Anyone else feel this way?

8 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 27 - 7PM

juliamarie

Anyone else feel this way?

I've been really evaluating my part in the Narc relationship and why I put up with such a horrible relationship for so long. Even worse...why I would be willing to marry this person who was so damaged. What I am finding is that I actually have had several Narc relationships along the way and didn't know it. I've been drawn to these guys for years. Nothing compares to this last one....that is for sure. But I feel like all the other semi-Narcs were a dress rehearsal for the big D&D that came from my broken engagement.

Anyone else feel like they've had more than one of these types of relationships to a lesser extent? Maybe it's just me....FYI, I'm in therapy :) I'm not interested in doing this again!

#2 Aug 28 - 3PM

megamillion

Yes.

YES! I realized exN was an N about 2.5 months ago and started researching properly. It's involved a lot of soul-searching and asking myself questions, too - though I probably lean a bit too far into taking on the blame for the length/extent of exN's behavior. In this time of reflection, I have also seen extremely similar traits in two exes (really Ps) as well as my best friend in college. All of these people had unbelievably ability to work me into complying with their needs/desires/wants and gradually made me feel terrible about myself (that I was the "messed up" one) with silent treatments, triangulation and other devaluing. Inadvertently managed to unload the two exPs with the help of different friends who recognized the behaviors I was enduring "weren't okay" and distance/graduating helped me separate from Nfriend until we ended up an hour away from each other in the UK. I saw her twice in the 5 years I lived there - once in the first weekend I was in the UK, where she came through to see me, introduced me to her (new, unknown to me) husband, invited me back to their home an hour away, and then asked me "what are you even doing here?" in the morning and wouldn't accompany me to the train station when I left. This is the one time I can say I did well to identify that she did not make me feel good and avoided rekindling our friendship at various points. Incidentally, I've found it was harder for me to recognize Narcissism in the Nfriend and exN (female) than the two exPs (both men); this may also be because one exP was a self-described "sociopath". I am extremely empathic (affected by other people's moods) and tend to take on other people's problems - which I didn't realize might be a problem in itself until researching. I also have known for a while that I have MASSIVE needs for inclusion and am bad at setting/maintaining boundaries (exN has exploited this in both D&Ds). I am also working to recognize these needs and behaviors in myself as well and I hope deeply focusing on them and learning to "re-parent" myself will help me be true to myself in the future. Like a lot of people on here, I am determined to avoid future entanglements with Ns and want to be able to recognize and avoid psychopathy in the workplace, too. Good luck with your learning and recovery work! xxx Mega

#3 Aug 28 - 2PM

mystwoman

Oh, yes. Very much. These

Oh, yes. Very much. These are all among the questions that I'm seriously asking myself. What IS is about me that attracts this type of personality? Why did I tolerate their abuse for so long, and why DID I marry xnh when I KNEW that our relationship will full of turmoil and abusive to me? I want to change this about myself because I'm DONE with this type of relationship. I met my first xph when I was 17 years old, and married him after only 5 months. Thus, began almost 6 years of Hell, until I finally walked away from it, and I divorced him when I was 23 years old. My first psychopathic husband's family was VERY dysfunctional, and I discovered all of this as my marriage progressed because I didn't know him well enough when I married him. Dummy me, with that one. lol. His parents were first cousins (I found out this little tidbit 4 years into my marriage), his sister was schizophrenic, one of his brother's was bi-polar and eventually committed suicide, his other brother was psychopathic like my first xph. I thank God every day that I did not have any children with this person. Because I was so traumatized after this relationship, I did not date much for 12 years after the divorce. I only had two boyfriends during all that time and they were very short relationships. When I met my second xnh, I was 35 years old, and I was very lonely. My second xnh came with his own set of dysfunction in the family as well. I dated him for 8 years before I married him, and was married another 8 years (total 16 years with this jerk). Xnh's mother is a complete narc with a past of problems with alcohol. Xnh's one brother was born with fetal alcohol syndrome, and has health problems to this day. His grandmother was apparently also a narc alcoholic (she was dead by the time I met xnh). Xnh's sister is the closest person in his family to "functionally normal". She left when she was very young, and lives across the world from her family. Smart move. Xnh's oldest daughter is nothing short of a psychopath, and xnh is working hard at making the youngest one just as dependent upon himself as he possibly can. Xnh cannot tolerate being alone...ever. Somehow, I managed to attract myself another narc with a screwed up family history. My family is nothing like either of the above families. They have always been very supportive and loving. However, I have always seemed to be a "people pleaser" and I am empathic. Like you, I do NOT want to do this again. Therefore, I searching hard for what it is about ME that attracts these jerks. Obviously, I have a history of being a "magnet". lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#4 Aug 27 - 8PM

rosedewittbukater

Dress rehearsal

Yes, me too. I am currently reading a book by Sarah Strudgwick called "Dark Souls". She relates in her book that this happened to her and each time "the universe would keep cranking up the volume" until she finally "paid attention" or heard it. In my case, my first LTR was with a textbook narc. This person now has a partner who worships her and I would describe their relationship more as a celebrity and a promoter/manager/agent. She truly is a STAR in her own mind and in the mind of her partner. However narcissistic this person was though she paled in comparison to my last N who was calculating and ten times more destructive to me. As an empath and possibly a codependent I recognize these qualities in myself which the N find highly attractive. Anyway, yes I do believe that many of us here have had a pattern with these kinds of people. I know one thing for sure it is a performance I want no part of EVER again. xx, Rose

#5 Aug 27 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

juliamarie

Yeah...makes sense

I know I was codependent, and I also think I have empathic tendencies as well. I'm working on surrounding myself with people who are positive. It helps tremendously when you have the unfortunate "gift" of picking up on other's energy....positive or negative.

#6 Aug 27 - 7PM

ruby01 (not verified)

juliamarie

Most definitely. I think it's that theory of are you someone that stops when you get a pebble thrown at you, or do you have to get hit by the whole wall coming down on you before you wake up and get the message. Unfortunately, it took the wall for me to realize what I have been doing. The key here being, I now realize.

#7 Aug 27 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

juliamarie

Well put...

Apparently, I didn't learn the lesson the first 2 times!

#8 Aug 29 - 4AM (Reply to #3)

uk lady

Absolutely

I am absolutely petrified of dating again just for this reason. I now recognise that a few of my ex's were N. We all have our childhood baggage but I seemed to attract N like it was going out of fashion. My recent ex, I now realise with hindsight and knowledge gained from this site, was a P. He displayed all the 5 traits throughout our 22 year association and looking back I even recognised them but again, without the knowledge, didn't really comprehend the long term implications. I just put it down to his dysfunctional upbringing/his depression and his N mother and so was his dependable and constant supply (even throughout the 6 years we were semi apart) and when in 2007 he was diagnosed with cancer I was right back in it full time again as his saviour. Last year I went for counselling in connection with setting boundaries and bingo, it opened up a whole can of worms. But I don't mind worms. I had been attempting to set boundaries throughout our association but my P had just been ignoring them (as they do, they are very tenacious) so no wonder I was always confused but it was totally exhausting both emotionally and physically - being the emotionial vampire that he is I felt bleed dry. So throughout the last year I had started to say "no" to him and others in my life and it then got easier to detach from him and his games to seek my attention/praise. Easter this year was the "I've had enough moment" when after planning a holiday together he felt the need to throw in another last minute hitch and I just couldn't take it anymore - I felt so devalued. He went off and did what he had to do with his mother and then a couple of days later he wanted me to join him as if nothing had happened. I just could not bring myself to spend any time with him as he had disrespected and ignored my feelings for the last time. I haven't seen him since then and have been working on "me" for the first time in my life. Yes, it can be lonely but I need time to think, feel and re-energise ME and not spend my time thinking about others who just sap me dry. I want to be whole again before I venture out into the world of dating because I want to attract another "whole" person and not some damaged individual. I need also to learn how to go through this process of healing me without coming out the other side as a tough nut and distrustful of ALL men. That is my biggest fear, will I ever be able to trust again? The first time I met my ex-P he gave me the sob story of his life and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. First red flag (as we all know, but I didn't then) and that is definitely not going to happen again. Much love, Dx

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