Isn't that spooky? When you consider the unwitting souls that attend these meetings. They'll never suspect they're spilling their guts out to an N. Ugh! Such a twisted and perverse use of a program that's meant to help people.
I think exN knows there's something wrong with him, but he certainly isn't going to be cured in a CoDA meeting. He's just going to prey on the next naive girl.
Too bad there isn't a little screening process for those types of meetings.
Yes, technically, which in their case means very little. Most species of the Animal Kingdom have more ability to love and feel empathy than the Narc.
There's a reason the word "evil" exists and they're it.
You've heard the term "emotional vampire?" They're also it.
You said: "I just don't want to turn my back on mine until I'm sure I've exhausted all possibilities, done all I can"
He will most certainly "let" you do just that. Exhaust yourself until there is nothing left. Is that what you really want to do with your life and love?
To look at it another way, is there a chance my N isn't really a narcissist if he is seeking help? I've often though he could be bipolar. He does have emotions, cries at sad films for instance. Maybe he has some N traits but not a full-blown PD? or am I being duped??
And if that one N trait is no empathy, then what? Are you going to teach him empathy? Exn compared me to his late wife - where was the empathy for her or for me or his children? And exn cried when he wanted to manipulate me.
working for you in some way? I don't think so, but I thought I would ask. If you are involved with someone who has you questioning like this, what is it that you are clinging to? This confusion will not go away with a PD.
It doesn't matter what the diagnosis is, what matters is that the "relationship" has you twisted up in knots and has landed you here. In my experience, this will not change. If you want to choose to continue, these feelings of confusion will not go away...it is part and parcel of being involved with a disordered person.
It wouldn't matter what the answer is to your question above. The mere fact that you have to ask it tells me that this is not a good relationship for you. Loving someone should not be so confounding and confusing and PAINFUL.
Please read, read, read. The answers will present themselves when you are ready to receive them.
Sincerely,
(not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE ME
YES IT IS ATTENTION SEEKING....
IF THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, I WOULD GO TO A DOCTOR , THERAPIST...NOT GO ROUND GATHERING WOMEN OR MEN, TO HELP ME.....THEY ARE SO FULL OF BS...
They have blood running through their veins if that's what you mean..
They don't want help..
Do think there is a cure for Charles Manson?
You need to understand that they are one step shy of a serial killer..
Read.. Join our support group.. Charity starts at home.. Your home.
Hunter
I guess I'm still in denial - I find I can't believe my N did the things he did because he can be so great. I don't want to detract from your views which are obviously very strong but don't you think this disorder could have varying degrees and that some Ns could be helped? Maybe some have serious mental
Health issues? I just don't want to turn my back on mine until I'm sure I've exhausted all possibilities, done all I can. Is it really so certain that they can't manage their disorder? I suppose I'm just too nice. I often think I must have depressed mine and that's why he did bad stuff as he can't take stress. R they really dangerous as in serial killer??
You indicate he's in AA, he solicits hookers, and I'm sure that's just the surface!!
You said you have a child.. Is this a role model for your child?? You are teaching your child that it is ok to put up with abusive men..
You are exposing your own body to STD...
When is enough??. This topic has been studied and re studied.. The answers don't change..
I guess if you keep looking for your solution to the the problem you will eventually find it..
Goldie is extensively trained .. I suggest a one on with her..
Hunter
Yes everything you say makes sense. I guess I just can't accept there's no hope for anyone and that people can't change. I've never slept with him since I found out all the stuff and we r separated now but he's still in my life because of our child and he has been so nice for months and seems to be making changes in his thinking and his actions.
I suppose I am just living in a dream thinking his changes r real. It's so scary to find out someone u trusted is so weird! I don't think I ever got over the shock and still in disbelief.
Processing this requires a lot of time..
Therapy is a must.. I'm sorry..
This man is an abuser..
I too always believed there was good in everyone.. I'm here to tell you its not always the case..
The Man I was involved with is PURE EVIL... There is no hope..
There is hope for a bright future for both you and your child.. minus this abuser..
Hunter
Ns cannot be helped. They don't want to be helped, they don't believe anything is wrong with someone as perfect as they perceive themselves to be. They think we are the ones with a problem. They are able to manipulate even the most astute therapist. There might be varying degrees (though N behaviour is always atrocious in the extreme) but he would still have a disorder. If you are here it's because you are in pain, there is confusion, and you are unhappy in the situation. Knowledge is all, read Lisa's books, read everything you can, read the posts on the forum so you can compare experiences. From knowledge comes insight and the strength to change your situation. Write a list of every bad experience and read often. Eventually, you won't remember anything he was as 'great', you'll remember he was evil, you won't be able to recall one good time. Yes, they can be/turn extremely violent unexpectedly- my xN did. Turn your back on him and run. Next step NC - we are all behind you.
to the forum.
All the information you seek is right here. Please read Lisa's blogs and Goldie's blogs. They will help clear the fog.
Read, read, read. It is imperative to understand what you are dealing with (It's the first step here on The Path Forward). Lisa's books offer much insight and information.
I hope this helps some.
Sincerely,
(not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT
They are beasts looking for us to feed them....
They play victims for attention...
They get angry for attention...
They do everything for attention...
They can NEVER be helped!!!!!
Do not feed the beast!!!!
Oh....and welcome new member!!!!
You will find all the support you need right here from all of us who have been where you are!!!
I hope you find this forum as helpful as I have found it to be!!!
Good luck on your journey forward!!
xoxo
with diamonds? Love your name & welcome. I've read that they can change IF they really want to & with lots of intense psychotherapy. This RARELY happens. When they tell you they want to change, it's almost always manipulation.
Lucy
Yeah sure
Lucy.....
Run4it
Yes, technically, which in
Lucyinthesky
Duped?
And if that one N trait is no
lucyinthesky
Lucy, is this confusion
spinning
lucyinthesky
They have blood running
I guess I'm still in denial -
You indicate he's in AA, he
Yes everything you say makes
Processing this requires a
Ns cannot be helped. They
Hi, Lucy, and welcome
spinning
They are beasts looking for
Oh....and welcome new
Lucyinthesky