In addition to the obnoxious traits did anybody else's narc answer any of your questions with "a question" or just be vague in any answer something like "maybe" "probably" "perhaps"?
OMG yes! Always. And I found myself trying to answer his ? Only to be interrupted with more questions. Also, in a good period, he told me I needed to work on my habbit of interrupting people.
His comments are soooo vague I used to ask him not to play the pronoun game. He would just say "huh?" And I'd be left to decifer what the H he was talking about!
Yes! Thank you for that observation! For sure!
http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview
nolongercontrolled
Answering questions with a question is called the 'jesuit form of arguement'. It puts the person doing that in control of the conversation. Remember manipulation and control are their idea of fun in a relationship. they also think using someone is a relationship. They are annoying at best nasty at worst and good folks to stay away from don't you think so?
I think what mine did is called "lies by omission". By avoiding answering certain questions the narc was attempting to hide some things from me.
He also kept me in an unbalanced state of uncertainty this way.
Then when I'd S.P.E.L.L. it out for him, he'd say, "I'm not your PUPPET!"
*sigh* I was never gonna get ANYwhere with that man.
I'm SO glad I'm out!!
neveragain
Mine would usually respond to most questions with 'why do you ask?' or 'How could you ask that' followed up with something like 'you shouldn't need to ask a question like that' or 'you should already know the answer to that'...or straight out 'don't ask me any questions'
Sometimes he would act offended if I asked certain questions...and say he didn't like being 'accused' of something (usually cheating, which he was doing on a regular basis...Tiger Woods has nothing on my N!) Even when I didn't ask or infer anything to do with cheating. For instance if I asked 'how was your lunch? or 'your day?'..etc...he would act like I was accusing him of chaeting...this used to puzzle me alot, until someone pointed out to me he acted this way to my innocent questions because he was guilty of something...and NOT so innocent!
Sometimes he would bark at me if I even dared to ask a very simple question, such as 'what is the weather going to be like today?' (he usually turns on the weather channel in the morning so he would know)...he NEVER made communication easy with him All questions, no matter how benign from me, he could turn into my having 'offensive intent' or that I was stupid for not knowing...or by simply asking a question he would say things like 'What? Are you trying to stir up sh*t!???
Impossible
Funny. When we were first dating he was the most wonderful communicator...nothing was off limits to talk about or ask.
Now, having been with him for 3 years...all communication is limited...and all around his 'needs' and things he is interested in.
Whenever I expressed to my xN something that was bothering me about our relationship or my feelings at a certain point in time, he would always answer "I understand." Once in a while it would be "I am giving all that I can." (In truth: I was doing all the giving, he was doing all the taking.) We could be having a phone conversation and he would just be going on and on and on ALL ABOUT HIM. If I started to ask questions (benign questions, nothing "serious" or relationship-related), or if I started to talk about myself, he would cut me off and say "I have to take this call, I'll call you right back." In a year and a half, he called me back ONE time. If we were talking face to face and I started saying something about ME, he would allow himself to get distracted by something or someone in the room and just zone out. What a self-centered ass.
I would ask him questions that he didn't want to answer and he would say "I have another incoming, I'll call you right back". I would be sitting there with the phone in my hand, waiting, like and idiot.
always said, hey can I call you right back I have to get this other call that is beeping, NEVER would call back to further discuss the issues I brought up, after awhile it got to the point where I would say, YA let me guess you have to go and you will call me right back right? I would say dont bother you dodged another bullet He would call me back like two days later like nothing was wrong they pull this shit on everyone
this was something that drove my Narc crazy. I often would do this with him...I dont know if it was a defense mechanism ...but he didnt like if i said maybe i was turned on...or I was turned on a little...and would say why do you answer questions with a question.
If I questioned him on anything he would see it as an attack...so there was a fine line there.
“It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€
95% of the time, my questions were answered with Yep and Nope. I tried to tell him that this drove me insane, but he just never stopped. Our conversations were usually shallow and made me want to rip my hair out!
Yes, my ex was good at dodging questions, or just plain vague. ME: What would you like to do today? HIM: I don't know, whatever you feel like. ME: Where would you like to go eat? HIM: It's up to you. ME: Can we please talk about this problem we're having? Forget that one - he never wanted to address real issues.
Sometimes when I thought I'd narrow him down on and issue and was 'this close' to a breakthrough, he'd just shut down.."oh, nevermind" he'd say. No straight answers, just silent treatement, blame games, change the subject, and getting grouchy. No wonder I wanted to tear my hair out many times over. I'm a bottom line, give it to me straight, practical kind of girl. Obviously, we were polar opposites!
"The salesman that he is, he will re-label her feelings, put a spin on the situation that benefits him, and throw her words back at her. While he might not emotionally understand or empathize with her words, he can still distort and recycle them into something else.
As she brings up the need to be heard or tries harder to explain her emotions, the psychopath washes her communication through one of the dichotomies or his own “wounded-ness.†Looking for a trap door that allows him to stop the dialogue about something he can’t fake understanding, he will use anything to dismiss the conversation.
Additionally, many psychopaths are sadistic. Her pain is his pleasure, or maybe even erotic to him. Watching her in pain about the inability to communicate with him is no doubt pleasurable to him. What he may truly be able to understand, he may pretend otherwise, to keep the communication problems ongoing, and keep her upset.
- Sandra Brown, WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS
~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem
Visit My Abuse Website
Absolutely no staight answers. And he would tell me that all I did was talk in circles and go round and round. And say "this is why I cannot talk to you". But the classic for me was when I would ask him" why are you crabby? and what is wrong?" His response was ALWAYS--"who said I am crabby?"---OMG-talk about wanting to rip your hair out-Oh and let's not forget the eye roll and sigh included with the question. Now that I just wrote this --I am saying to myself --WOW I do not miss that shit---but boy did he mess with my mind!
That's projection because THEY'RE the ones who talk in circles, actually. Just try to pin them down, and you get annoyance! Mine always said I was defensive, and he couldn't talk to me either. I was like, WHAATTT???
Then the final slap was when he'd say stuff like, "oh well, I'm used to solving my own problems and being alone, this is no different...that's how I'll handle this too". Geepers! Where did that come from?? Oh ya, Mr. Crazy Martyr Man!! I don't miss it either...not one bit!
When he became distant and quiet and i'd ask what is wrong,
He would say, "The only thing F...ing wrong with me is YOU'..
Other statements made..
What do you want from me?
I can not read your mind...
You over dramatize everything..
Your the reason I never introduce you to people I know, you read everything into thier comments.
I am not your therapist..
Everything I did positive was belittled.. That unless he was trying to win me back.. Then of course it was a different story.
All the red flag's I would question he would convince me I was the crazy one...
for instance the long brown hair in his tub. Mine is long but very blonde... when questioning him, I was not only attacked verbally, he lied and stated it was his daughters... Hello, I don't think so..
Do you know he was so convincing, he convinced me that I truly was a drama queen and that I was the one with the problem. In the end, I found out he was seeing someone else for the past two years we were together..
Psycho-Boy dodged direct answers at all times. ALWAYS.
exNH, to this day, will ASK ME questions that should be asked of others and get mad when I don't have the answer...
"why do they do XYZ on THIS TV SHOW?"
(a show I don't even watch)
"do you know what the barometer reading is today?"
(how dare I not know)
"when are the potholes going to be filled?"
(how dare I not know)
It gets ridiculous... I say "why don't YOU call them and ask?" I used to try to find out for him and then get berated when he didn't like the answer. BLECH!
~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem
Visit My Abuse Website
Mine would often just not reply. Minutes would pass and I would say "did you hear me?" He would say "Yes". Minutes more..."Well do you think you could answer?" He would say "I'm thinking". He stonewalled me for a solid month this way. I couldn't even get him to look at me because he knew I wanted an answer.
Freaks.
"Here we go again." (add the eye-roll)
But he never ever talked anything through. Ever. What could he say anyway? I'm a lying narc who needs attention from all women and I will never stop until I destroy you?
We even went to one of those Marriage Encounters. This is where they teach you to communicate with each other every day. You have a question you both decide to answer and you each rate how high the tension is around that topic. The one with the most tension gets to talk first while the other attentively listens.
Guess who always rated higher and needed to talk first? LOL! Oh yeah! I was like a prisoner having to listen to his nonsense. He loved to hear himself speak and have all the attention. It was like listening to a drippy faucet! When it was my turn, he pretended to be interested and then yawned. I did this for like a week and said forget it! Another therapy that wouldnt work with an N.
once they are done with the luring & mind control, they not only lose interest...
...they are no longer profiling you to MIRROR you. So they really have NO CLUE what answer YOU WANT. Not the real answer because they AREN'T HUMAN & HOLLOW INSIDE... just no clue as to WHAT ANSWER WILL SERVE THEM THE BEST. None.
~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem
Visit My Abuse Website
Mine . . .
SIGHS
EYE ROLLS
IGNORES
after pushing says
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I'M TIRED
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT
I AM TRYING YOU KNOW THANK YOU VERY MUCH
more pushing
THE XBOX GOES ON AND I"M INTERUPPTING
WEIRD WIERD WIERD WIERD WIERD
X-BOX!!! Mine was the KING of x-box.
42 year old man - after work thats where you would find him for hours shooting people in the face - his favorite past time or movies.
God man - they are clones.
Mine would always say if I asked him something "yeah" - are you happy - "yeah".
yeah yeah yeah. He had a lot to say when he left though. I have to find myself, blah blah blah blah - not you its me, blah blah blah - I have nothing, blah blah blah. Never forget that I love you, blah blah blah - God man just circle talk. I dont even know if he knows why he left - oh yeah a girl who had a bigger appartment I think. LOL!! Who drives a green beetle. Fccking bug both of them. ewe!! Bugs. LOL!!
God man - they are so draining.
Cgrl.. Thats the first time I've laughed today. Don't get me wrong I was laughing at your comments in an ironic way.
THEY ARE LITTLE BOYS with toys.. Mine is front of the xbox every free moment and every moment that should really be devoted to other things.
As for movies they all involve action heros or super heros he doesn't DO any other kinds... Maybe because he can't relate to a movie that has human emotions in it.
Near the end of our "relationship," N started saying "I love my toys!" referring to stupid and costly and unnecessary things he would buy (or allegedly buy, most of it was just bragging and "big talk"). It was then that I realized...I was just one of his "toys." It was downhill from there and I finally had the best and most blessed opportunity - and the guts - to send him on his way (which was AWAY from me!), so I did. I still struggle with the realization that I was only a toy to him - never a whole person, never a woman deserving of respect and admiration and appreciation and honesty. And I was ashamed and humiliated by that realization. That is my struggle now. But, yeah, I was just a toy to him.
You know - little boys is it. The immaturity in these guys is totally unbelievable. I was in love with a 42 year old child. I just dont get the immaturity level of them.
After he left did I realize the real level of immaturity this guy had. It was amazing. He was a grandfather - who did not know his grandchildren or have a relationship that I ever saw with his children.
Its just amazing to me at this age - its like they are stunted.
Im glad I made you laugh- I actually was laughing reading it back.
I dont know what I would do without this board. The stories are all the same.
He use to ask me if he was that transparent - Wow. It seems they all are.
I still try to believe that his stunted mental growth has something to do with his alcohol intake. The guy on the surface was pretty smart - we talked for HOURS before we started living together. We communicated on a constant basis - unless he had abandoned me for a few weeks or two months - but as always he would tell me some bullshit story and I would believe it and take him back. I truly loved this little boy. All the imperfections - all the perfections but he found fault with me - faults I would have never pointed out to him because there was in my eyes nothing wrong with him.
This is very painful. How they just cut us out of thier lives like we never existed. I have never ever felt closer to anyone in my life like I felt with him.
I trusted him implicidly. Even as I watched him cheat on his wife I never thought he would do it to me. I was so brainwashed. I would have rather he hit me and at least I could say - he hit me, I hate him, Im over this and move on.
Its the silent punch that has crippled all of us.
questions
http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview
nolongercontrolled
Answering questions with a
All the time
Mine was always, "WHAT do you WANT from ME?"
Answering questions with questions
"I understand"
Yes--just like mine.
forgot about that one
this was something that
Yep and Nope
Mine would always answer a
ALL THE TIME
quietude
betteroff
betteroff
dodging questions...
quietude
yep
My list
q & a interrogations
Mine would often just not
"Here we go again." (add the
no clue
Plays the xbox
Jeez!!
FUNNY
Tiger1 - "little boys with toys"
Tiger1