Are all N's obseessed with their children?

My ex-narc didn't have children but I have a friend who's stepdad is a narcissist and he bullies his children. He bullies them worse than anyone would ever do in a school. He belittles them and abuses them. Mostly verbally but also physically by making one of his children beat his other child. So he actually teaches his children to bully each other. Then there's the praising part. Can't relate to it myself but I've heard narcissist praise their kids to the point of it being too much. Till the point where the kids no longer understand who they are and what their identity is. Only because they haven't gotten to choose their identity, the narcissist parent is doing it for them and forcing them to be someone they aren't. Basically, the child is living a lie because of his/hers parent. I reckon this is what happened to my narc. I didn't know his parents but if anything I think he was forced to live up to the image his parents had of him and effed him up!

Here the tragedy begins. A narcissist cannot see his children as they are but only as his unconscious needs dictate. his view of them ricochets from one extreme to another with no middle ground. It is what they are. When he is idealizing them, he sees their talents as mythic, an inflation that indicates they are being used as an extension of his grandiose self. When he hates them and finds their characteristics unacceptable, he is projecting hated parts of himself onto them. Whether idealizing or denigrating, he is entirely unaware that what he sees is a projection and that his views are laying a horrible burden on his child. . . . . At heart, children of narcissists, raised up or cast down by the ever-evaluating parent, feel themselves to be less than nothing because they must 'be' something to earn their parents' love. Conditional love offers no support for the inner self. It creates people who have no personal sense of substance or worth. Nourished on conditional love, children of narcissists become conditional. They find themselves unreal." His children are particularly crushed by his lack of recognition for their attempts at pleasing him since he is the main figure in their world. Adding insult to injury, they can always count on his criticism when what is offered falls below his standards. .

Xnh is very definitely obsessed with his children (particularly his oldest daughter). IMO, his relationship with his kids falls well into the realm of emotional incest (possibly more). Xnh is totally disgusting about inappropriate boundaries with his children. Xnh treats his oldest daughter more like a lover than offspring. He's CONSTANTLY talking about her (whether anyone else wants to hear or not, and they usually don't). Xnh is always touching her, putting his arms around her, massaging her back, petting her hair, etc. He has always been this way with her. I first met her when she was 2 years old and she's currently almost 22 years old. Their relationship is nauseating to watch. Xnh pretty much ignores the youngest daughter unless he can twist something about her, or her achievements, to reflect on himself (it's all about him, of course). She's treated more like something to show off at HIS convenience. Like you said about your N's daughter, xnh goes through the motions with his youngest as far as interest in her. However, it is only whenever he thinks it makes HIM look good. He's self-promoting at her expense. It's his oldest daughter that xnh is absolutely obsessed over. She can do no wrong in xnh's eyes. He has ALWAYS grossly favored this oldest daughter over his youngest one. Xnh never enforced rules onto her (like he did his youngest). Xnh definitely has a double standard going with his two daughters. The oldest is grossly favored. The youngest is usually ignored and kicked to the curb in preference to the older one. He never has the guts to tell his oldest "no" about anything. He indulges her with her every wish/demand. Xnh has always been much more interested in being her buddy than her parent. She is a complete psychopath (literally, I've caught her electrocuting my dog, and beating her sister multiple times - she's incredibly cruel). This oldest daughter went to jail on felony drug possession charges a few years ago, and xnh managed to twist the story into it being all the fault of one of the other kids in the car. He came from visiting his oldest, hideous P daughter in jail, and wanted to beat the crap out of the other kid. Never mind that they were all in HER car doing 110 mph down the freeway (stoned) after a night of partying on hallucinogenic drugs that SHE bought for them all. According to xnh, her bad behavior was never her own fault. She, also, called him from jail (collect) after she was arrested, and I could hear her screaming at xnh on the phone because he was not bailing her out of jail fast enough to suit her. Personally, I would have hung up the phone and left her there longer. Xnh just about ruptured a spleen getting into the car to appease her. Then he put almost $2,000 onto his credit card for her bail bond and car impound fees. When she had her multiple hearings and the court trial (over 300 miles one way from our house), xnh would take her out shopping afterward and to a nice restaurant for lunch. He told me it was "their" special time together without either me or his other daughter. IMO, they were there about her f*cking drug charges and she did NOT deserve any rewards. This was all very revolting for me to behold. Currently today, she is living in xnh's house on welfare (after being fired 7 times that I know about), still doing drugs, and she has a baby by a former gang boyfriend. Xnh is PROUD of her and talks to everyone within hearing range about HIS grandchild. He says very little about his youngest daughter. During the years that I knew xnh, and especially after we all moved in together, the chaos and drama from both xnh and his hideous P daughter was endless. His youngest daughter and I lived in a house of complete tyranny. Princess ruled the roost, and xnh made sure that she stayed on her throne. Whatever his oldest hideous P daughter did was completely enabled by xnh. If either myself or the youngest daughter said anything about any of it (or tried to do anything), WE were the evil ones. We paid the price for questioning either of them with xnh's rages and abuse. So, from my own perspective, I would say yes, I think obsession over one of their children is probably fairly common with PD's. Hugs.

My N's relationship (lack of one) was one of my first red flags with him They are girls and were 15 & 19 at the time. They had little to do with him and avoided spending time with him like the plague, especially the younger one. Of course, I was so misled into believing that his ex and her family purposefully kept them from him and turned them against him so I was offering compassion and suggestions for rekindling a relationship. I even convinced him to buy the 15 yr old an auto for her 16th birthday instead of making the ex pay half because she does not have the money. I am divorced and understood how hard it is on the ex wife AND the children and wanted to show him that the kids should not be punished. I'm glad she got her car but... He made tons of references to the girls weight and bodies.. He is obsessed with "fat" Both girls are thin but he said the younger would not be any good at ballet anymore because she was getting too heavy! Was mad at the older when she went to Europe for a semester and did not communicate with him and when she got back called her a fat cheeked little pig to me and said she obviously had plenty to eat while over there. There was nothing "fat" about either girl (although I was never allowed to meet them but did see them around town and know their mother) I only recall him attending ONE event for the younger in an entire year. Never went to her school functions etc. The older only phoned him if she needed something and now I know why. No telling what torture they lived through with him in the house. He is a totally unfit parent and the girls are better off without him in their lives. Sad, sad, sad....

Yes...totally obsessed...because the kids are supply..in some sort.. .. His son, who has ADHD and nervous stuttering...is 16 and somewhat shy...loves video games...small group of friends..and the Narc would always be on this poor kids ass...making fun, picking on him...making him play baseball which i know the boy enjoyed to a degree but only because it made his dad proud... His daughter, is 13, very pretty and outgoing...she is his pride because he feeds off of her success as being smart and popular... With my 3 boys, of course he was great with them in the beginning. my boys idolized him... For the public....always on...always loved the attention he would get from the kids friends. He was the cool dad!!! Loved the comments other moms would say about him being so good with kids..and how lucky i was to have found such a wonderful guy to accept my kids. But when those doors shut...all the kids were pains in the asses and he yelled and ordered them all around like the military. How confusing for all of them... Today...his kids are not allowed to speak to me (which is good cause it helps with the NC thing)...but my son and his son play Xbox together without his knowledge...I feel so bad for all of the kids...They all loved each other and his kids loved and felt safe with me and I had to leave them there to live in prison... But My kids and me have to come first!!!!

From what Ive see, N's only idolize their children when it serves their needs. Eg - to look good to someone( to look like a family man/good dad), to piss off the x by making the kids decide to like The N better. Once the kids become emotionally needy, dependent troublesome, or expose the n to his shortcomings, things change drastically.The kids are then devalued and discarded. Kids are just like pets to an N but unfortunately the kids can talk.