It amazes me how little it takes to cause feelings of anxiety even 9 months after this relationship ended. I'm finally able to start NC rather than limited contact due to him moving away and I've pulled away from unhealthy relationships with people who I had considered close friends because they haven't respected that I don't want to hear of my ex's dramas. Then today at work a colleague who knows of him but doesn't know we were together commented that she'd heard some things about him transferring jobs for personal reasons and some other rumours about what he's doing. It's not significant but it triggered waves of anxiety and I've been reassuring myself all day that nothing's changed since yesterday and everything is ok.

In the past I have coped with this anxiety by analysing the new pieces of information, telling myself that I needed to keep him there in my head and figuring it all out so that he couldn't get at me some other way. Today I've been focusing on myself and trying to relieve the anxiety but even now I'm not sure what I'm so scared of. I suppose I've had an irrational fear since the break-up that I'll continue to see his success and my failure, as though my happiness is dependent on him failing otherwise it somehow proves everything he said the day of the discard.

I know that's not the case and I actually have no reason to see any success on his part from the things I had heard since our relationship ended. I've also done very well despite the last year, both at work and home so it shows how conditioned I have become to see his every action as success and my achievements as never being good enough. It just struck me how a simple comment can take my feelings and emotions back to that place again but I am aware that it's one day at a time.


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